A few months ago, my best friend of 18 years went through a tough breakup. I started inviting her on more outings with my husband because I knew she was struggling and needed some social time. We all enjoyed going on hikes or having dinner together now and then, and my friend (who I’ll call Lucy) started developing a stronger relationship with my husband, regularly texting him and sending him sarcastic pictures. At first, I didn’t think anything of it because I was just happy to see their relationship flourish, but I increasingly realized that Lucy was texting him multiple times a day, often trying to “connect” with him, which was starting to bother me. I brought it up with my husband, who admitted that her constant texting made him uncomfortable and that although he thought she was innocent at first, he was becoming suspicious, especially since Lucy was still stuck in the middle of her breakup. How do I handle telling Lucy that we’re uncomfortable with her behavior without hurting her feelings or damaging my friendship with her and my husband? – Claire, Ontario
Hello and thank you for posting this.
It sounds like you’re in a bit of a tough spot, but don’t worry, these things happen, especially when everyone’s emotions are high.
First and foremost, you’ve shown yourself to be a supportive friend to Lucy. Breakups are hard, and it’s normal to seek connection and comfort. It’s a mark of friendship that you’ve done your best to include her in your activities with your husband, and it’s great that you’re getting along.
However, it’s also completely understandable that you feel uneasy about how things have evolved since then. I can imagine you’re walking a tightrope between wanting to be a good friend and protecting your relationship, which is a tough situation!
Your instincts are right – the fact that you and your husband are feeling uneasy means it’s time to have a chat with Lucy. But don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. It can be a conversation between two friends who care about each other.
Tell her that you understand that she’s going through a tough time and that you’re there for her, and will continue to be there for her in the future. Then gently explain how the constant texting has affected you and your husband. It’s important to use “I” statements to avoid blaming her. For example, “I feel a little overwhelmed when I see how many texts you’re sending my husband,” or “I’m starting to worry that this might be putting a strain on our friendship.”
Explain that while you value her friendship, the excessive communication is making your husband feel uncomfortable, too. Be direct, but be gentle in your communication. Lucy must respect his boundaries, even if it makes her feel embarrassed or disappointed.
Be prepared for any reaction—she may be surprised, defensive, or even hurt. Give her space to process her feelings, but stick to your boundaries. You have every right to protect your relationship and make sure your husband feels respected and comfortable.
In all of this, you’re not explicitly asking her to cut off ties with you or your husband forever. You’re simply asking her to respect the boundaries of your relationship. I bet she doesn’t realize how much she’s affecting you either, and after your conversation, it’s okay if things get a little awkward for a while. Real friendships can handle this kind of conversation.
However, after this conversation, Lucy continues to ignore your boundaries, and it may be necessary to take a temporary break from the friendship. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being and the health of your marriage. Explain to Lucy that you need some space to reevaluate the friendship, and to revisit the conversation later when emotions have cooled.
Finally, and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your husband about how to handle future interactions with Lucy, and encourage him to set his boundaries if necessary.
