Narcissists have an uncanny ability to make you feel like gold one moment and dust the next. And when they explode, they do so with a no-holds-barred attitude. Anything is fair game, including revealing information that was shared privately.
Of course, your boss should expect loyalty. However, not knowing when you’ll be in the “hot seat” is frustrating and annoying.
According to Paige Streep, author of “Resignation” and PT blogger, “You need to define your personal goals and come up with strategies to minimize the impact your boss’s actions have on you. You need to realize that successful efforts are unlikely to be seen as the result of team efforts, including yours, and that failures will be blamed on others because the boss is unlikely to take responsibility.”
Not all narcissists are on the same page. Some narcissistic bosses are more tolerant than others. According to Ms. Streep, “If there are things you can actually learn from this person—perhaps they have great talents—it’s to focus on those things and prepare yourself to be as non-reactive as possible to the games and drama that inevitably follow in the wake of a narcissist. Setting clear goals for yourself and preparing yourself for conflict using “if/then” thinking—if he/she does X, then I will do Y—are helpful tools for navigating an undoubtedly toxic work situation.”
What You’re Thinking
When I took this job, I had no idea my polite boss could be so mean! I’ve learned that my day is much more enjoyable if I can stay under his radar. Knowing that my actions are constantly being scrutinized makes me jump out of my skin. Just the other day, my boss complimented me privately and then outwardly embarrassed me five minutes later because he felt I had upset him. What’s next? Why is he so cynical and critical?
Narcissist Thoughts
I am responsible for this entire team. None of these workers would be anywhere without me. I can be someone’s best friend or their worst enemy. If people cross the line with me, they deserve to be shamed and ridiculed. After all, why should I respect workers who are not loyal to me?
Strategy
Your goal is to be treated with respect by reducing hostility and developing mutual trust.
- Respect yourself. You can speak up without being shy or rebellious.
- Clarify expectations. Don’t leave a conversation without fully understanding what is expected. Then, create a paper trail by summarizing your conversation via email.
- Highlight priorities. Emphasize what is important to the company—getting assigned work done and doing it well.
Tactical Talk
Boss (in public): I need [xyz] done by tomorrow. I expect perfection. You’ve been my shining star, but I’m not sure I can count on you anymore. Maybe I should give this project to Billy.
You: What you’re asking me to do now is different from what we discussed yesterday. I sent you an email right after our other conversation, to make sure we were on the same page.
Boss: Do you think I have time to read all the emails that are coming into my inbox?
You: I know we both have the same goal, which is to get it right the first time. I want to meet your standards, but I’m confused about expectations. Is it more important for me to change direction now or to meet the original deadline?
Tip: Narcissists lack self-confidence, which is why they are quick to turn on you if your actions make them look bad. Emphasize your loyalty while defending your position and you will be back on their good side in no time. However, always keep one eye open due to their unpredictable nature. Furthermore, as Ms. Streep warns, “…unless the benefits of staying outweigh the long-term downside, you need to know when to walk away.”
Thank you so much to Paige Streep for this interesting interview! Readers, please share your experiences and questions in response to this article. I will be happy to craft future articles based on viewer feedback. Also, please read my previous post on narcissism here.
