- How to Accept a Mother’s Limitations and Allow Ourselves to Grieve
What does it take to fully recognize that our mother was fundamentally incapable of unconditional love and compassion? If our mother couldn’t love and accept us, who else can we rely on? This is never an easy question. Isn’t she supposed to be the most natural and reliable source of love, comfort, and understanding?
Children often believe that what happened or didn’t happen to them is their fault.
As adults, we often choose denial, closing ourselves off to the bad as well as the good; that is, opportunities and possibilities.
As daughters, we are more likely to question ourselves, asking, “What’s wrong with me?” Accepting the loss we feel is a difficult and slow process.
Before we can grieve this loss, we must accept the reality of it.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder. Mothers who have fewer narcissistic traits are more likely to be open to healing, but only if they are motivated. Unmotivated mothers with more severe narcissistic traits are unlikely to change or seek treatment. Failure to accept this fact means our pain will continue.
The sooner you face this challenge, the sooner you can begin to take back control of your life and move forward.
Have you fully accepted your mother’s limitations? Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you still hope that your mother will be different every time you talk to her?
Do you continue to have unrealistic expectations of her?
Have you accepted your mother for who she is?
Do you continue to try to meet your childhood needs in relationships, rather than relying on yourself?
Do you seek a partner to replace your mother?
Do you feel entitled as an adult to your unmet childhood needs?
When you successfully achieve acceptance, you realize that only you can meet your childhood needs and that you cannot go back and meet those unmet needs.
You also cannot create a “special moment” of happiness forever.
- Find healthy ways to take responsibility for yourself and your own needs through grief
Tears may come. Let them come. Make time and space to grieve. Tears are healing. Tears are a signal to others that you are in distress and need support.
Sit with acceptance of the discomfort.
Get the support you think you need.
Deal with anxiety and depression if they occur, so you can get over them.
Don’t try to talk yourself out of it. And don’t let others do it either. They may feel uncomfortable with your ordeal.
Don’t let others try to distract you from this stage of your healing process.
Remind yourself that you deserve this time to heal.
You may feel hurt and vulnerable.
You may turn to messages from your “inner critic committee” that judge you based on your feelings and weaknesses. They may suggest that you “pull yourself together. Remember, it could be worse. You’re lucky compared to others.”
Some messages may tell you to “just suck it up and move on.”
At this point, you may try to justify your discomfort. You may tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way.
You may ask yourself, “Was this real? Am I exaggerating how bad things are? Why don’t other people react the same way to this type of treatment?” You may try to convince yourself that your feelings have more to do with something else that’s currently going on in your life.
Maybe so. But if it’s happening in conjunction with current events, there’s a good chance they’re connected. Let it go. Let it be.
Sit with yourself and do your best to develop comfort with whatever your mind, body, and inner wisdom are telling you you need.
Remember, these feelings may be partly coming from your inner child. Cherish him or her.
Now as an adult, what would you say to that child if you could say it at that time?
Say that to that part of yourself now.
And keep saying it until you feel yourself moving forward.
Congratulations. You’re on your way to greater inner peace.
