Narcissists know who is most likely to feel shame and then create situations that generate more shame for those individuals.
Shame is a control tool for narcissists in relationships.
A sign that you are feeling shame is if your partner isolates you from friends and family and blames you for all negative events.
Shame is a very normal thing that anyone feels and experiences throughout life. Shame is different from regret or sadness because of the root cause of the emotion. Unlike an incident or omission that resulted in some kind of harm to someone else, shame is the result of a conscious action and a way of seeing yourself as a “bad” person.
People who feel shame evaluate themselves and see their mistakes as a defining part of their being. This is often reinforced by the messages and information that others, including parents, receive throughout life. Shame is often more pronounced in those who feel empathy for others because they are highly attuned to the distress caused by their actions. They take on this role of seeing themselves as negative, bad, or harmful. Unlike guilt, which is a reaction to what you do, shame becomes a negative reaction to how you see yourself as a person.
Related : Assessing the Damage from Narcissistic Parents
At the other end of the spectrum are narcissists. These individuals do not see themselves as responsible for anything bad or negative in the lives of those around them. They justify their behaviors and do not empathize with others, which allows them to avoid feelings of guilt and shame.
Interestingly, researchers now believe that deep-seated shame is often involved in the development of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The narcissist has spent his or her life denying this reality and has become manipulative and covers up his or her feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing by externalizing these feelings and projecting them onto partners and others.
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The narcissist plays on the empathic response of those who are deeply ashamed. The narcissist may not show his or her deepest feelings. However, they are very effective at exposing those who are uncertain or even insecure about their self-perception.
People with low self-esteem or who see themselves as flawed become targets for narcissists. Not only does the narcissist discover weakness, but he also creates situations to generate feelings of shame in the partner. By creating more shame, they put themselves in a position of control in the relationship by constantly undermining the other person’s sense of self-worth.
Signs of Shame in a Relationship
It can often be difficult to spot signs of a narcissistic partner playing the “shame game.” However, look for recurring issues such as:
Isolation – pushing away friends and family who might compensate for the negative message
Referring to shameful events – sharing information about shameful events with a partner who then brings up these issues over and over again
Blaming – the narcissist blames the partner for all negative events, twisting the issues to seem intentional
Not taking responsibility – similar to blaming, the narcissist does not take responsibility for anything negative even if they have direct control
Distance – just when you need the most support, the narcissist becomes distant. This creates even more feelings of anxiety and shame, especially when coupled with blaming for relationship problems.
To address shame issues and develop healthy self-esteem, breaking out of the pattern of narcissistic abuse is the first step. Working with a therapist and having a support network is crucial to breaking free from the narcissist’s grip and moving away from this type of emotional abuse.
