Key Points

Identifying a narcissist in one’s life is crucial because a relationship with such a person can have long-lasting debilitating effects.

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, meaning that a person with a greater number of narcissistic traits can cause more harm to others.

Signs of a narcissistic partner include constant insults, always believing they are right, lying, and manipulating.

The label narcissist is used loosely these days, usually referring to someone arrogant and selfish, but the true personality disorder and its traits run much deeper and have long-lasting debilitating effects for those who deal with such people. If you were raised by a narcissistic parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will likely feel like an object that can be used and manipulated to achieve the goals or needs of your narcissistic partner. You will eventually realize that your partner does not see the real you. It is heartbreaking to realize that you have been set up or deceived by someone you once trusted and loved.

Below, I provide you with a checklist to help you determine if your relationship has these destructive traits. Remember: Narcissism is a spectrum disorder; anyone with a high level or a large number of these traits can have a more damaging effect on you and your children. The more traits, the closer we are to a full-blown personality disorder.

This copyrighted checklist is taken from my book, Will I Ever Be Free of You? – How to Cope with a Troubled Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family:

Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Checklist

When something goes wrong, does your partner blame everyone but themselves?

Does your partner refuse to take responsibility for their bad behavior? (e.g., “You made me so angry that I couldn’t help…”)

Does your partner always think they’re right?

Does your partner seem inconsistent with your feelings or your children’s feelings?
Does your partner seem more concerned with how your behavior or your children’s behavior reflects on them than understanding and accepting who you are and who you are as a person?
Does your partner seem unaware of their feelings or seem to deny them?
Does your partner hold grudges against you and others?
Is it all about your partner, their money, their time, their parenting time, their possessions, and their desires/demands?
Does your partner seem unwilling to listen to you and your concerns?
Does your partner constantly tell you what to do?
Does your partner make you feel like you’re “not good enough?” Have your partner’s constant insults caused you to internalize this message?
Does your partner not ask about you, your day, or how you’re feeling, even when you’re passing by?

Does your partner need to keep talking about how great he or she is and how miserable you are?

Does your partner lie?

Does your partner manipulate?

Does your partner tell different people different stories about the same event, twisting the story to make it sound good?

When your partner talks about their children, do they talk about what the children do rather than who they are?

Do the children feel uncomfortable with your partner, love them, but are also reluctant to spend time with them?

Related : Narcissistic Partners May Be More Dangerous Than You Think

Have you realized that children are protecting themselves by not sharing their feelings with your partner?
Does your partner distrust everyone?
Do the children always try to gain your partner’s love and approval?
Has your partner spent minimal time with the children?
Does your partner routinely ignore children’s activities if they’re not interested in or appreciate the activity?
Does your partner push the children to participate in activities that your partner likes or appreciates and discourage or prevent them from doing activities that your partner doesn’t appreciate?
Have others in your life said that there is something different or strange about your partner?

Does your partner take advantage of others?

Is your partner interested in power and control, seeking power at any cost?

Is your partner concerned with image and how things appear to others?
Does your partner seem to have no value system, no fixed idea of ​​right and wrong in their behavior?
After the divorce, does your partner still want to take advantage of you? Or does your partner never calm down?

When you try to discuss life problems with your partner, does your partner change the subject so that you end up talking about your partner’s problems?
When you describe your feelings, does your partner try to overpower your feelings with their own stories?
Does your partner act jealous of you?
Does your partner lack empathy?
Does your partner only support things that reflect positively on them?
Have you constantly felt a lack of emotional closeness with your partner?
Do you constantly wonder if your partner loves you?
Does your partner do thoughtful things for you only when others are around to witness this good behavior?
When something difficult happens in your life (e.g., an accident, illness, divorce in your family or circle of friends), does your partner react with immediate concern about how it will affect them rather than concern for you?

Is your partner overly aware of what others think?
Do you feel like your partner is taking advantage of you?
Do you feel responsible for your partner’s illnesses or diseases?
Do you feel like your partner doesn’t accept you?
Does your partner criticize and judge you and others?
Do you feel like your partner doesn’t know or appreciate the real you and doesn’t want to know the real you?
Does your partner act as if the world revolves around them?
Does your partner seem fake to you?
Does your partner swing from grandiosity to depressed mood?
Does your partner try to compete with you?
Does your partner always have to do things their way?

As one of my clients commented, “If you wake up at 3 a.m. one morning with your heart pounding and a clear conviction that you need to end the relationship with the person sleeping next to you, but the next day it’s as if those midnight thoughts were just a bad dream, you may need some help in your struggle with what to do next. The surreal Alice in Wonderland quality of living with a narcissist is not something we were born knowing how to deal with or even understand.” Of course, there is hope and healing, and if you decide you are struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship, I encourage you to reach out, get help, and learn as much as you can about this insidious disorder. You deserve to be loved and appreciated, as do your children.