A naughty child can annoy you by simply imitating every word you say without thinking.
“You keep imitating me.”
“You keep imitating me.”
“Stop it!”
“Stop it!”
They can improve their naughty game by making fun of your voice.
Or they can take this thoughtless imitation a step further, by imitating every frustrating word and mirroring every encouraging word.
For any frustrating word (derogatory or insulting), they can imitate “I know you exist but what am I?” For any encouraging word (positive or complimentary), they can imitate “I know I exist but what are you?”
Imitation is meaningless. A naughty child can be a parrot or a tape recorder. Imitation and mirroring are meaningless too. “I know you exist but what am I?” is not a question. It is general. We can say “I know you exist but what am I?” about anything.
It is easy to program a computer to do this. You can design a hat with a basal skin response sensor, a speaker, and a recording of you saying, “I know you exist, but what am I?” Whenever the skin response detects the slightest stress, the hat says, “I know you exist, but what am I?” That’s all the brain needs to reflect. When a naughty child hears a stressful insult, he can say out loud, “I know you exist, but what am I?” without his mind and heart being disturbed.
But my goodness, this non-mental reflection can give the naughty child tremendous leverage! Consider this dialogue:
“You’re lying.”
“I never lie. You lie.”
“But I heard you lie. You’re a hypocrite.”
“I’m never a hypocrite. You’re the hypocrite.”
“But don’t you care about integrity?”
“I always have integrity. You don’t have integrity.”
“You talk like a con man.”
“I’m never a con man. You’re the con man.”
“You’re just conning me.”
“I’m never con man. You’re the con man.”
“You’re insulting.”
“I’m never insulting. You’re insulting.”
“You’re a complete narcissist.”
“I’m not a narcissist. You’re the narcissist.”
“But you don’t care about others at all.”
“I always care about others. You don’t care about others.”
“But all you do is point the finger.”
“I never point. You always point the finger.”
“But don’t you see? You claim all the virtue for yourself and all the vice for me.”
“I don’t claim all the virtue for myself and all the vice for you. That’s what you do.”
“You’re not receptive to anything I say.”
“No, I’m receptive to everything you say. You’re not receptive to everything I say.”
Here’s what to do if you’re dealing with someone who’s practicing this type of unconscious mirroring:
You have to ignore the meaning of the words they’re saying. You have to flip what you consider signal and noise.
With people we trust, their script is the script, and their subscript is the noise. We listen to the words of trustworthy people because we trust that they care about what they’re saying and that they’re saying what they mean. Sure, we read between the lines a little bit, but we don’t have to read their subscript very much. Their script is the script; their subscript is mostly noise.
With bullies, you have to flip it. Completely. Their words mean nothing to them and so they should be noise to you. With bullies, the signal is their subtext. You have to realize that they will say anything to serve their sole purpose.
Is their purpose narcissistic selfishness? Is their purpose sadistic manipulation? What is their real purpose?
I think it’s simpler and less thoughtful than it sounds.
Nobody likes to be bothered. Nobody likes to have their impulses hindered. Think of a dog that growls if you come near its food or the anger you feel when you stub your toe or bump into something.
It’s a natural response to disdain/snarling:
“If something is in my way, someone is at fault and it’s not me.”
Roaring takes many forms. I think of it as “denial strategies,” our tools for saying no, get out of my face. These phrases are often dressed up to sound very different from a growl. For example, a frown or an impatient sigh is a disguised growl. “Calm down. You’re being emotional” and “I’m worried about you” can be a growl.
Humans are creative in many ways, but we are perhaps most creative in coming up with ways to express “get out of my face,” through a variety of little-known “rejection” strategies.
Just pair the rejection/roar reaction with the child’s automatic reflex trick and you have an explanation for what appears to be self-centered narcissism or sadistic gaslighting. The child’s reflexes can be meaningless. The child’s glorification and gaslighting may just be the child’s desired side effects of this ill-advised habit.
You will be very, very successful if you continue to listen to the child’s words as if the child meant anything to them. You will be tempted to continue listening for two main reasons. First, notice that the child in the conversation above is speaking with a false sense of objective authority. The untrained habit works by making you think that their words are the last.
Second, you don’t want to be unkind, inconsiderate, callous, rude, or indifferent. You feel like you owe it to people to listen, especially people you’ve been listening to for a while—for example, a romantic partner who becomes a snarky child just because they don’t know anything about you. Over time, it becomes easier to react with rejection/contempt than to try to gain your trust. So when they say, “I’m always accepting. You’re the one who’s not accepting,” you take it to heart.
If you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t care about you and doesn’t show compassion, it’s very dangerous to go to your heart and mind. It’s not even good for them. It helps the child’s habit of repeating themselves.
Don’t overestimate naughty children. Their text messages are the noise; the subtext is the signal. They don’t mean what they say, let alone think about the words they say. They just want you to get out of their way and off their backs.
