According to a major study published in 2008, 6.2% of the adult U.S. population suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.1 An earlier wave of the same study reported that 3.6% suffer from antisocial personality disorder (ASPD—a term equivalent to sociopath).2 Nearly 20% of people with ASPD also suffer from narcissistic personality disorder,3 a potent combination.
With such a large presence in society, all of us need to know the warning signs, similarities, and differences between these two personality types. This applies to dating, employment, and even electing leaders. In the news almost every day, we hear about the secrets, lies, abuse, or brutality of those who seem attractive on the surface. Many people are surprised, but much of this is predictable when you learn about their behavior patterns.
In my decades of experience as a therapist, mediator, attorney, and trainer at the High Conflict Institute, I’ve seen that many people often overlook the warning signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“Oh, she’s just a self-obsessed person”) and completely miss the signs of Antisocial Personality Disorder (“Oh, he’s just a narcissist” when in fact he’s a psychopath or both). While I don’t want to generalize or scare people—these personality disorders exist on a continuum of severity—I think we all need to be aware of these personalities in today’s world to avoid being misled and caught off guard.
Narcissists
Most people know that narcissists can be charming and attractive at first. They pay close attention during the seduction process, shower you with compliments and gifts, and make grandiose promises. (This applies equally to all situations, especially dating, employment, and electing leaders.) They exaggerate their abilities, friends, history, and plans. They boost your self-esteem by telling you how great you are—over and over.
In dating, they want quick intimacy. In the workplace, they want the spotlight and a lot of credit for minor accomplishments (if any). In business and political leadership, they have the best grandiose plans to change the world, with no basis for accomplishing them. However, their self-belief can be blind and contagious.
But in reality, narcissists are self-absorbed and see themselves as superior to others—including those around them who may have initially been seduced by their charm. At first, this seems annoying but bearable. But these are also warning signs of potential danger ahead.
Sociopaths
Psychopaths can also be extremely charming and seductive until they get what they want (money, sex, connections, a sense of power over someone). After that, they may disappear, or they may stay and become extremely cruel or manipulative. People with antisocial personality disorder (a term equivalent to sociopath) can be extremely aggressive and reckless, can be skilled con artists, engage in criminal behavior, and lack all remorse. 4 Some enjoy humiliating and hurting people.
However, many of them are not involved in the criminal justice system but are active in business, politics, or even community leadership. When they are involved in romantic relationships, they can be extremely deceptive about where they are going and what they are doing when they are away from their partners. This can also apply in the workplace, with endless excuses for supervisors and coworkers. They deceive and lie so frequently that little of what they say is true. Words are just a tool they use to get what they want. Their theme is dominance.
Differences
According to the Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders — currently the DSM-5 — “Narcissistic personality disorder does not include the features of impulsivity, aggression, and deceit,” which are instead characteristics of antisocial personality disorder.5 So, if someone is extremely aggressive and lies all the time, they are more likely to be antisocial (a sociopath) than narcissistic. These are characteristics that predict more serious problems down the road.
Narcissists tend to exaggerate, although they do sometimes lie. Narcissists also care more about what others think of them—primarily to like them—than sociopaths, who don’t care at all about what others think as long as they get what they want. Similarly, narcissists may stay in relationships longer, while sociopaths are more likely to quit when things get uncomfortable or difficult. Sociopaths seem to enjoy fighting and violence, while narcissists prefer the rewards of superiority without having to fight for it.
Similarities
Both narcissists and sociopaths invest a lot of energy in creating a false image of themselves that others—and themselves—see, and thus their charm and persuasive skills are the best in the world. Both are essentially con artists: Narcissists deceive people about their amazing identity and abilities, while psychopaths deceive people by playing on their vulnerabilities and desires (through charm and intimidation) to get what they want. Both have a lot of secrets and their words cannot be trusted.
They both demand loyalty, but they do not give it in return. Narcissists, from the cases I have worked with, often pursue two or three romantic relationships at the same time. They have an excessive need for “narcissistic supply,” which often requires more than one partner. This pattern of behavior can be devastating to their primary partner, and despite many promises, it may never go away.
On the other hand, psychopaths appear to have the most chaotic personality, even more so than most narcissists. They may be more sexually abusive and irresponsible. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5): “They may have a history of multiple sexual partners and may never remain in a monogamous relationship.”6 However, they do occasionally have long-term relationships, but mostly for convenience, such as support in a comfortable lifestyle.
Risks
People with narcissistic personality disorder can be dangerously exploitative and lack empathy. 7 This means they’re willing to invest a lot of energy in maintaining their superior image, even if it means repeatedly humiliating you, even in public. For more on narcissists and psychopaths in romantic relationships, see our book Dating Radar (co-authored with Megan Hunter).
In the workplace, they may become indifferent to your career or even use you as a target to deflect attention from their shortcomings. Sometimes, a narcissistic boss or academic advisor may give you negative feedback out of spite or try to hurt your career because you didn’t flatter them enough or caused them “narcissistic injury” (when they’re exposed for not being superior at all). For more on the serious problems narcissists face in the workplace, see our book It’s All Your Fault at Work (co-authored with L. Georgi DiStefano).
In business and politics, narcissists are known for winning allies through flattery and then abandoning or passing them over to get to a higher position. However, many of these allies don’t see it coming, because they believe they are special to the narcissist, because of the way he charmed them in the beginning. But their character is based on being superior: they are “winners” and in the end, everyone else is a “loser.”
On the other hand, psychopaths may be more likely to take revenge, use violence, or destroy valuable property to settle their alleged infidelities in romantic, business, or political relationships. They invest a lot of energy and resources in covering up their past abusive behavior and can be very hurtful to those who try to expose them.
Narcissists and Psychopaths
As mentioned above, a percentage of psychopaths (ASPDs) also have narcissistic personality disorder. That’s about 1 percent of the U.S. population. 8 This combination and proportion fit the criteria for psychopaths, who have their list of characteristics9 including pathological lying, criminal behavior, and a parasitic lifestyle, as well as some features of antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Similarly, this combination was identified more than fifty years ago by Erich Fromm, who defined “malignant narcissism” as including this combination in powerful dictators, from the Egyptian pharaohs and Roman Caesars to Hitler and Stalin. He also said that there were traits of increasing paranoia and sadism in malignant narcissists, who became more dangerous the longer they were in power—hence, the term malignant means expanding like a cancer. 10
Conclusion
In today’s news, we often hear about people who are selfish, who lie a lot and hurt others, including their friends, family members, and others they thought cared about. People are often surprised. By becoming aware of the personality of narcissists and sociopaths, we should be better able to anticipate problems and protect ourselves. We need to develop a healthy skepticism so that we can look beyond the charming facades and recognize personality patterns that indicate that serious behavioral problems are being covered up and/or are waiting for us.
