One of the questions I asked myself over and over again, especially during my protracted divorce, was how I could have chosen such a person as a partner, and how I hadn’t seen who he was. It’s not exactly an original question, because the clear vision you gain after a relationship ends—the field of red flags that look like poppies in late spring, the click of puzzle pieces falling into place, the memory of all-too-obvious behaviors—is enough to make any thinking person slip into self-blame.
But the truth is, there are reasons why narcissists are so adept at fooling most, if not all, of us. Some will wake up before others and come out when things are good, and others won’t. Here’s a brief rundown of what science knows about these individuals.
[Note: For convenience and to avoid male or female embarrassment, I refer to the narcissist below as male, but women are narcissists, too, so just switch pronouns.]
- He appears confident and powerful.
Yes, these guys are great at presenting themselves, which is why they are so attractive, at least initially. Many of them are good-looking and fit (don’t forget, they care about themselves first and foremost), and they can exude charm. Success is important to a narcissist—or at least the appearance of success—and they will show evidence of one or the other, so that’s part of the thrill, too. A study was conducted in Germany where men went out on the street and talked to 25 women who were strangers; the goal was to get as many women as possible to provide contact information like their names, email addresses, and phone numbers. And who outperformed all the other men? Those who scored highest on narcissistic traits. Additionally, when the researchers surveyed the women and asked about communication, it was the narcissist who was considered the most charming and attractive.
- He seems cooperative.
While many descriptions of narcissistic behavior have you picture someone who starts every sentence with “I” and demands that everything be done their way, it’s more complicated than that. You’re not being fooled because you’re stupid, but because you’ve misunderstood their motivations. In his book, Rethinking Narcissism, Craig Malkin highlights the way narcissists exert covert control, explaining that because they don’t believe they depend on or need anyone, they don’t want to ask for things, so they don’t do them. You’re doing what they want most of the time at first, then all the time, but you don’t notice. They have ways of doing this—inventing something “better” after making plans, or deciding to take you out for a French dinner instead of the Chinese you wanted because it’s more “special,” or suddenly changing plans because “spontaneity is the key to life”—and you think, “Oh, that’s great.” It takes us a long time to notice that our wants and needs are getting lost in the mix. Add to that the fact that narcissists like to think of themselves as good people, so they may do nice things for you and be generous in a variety of ways. The problem? It’s for them, not you, and they can—and will—shut down at the first sign of conflict. They may throw you in the face if you dare to discuss your problems as proof that it’s your fault, not theirs. But it takes time to see the patterns.
- They put you on a pedestal.
According to Malkin, the narcissist needs to believe that he or she is special, and in the logical scheme of things, you must be, or else he or she won’t be with you. And if the narcissist fails to put you on a pedestal, you may notice that, at least initially, he or she is full of praise, which is a compliment, of course. (Oh, if only I had a dollar for every time my ex told me, “I’m the luckiest man in the world.”) Again, it’s not really about you—no matter how great you are, you have flaws like the rest of us—it’s about the narcissist’s need for a reflective surface.
- They lure you into a rollercoaster relationship.
The lure of the ups and downs of a relationship that feels like a wild passion is a narcissist’s specialty. Unfortunately, this aligns with some of the most common misconceptions many people have about romantic love, and you may find yourself saying things like, “Isn’t fighting part of love, after all?” or, “Isn’t fighting part of what happens when two independent souls come together?” And to add to the justification, you’ll then focus solely on the hot cosmetic sex. (It’s not clear when codependency became a dirty word and the idea of the ideal relationship became two self-sufficient planets orbiting each other. As Brooke Finney’s work shows, when people are securely attached, dependence on another person increases their independence and their ability to expand and grow. Dependence can be healthy, rather than enabling.)
Again, Malkin explains the conflation of narcissist drama and lover’s passion simply and clearly from a psychological perspective, which means, he says, “romantic uncertainty often excites us.” (If you doubt that, just watch reruns of Sex and the City and notice the chemistry between Mr. Big and Carrie.) His point is that we are affected by feelings of jealousy, anger, and anxiety—and these feelings, from a physical perspective, may not be that different from emotional arousal. (Note that this arousal is emotional, not sexual.)
So, the trap has been set for you… and you’re probably willing to fall for it, at least for a while.
- He’s sexually capable.
Yes, at least on a technical level, because the narcissist prides himself on being better than everyone else at everything, and is willing to try anything that gives him pleasure. Of course, the emotional connection that’s part of truly great sex eludes him because he’s so detached; unfortunately, it can take a while to appreciate the difference.
- He knows how to exploit your investment in the relationship—and your empathy, too.
Most importantly, the narcissist is a skilled player, and he’s not shy about taking risks either, and until you see that clearly, you’re in big trouble. When someone honest and caring is faced with someone who is more than willing to lie, happy to manipulate, and ultimately, doesn’t care about you, you don’t stand a chance. Keep in mind that the narcissist loves being in a relationship and needs to be in a relationship because he uses it to organize himself—to boost his self-esteem or maintain his self-esteem.
As W. Keith Campbell and his colleagues note in their study of play, the narcissist is not necessarily cruel, but he is capable of using a soft touch. He wants you in the relationship because he likes to control and keep you off balance, but at the same time, he also wants your independence. It’s not that he doesn’t have any positive feelings for you—he may—but they are relatively shallow, because he’s not interested in intimacy, and in the scheme of things, his own needs come first. If you’re having an encounter with a narcissist, it’s important to realize that seeing him (or her) isn’t as easy as it seems. If every narcissist were the caricature that culture paints him or her—the person who loudly proclaims “me, me, me” and is so vain that he or she can’t breathe, whose living room is filled with selfies and trophies—no one would need to read anything about this. No, the problem is that the narcissist can hide in plain sight, and somehow remain difficult to detect.
