Evie – My wife (age 30) and I have one daughter, 6. We have often discussed having just one child because it makes financial sense. We don’t have to move to a new house or upgrade the car etc. I was an only child and grew up happily, so I don’t see any problem with my daughter growing up the same way. She has lots of cousins on both sides. A couple of weeks ago my wife found out she was pregnant again – it was completely unexpected and not planned. She quickly embraced the idea of having another child and wanted to go ahead with it. The problem is, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel the same excitement or love that I did with our first pregnancy. I struggle to imagine doing all the baby/toddler stuff again, especially since my wife has just gone back to work and it would have been great to have two incomes again. I feel like this second child might stop us from achieving the plans we had. Am I wrong here? We’ve talked a little about terminating the pregnancy but my wife refuses. How do we move forward with this? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. You’re in a tough spot, and it’s completely understandable why you feel this way. You and your spouse had a plan—one child, financial stability, and a clear path forward.
Now, this unexpected pregnancy has thrown a wrench into that plan and made you question everything.
First, let me say that your feelings are completely valid. It’s natural not to jump for joy when something this big suddenly comes along. You were comfortable with the idea of having one child, and now you’re being asked to embrace a future you didn’t choose.
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But here’s the thing: Whether you feel ready or not, this baby is on its way, and your spouse has made it clear that she’s committed to seeing this through to the end.
So how do you move forward?
It starts with a shift in perspective.
Right now, you’re focusing on what you might lose—the financial comfort, the freedom to stick to your plans, and the smooth rhythm you’ve just regained with two incomes. But have you considered what you might gain?
Having another child means more love, more memories, and yes, more challenges, but also the opportunity to grow as a parent and a partner.
It’s okay to not feel the same excitement as you did the first time.
This doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent. What matters is how you handle these feelings going forward. If you remain stuck in your resistance, it can create distance between you and your spouse, which will make things even more difficult. You both need to have an honest conversation—not just about your fears, but about what this new baby might mean for your family in the long run.
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You may not feel love yet, but that can change. Sometimes it takes time to adjust to a new reality, and that’s okay.
Right now, your spouse needs your support, and eventually, your new baby will need you, too. Just like your first child, love and connection will come as you work through this together.
Life doesn’t always go according to plan, but how you choose to respond to this surprise will shape the kind of parent and partner you will be. Don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from embracing this new chapter. It may not be what you imagined, but it could end up being better than you imagined.
