No matter how kindly we treat them—no matter how hard we try to put our anger or silence aside—some narcissists just won’t change. In that case, we may have to leave the relationship. That’s a perfectly reasonable option, and we’ll get to that in a moment. But in some cases, it’s not an option.
Cutting off all contact with your narcissistic parent can be difficult. Nor is it possible to cut off all contact with your narcissistic ex-spouse if you have children together. You can’t ignore your parent or your child’s parent—not without paying a price. The cost includes immense stress, painful loss, and even escalating legal battles. But there’s also no safety in continuing to open your heart to someone who’s been neglectful to you. So what?
This is the world of management, not change. Self-protection should be your primary goal. Limit contact if you can, just as you would with any toxic relationship. But you may also benefit from some simple strategies and rules. I discuss some of these strategies in more detail in Chapter 9 of Rethinking Narcissism. But for now, keep in mind that the goal is to manage narcissism, not to foster closeness. In the meantime, you can try using a contact contract.
In a contract contract, you clearly and simply state what should happen if the person wants you to come. It’s a way to set boundaries by providing rules and expectations.
Here’s how a son might explain a contact contract to his mother:
I don’t feel comfortable with yelling and criticism. If I hear either, I’m leaving. I’d like to see you, but it’s up to you whether or not you’re able to stay home as planned.
A mother explaining a contract to her ex-husband and co-parent might say:
We need to focus on planning for the custody over the holidays. I’m happy to have this conversation tomorrow, but if I hear accusations, blame, or other attacks, I’ll take it from you that you’re unable to have the conversation and we’ll have to come back to it later.
A woman explaining a contract to her roommate:
We need to talk about the cleaning situation and how to set a schedule. If the conversation becomes another laundry list of my problems, it shows me that you’re not ready to set a schedule yet and we’ll have to put it aside and discuss it again another time.
The point of a communication contract is to explain the behaviors that will end the conversation. The focus is on what keeps you present, not what makes you happy. If you’ve gotten to this point, your presence is what you should be promising.
