By definition, narcissistic parents prioritize their own needs over those of their children and undermine them with unrealistic expectations, cognitive distortions, boundary violations, excessive criticism, and constant shaming.
Children who are blamed typically bear the brunt of the narcissistic parent’s anger and rejection, but even children who are treated with favoritism internalize the insecure and conditional nature of their parent’s acceptance. Everyone in the family becomes hypervigilant to the overly emotional demands and reactions of the dominant narcissist, and they circle that person to gain favor or avoid attack.
Destructive Internal Messages
Not surprisingly, children raised in this traumatic environment often develop social anxiety and performance anxiety, which may include hyperarousal, chronic self-doubt, distrust of relationships, and intense fear of judgment. These children internalize the following messages:
Vulnerability is unsafe.
Free self-expression must be suppressed.
Harsh judgment is ever-present.
Performance is tied to basic self-worth.
Attention may lead to humiliation.
It is dangerous to compete with the parent.
It is dangerous to compete with the favorite golden child.
Blame is inevitable.
Children who hold these beliefs may suffer from panic attacks and become socially avoidant or even phobic. They may fear speaking up in class, withdraw from groups, and avoid performance-based activities, leading to social isolation and low achievement.
As adults, their insecurities and avoidant coping styles may make them risk-averse and self-sabotaging. They may ignore educational options, social events, jobs, career advancement, leadership roles, and social networking opportunities to avoid the judgment or humiliation they have been conditioned to expect and fear they deserve.
Related : Treating Adult Children of Narcissists
As with a shortened outlook on life (see my Psychology Today article “Shortened Outlook in Children of Adults with Narcissistic Personality Disorders”), social anxiety and performance anxiety are two rarely discussed but highly disabling components of PTSD in children and adults raised by narcissistic or other personality disorders. I see these symptoms routinely in my work with this population and have experienced them myself as a survivor. My clients often have little insight into the causes of their fears, which destabilizes their self-esteem and increases their anxiety and shame. Even if they identify the abnormal dynamics they grew up with, as adults they often struggle to recognize their anxiety response as a form of trauma and instead blame themselves for the problem. Many turn to compulsive and addictive behaviors as a way to soothe themselves and detach from painful feelings.
Ways to Overcome Social Anxiety and Performance Anxiety
As with any negative conditioning, undoing the damage must include positive reconditioning. Learning anxiety management skills is also an important part of overcoming self-defeating patterns. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Practice in low-risk situations.
Look for opportunities to practice social and/or performance-related experiences in relatively non-threatening, low-risk settings such as with friends or very small groups. This will help you overcome negative conditioning with positive experiences. It will also help you build important underdeveloped skills that will increase your self-confidence.
- Deactivate your trauma response.
Learn ways to deactivate your deeply ingrained hyper-trauma response, which tends to reinforce feelings of fear and inadequacy. Belly breathing, meditation, mindfulness, and physical activity can all be effective ways to manage hyper-vigilance and panic.
- Connect with your emotions.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can lead to emotional dysregulation and alienation. Reconnecting with your feelings and building emotional knowledge through self-awareness practices is a vital part of reducing anxiety and other symptoms of complex trauma. Self-awareness helps de-stigmatize feelings themselves, allowing us to work in alliance with our feelings rather than against them.
You can build self-awareness through regular journaling, daily self-check-in, therapy or coaching, and engaging in art and other forms of creative self-expression.
- Cultivate Attunement.
At the most fundamental level, children of narcissistic parents are deprived of attuned reflection and empathic validation of the self. Insecure attachment and persistent disruptions in social connections are the root causes of narcissistic developmental trauma and are the primary causes of social anxiety.
Finding compassionate attunement in other settings, such as friends, other safe adults or relatives, animals, and nature, or artistic activities such as music or dance, provide powerful opportunities to build connections, trust, self-confidence, and emotional regulation that alleviate anxiety and other debilitating dimensions of complex trauma.
