Key Points
Having a narcissistic intimate partner can put mental and physical health at risk.
Higher levels of narcissism are associated with more aggression before reaching what is known as pathological narcissism.
Before addressing a narcissist’s aggressive behavior, create a thoughtful approach with a safety plan and support from domestic violence resources.
In the world of intimate partner abuse, the link between narcissism and aggression is present. The narcissist sees himself as superior, sees others only as inferior, and needs to orchestrate a relationship experience in which his partner feels inferior. The means to do this often include verbal or physical aggression. According to a recent research study from Ohio State University, narcissism is linked to aggression. Given that a narcissist can become verbally or physically aggressive, the message is clear—to avoid hurt and injury in an intimate relationship, one should avoid narcissists.
In a recent comprehensive analysis of 437 studies from around the world, narcissism emerged as a significant risk factor for both aggression and violence. In fact, the association between narcissism and aggression was found across all dimensions of narcissism and with different types of aggression. It is worth noting that the results were similar regardless of the age, gender, or country of residence of the participants.
Definition of Narcissism
The term narcissism comes from a Greek myth where Narcissus falls in love with his reflection in calm water. He shows contempt and disdain for those who fall in love with him.
Narcissism is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, with entitlement being the main factor. Two components of narcissism include grandiosity, with inflated self-esteem, and “vulnerability,” with low self-esteem but still believing one is more important than others. Both types are associated with aggression. The types of aggression that narcissism has been associated with include physical and verbal aggression, bullying (direct or indirect), and aggression directed at innocent targets (Kjaervik, 2021).
Bushman, the study’s co-author, notes that the study revealed that higher levels of narcissism were associated with greater aggression even before reaching the level of narcissism that is currently recognized as pathological—malignant narcissism.
Relationships with Narcissists
Narcissists do not identify themselves as having a problem or conflict, but rather see the problem as between themselves and their environment—and the problem is always the other person’s problem. They can be aggressive in their interactions with or without provocation. They show no real sensitivity or empathy for the other—whether a colleague, friend, or intimate partner. They dominate others in an attempt to fix themselves.
The grandiose narcissist does not feel bad. Their ego may have developed as a defense against the deep shame that makes them feel good. This ego itself may come from growing up with parents who provided false empowerment, not a loving attachment. In either case, courtship with a grandiose narcissist usually involves love bombing—excessive attention, affection, flattery, compliments, and lavish gifts. It’s too much, too soon. The narcissist manipulates the experience to appear like the perfect partner and find the perfect mate. The grandiose narcissist is looking for admiration.
The vulnerable narcissist does not show love bombing during courtship. This type of narcissist wants to be with someone they admire and feel elevated by the other. Deep down, this covert narcissist believes that they deserve to be important and loved. Caring about others, supporting causes, etc. are ways to build self-esteem when others witness it.
The “pathological narcissist” is what we know as the malignant narcissist. They are the most dangerous and need to destroy their partner’s entire self-worth to feel superior. Psychopaths and psychopaths can be malignant narcissists.
Narcissists cannot establish a healthy, loving connection. They are deeply afraid of vulnerability and emotional intimacy. Having a narcissist as an intimate partner is confusing, painful, and detrimental to both physical and mental health.
Although it may not be apparent at first, the narcissist will eventually change behavior that was originally subtle to overt to gain control over their partner. This often happens when the relationship becomes serious such as engagement, living together, or marriage. The behavior becomes aggressive—hostile, degrading, undermining, and prone to physical violence.
The Narcissist’s Partner
Intimate partners of narcissists often feel trapped by experiences of confusion, loss of confidence, inability to trust their perception, loss of agency, loss of identity, and feeling like they’re “crazy” when they’re not. When you experience some of these situations, take them as a warning sign and look at your partner and their behavior that is creating your painful situation. It is often necessary for the partner to become emotionally stronger first to address the narcissist’s aggressive behavior if they choose to do so. It is important to create a thoughtful approach that includes a safety plan with support and assistance from a domestic violence source. Ultimately, holding the narcissist accountable for their aggressive behavior becomes necessary to figure out what may or may not be possible in the future. Some narcissists can find their way to accepting help.
