Key Points

People who are high in narcissism can make your life difficult with their hostile personality and way of dealing with others.

New research based on Karen Horney’s influential theory shows how anxiety can drive a hostile narcissist.

Six key strategies can help narcissists shift from their “opposing” personality style to one that promotes “moving toward.”

When you have a group project to complete, each member of the group should contribute fairly and equitably. If you’re the group leader, you hope that they’ll let you “lead,” taking on the tasks you’ve assigned them without complaint. However, some people refuse to let themselves lead. They insist on disrupting your efforts during group meetings, and worse, they try to recruit other group members to join them when they’re trying to sabotage you.

As you think about a strategy to control this troublemaker, it seems to you that you should probably remove them altogether. The disruptions these people cause are keeping you from achieving your goal, and it would be much easier to move forward without them. From a political perspective, however, such a move would be extremely problematic. You would appear stubborn and vindictive, which would certainly backfire. What are the better options?

Why Narcissists Don’t Like Being Managed

Before we move on to your potential strategies, it’s helpful to understand why someone might be so attractive in this kind of group setting. While you can’t diagnose people without a proper assessment, chances are that someone who needs a lot of pampering has at least some narcissistic tendencies.

But you don’t necessarily need to delve into diagnostic issues. Another way to conceptualize people who make your life difficult by their hostile tendencies comes from the interpersonal theory of German psychoanalyst Karen Horney. Stephen Carlson and colleagues at the University of Utah (2022) are reviving this classic approach to personality with the potential to provide insights into the motivations of people who don’t like being managed.

Horney, who founded her branch of psychoanalysis, emphasized the interpersonal aspects. Her work has had a major impact on the training of psychoanalysts. Indeed, her contributions have even reached the popular market, such as her book The Neurotic Personality in Our Time. However, the theory has not produced “a solid, theory-driven interpersonal approach to construct validation and conceptual integration” (p. 650), which has limited its potential to become a major force in personality psychology. Nevertheless, many of its core concepts, the authors note, remain relevant to what is now known as contemporary interpersonal integration theory (CIIT), an approach that characterizes how individuals think and relate to one another and how they perceive their interpersonal relationships. Although her work is not often cited in this context, Horney’s theory may offer a valuable new perspective on narcissism. The theory suggests that individuals whose early lives were characterized by neglect, criticism, and lack of warmth become adults whose lives are characterized by “basic anxiety.” As a result, they can develop one of three personality styles: moving toward people (submissive), moving away (detached), and moving against them (aggressive). It is in this set of distinctions that you can gain an understanding of the difficult narcissist in your midst.

NewTestForPersonalityStyles

Across two separate samples of participants drawn from undergraduate students, University of Utah researchers conducted a statistical analysis of the quality of a Horney-based personality test, the Horney-Coolidge Type Inventory (HCTI), by validating it against two other inventories based on different but related theoretical frameworks. The three domains of the Horney-Coolidge Type Inventory (compliance, aggression, and detachment) were reflected, as expected, in scores on validation scales. People with high aggression fit the “hostile-dominance” style, those with high detachment fit the “hostile-submissive” style, and scores on the compliant style were related to the “warm-submissive” style.

The HCTI has limitations as a measurement tool, and the samples were made up entirely of undergraduate students. However, the authors believe they have demonstrated that Horney’s theory is still relevant today and deserves further research.

Indeed, in terms of understanding narcissism, Carlson et al.’s work provides a new angle and offers several practical recommendations. As they put it, hostile dominance is evident in “narcissistic rivalry,” which always produces “increasing interpersonal difficulty over time” (p. 657). By their hostility in dealing with others, narcissists get as much as they give. People dislike them, react to them with anger, and thus only exacerbate a deeply rooted personality style of anxiety.

From Moving Against to Moving Toward

Based on the idea that their approach to dealing with others evolves from this basic foundation of anxiety, is it possible to shift their approach from non-cooperative to cooperative? Are there strengths they can contribute to the group once they get past their aggressive stance? Some or all of these six strategies stem from this premise:

Accommodate their reasonable requests. Since they are so hostile and aggressive, you may want to silence them altogether. Instead, show that you are fair and unbiased by listening to them and then offering feedback that focuses on the good ideas they may already have.

Let them know who the is boss. Without appearing hostilely dominant yourself, which will only heighten tensions in the group, calmly and quietly show that you are in charge.

Avoid getting drawn into a tug-of-war. When someone challenges your authority, it is easy to engage in a kind of push-and-pull that involves your constant need to respond to them. You can minimize their shouting for attention by not reinforcing it.

Avoid side alliances. You may find that this person, frustrated by your lack of response to their behavior, begins to enlist others in the group to support them by approaching them outside the group context. If this happens, let the group know that any work must go through you as the clearinghouse.

Stay optimistic. Some people who demand constant attention are engaged in testing how others will respond. Show that you are not the type to get upset, or worse, despair, and show that you continue to expect the best from everyone in the group.

Keep moving forward. By keeping your feelings in check, you will be better able to move things along with other members who are trying to work toward productive solutions. This will also help the rest of the group avoid feeling frustrated or wasting their time.

Over time, as you continue to work with this group, this thoughtful approach may serve to tame the more brutal side of the narcissist’s aggressive tendencies. They may not become your best friends, but they can become your allies.

In short, the idea that narcissistic individuals may have a maladaptive personality style can help you gain greater insight into what their arrogant and hostile behaviors look like. Relieving the stress their behavior causes will help relieve your stress, allowing you to turn unpleasant interactions into interactions that may help boost your productivity and well-being.