Key Points

For most narcissists, relationships are transactional: they provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to prop up the narcissist’s ego.

Narcissists prioritize power over intimacy and abhor vulnerability, which they see as weakness.

Narcissists see other people as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals.

Anyone who has ever loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he love me?” “Does he appreciate me?” They are torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but they can’t do either. Some swear they are loved; others are convinced they are not. It’s confusing because sometimes they experience the caring person they love, whose company is fun, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate. Narcissists claim to love their families and partners, but is that true?

How Narcissists Love

Narcissists may show affection in the early stages of dating. But this type of affection, according to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, “is always directed toward our projections, expectations, and fantasies… It is a love not for another person, but for ourselves.” Such relationships provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to support the narcissist’s ego and self-esteem. For most narcissists, relationships are transactional. Their goal is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure (Campbell et al.). They are playing a game, and winning is the goal. They are attractive, and energetic, and possess emotional intelligence that helps them recognize, express, understand, and manage emotions (Delke et al., 2011). This helps them manipulate people to gain their love and admiration. They brag about being respected, loved, and approved of. In addition, their strong social skills allow them to make a good first impression. They can show great interest in romantic prospects and seduce with generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. Amorous narcissists (of the Don Juan and Mata Hari type) are skilled and persuasive lovers who may have many conquests, yet remain single. Some narcissists lie and/or practice love bombing by overwhelming their prey with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.

Narcissists lose interest as their expectations of closeness increase, or when they win their game. Many have difficulty sustaining a relationship for more than six months to a few years. They prioritize power over closeness and dislike vulnerability, which they see as weakness. (See Lancer, 2014) To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer to dominate and outshine others. Playing the game thus strikes the perfect balance between meeting their needs and keeping their options open for flirting or dating multiple partners. (Campbell, et al.)

A sudden breakup can be traumatic for the ex, who feels confused by their unexpected change of heart—proposing one minute and then walking away the next. They feel confused, crushed, neglected, and betrayed. Had the relationship continued, they would have eventually seen through the narcissist’s seductive veneer.

Some narcissists are practical in their approach to relationships, focused on their own goals. They may also develop positive feelings toward their partner, but more so based on friendship and shared interests. If married, they lack the motivation to maintain their romantic façade and use defenses to avoid closeness. They become cold, critical, and angry, especially when challenged or not getting what they want. They are likely to support their spouse’s needs and desires only when it is convenient and their ego is satisfied. Having devalued their partner, they need to look elsewhere to support their inflated ego.

Challenges faced by the narcissist

True love is not romance, nor is it codependency. For Aristotle and St. Thomas Aquinas, it is “willing the good of the other.” In The Psychology of Romantic Love, Nathaniel Branden states that “to love a person is to know and love his person.” (1980, p. 50) It is a union between two individuals, requiring that we see another person as separate from ourselves. Furthermore, Erich Fromm (1945) asserts in his book The Art of Loving that love entails the effort to develop knowledge, responsibility, and commitment. We must be motivated to know the desires, needs, and feelings of others and to offer them encouragement and support. We enjoy their happiness and try not to hurt them.

When we love, we take an active interest in their life and growth. We try to understand their experience and worldview, even though it may differ from our own. Caring involves offering attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. We must devote the necessary time and discipline. Romantic love can develop into love, but narcissists are not motivated to truly know and understand others. (Ritter et al.)

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013) Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy. (Schultz et al. 2013) As a result, their ability to respond appropriately emotionally and express care and concern is significantly impaired.

Narcissists face several obstacles to love. First, they do not see themselves or others. Perfectionist narcissists treat others harshly and may try to destroy opponents to maintain the illusion of perfection. All of these issues impair narcissists’ ability to accurately perceive another person’s reality, including that person’s love for them. Narcissists’ emotional intelligence helps them manipulate and exploit others to get what they want, while their poor emotional empathy makes them insensitive to the pain they cause.

CanWeMeasureLove?

Love is difficult to measure, but research shows that people feel loved through 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time, 3) gift-giving, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. (Goff et al., 2007) Another study found that participants also felt loved by a partner who: 1) showed interest in their affairs; 2) provided emotional and moral support; 3) revealed intimate truths; and 4) expressed feelings toward them, such as “I am happier when I am around you”; and 5) tolerated their demands and flaws to maintain the relationship.

Conclusion

People who love narcissists are deprived of many of these expressions of love. Sometimes, narcissists are aloof, dismissive, or aggressive; other times, they are caring, attentive, and helpful. This does not mean that narcissists are incapable of feeling or even intellectually understanding someone’s feelings. The problem seems to be rooted in childhood trauma and a physiological deficit that affects emotional evaluation, reflection, and appropriate empathic expression (e.g., an unconscious or unexpressed “I love you, but”). When expressed, “I’m too busy to go to the hospital” sounds very cold, but it may not reflect the narcissist’s love for the person in the hospital. When the importance of the visit is explained to them, they may make the trip.

They may show love when they are motivated. Their love is conditional, depending on the impact on the narcissist. My book, Dealing with a Narcissist, details how to deal with this and leverage it in relationships with narcissists, addicts, or anyone who is highly defensive. Because narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to malignant, when it is severe, selfishness and an inability to express love become more apparent as greater demands are placed on the narcissist. Dating or long-term relationships with lower expectations are easier.

Conclusion

Wondering if a narcissist loves you is the wrong question. While it is wise to understand that such minds, like Eco in the Narcissus myth, are overly focused on the narcissist at their own expense. Instead, ask yourself if you feel valued, respected, and cared for. Are your needs being met? If not, how does that affect you and your self-esteem, and what can you do about it?