Key Points
Parents high in narcissism tend to assign roles to their children including “golden child,” “scapegoat,” and “lost child.”
A narcissist’s “lost child” may be physically and emotionally neglectful.
A “lost child” may carry their trauma into adulthood and may attract neglectful and emotionally abusive partners.
Parents high in narcissism tend to assign “roles” to their children. This is because, in contrast to allowing their children to develop into independent individuals, narcissists tend to be driven by the need to control others to meet their own needs.
We often hear about the child who is the narcissist’s “scapegoat” or “golden child,” but we rarely associate narcissists with having a “lost child.” Losing a child—no matter how metaphorical the loss—doesn’t seem to fit the narcissist’s need to cling to others around them. Since children can fulfill the narcissist’s need for supply, why would they allow one child to slip off the grid?
Narcissists are adept at identifying the uses others may put them to. It may be easy to identify a difficult child, or a more independent child, as a scapegoat. A beautiful or talented child may be labeled the golden child. A child desperate for attention may become an enabler or a flying monkey.
Related : Romantic Relationships in Adults of Narcissistic Parents
Once the basic roles have been fulfilled, the narcissist may simply not need another child. Having two children who fill the same role can be counterproductive. If you already have a golden child, and you add another child, this makes the first golden child seem less golden. You also run the risk of the two children fighting and competing for attention. Things can get very complicated. Because narcissists are often emotionally immature, they tend not to need this level of complexity.
Consequently, there may simply be no role that needs filling where others in the family have already stepped in. Sometimes children become “lost” because of their place in the family. Sometimes, the role of “golden child” or “surrogate parent” is assigned to older children. Other times, the older child becomes lost when the parent focuses their attention on younger siblings. The lost child may also be the less demanding child who is happier spending time alone. They may be more easygoing and less likely to get involved in family drama.
Although narcissistic parents tend to be very controlling, they can also be lazy and neglectful, ultimately focusing more on their own needs than their children’s. Lost children can sometimes be difficult for the parent to understand or label, and it’s easier to simply neglect them.
Signs of Being a “Lost Child”
If you consider yourself a narcissist’s “lost child,” you may have been affected in the following ways:
- You can’t love or accept yourself.
When you grow up with a parent who neglects you, either physically or emotionally, you internalize the powerful message that you don’t matter. If you grow up feeling unloved or unimportant, you may continue to feel that way into adulthood.
- You repeat patterns in other relationships.
When we learn that the world is a certain way, we unconsciously tend to recreate what we know about the world. No matter how painful it may be, it is often much easier to recreate the known than to step into the unknown. People who grew up feeling unloved or abandoned may attract partners who treat them the same way.
- Not taking care of yourself.
Many lost children are not only emotionally neglected, but they are also physically neglected and their basic needs are not adequately met. Some lost children have trouble taking care of themselves when it comes to personal hygiene, household cleanliness, and taking care of their mental and physical health.
- You struggle with addictions or self-destructive behaviors.
Because you grew up feeling unloved and uncared for, you may turn to addictive or self-destructive behaviors as a way to cope with low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
- You feel lost.
Ultimately, if you’re the lost child of a narcissist, you may simply feel like you’re… lost. You feel like something essential is missing from your life because it always has been. There may be a sense of emptiness.
If you grew up as a “lost child,” it’s important to recognize that you did nothing to deserve to be put in this position. What you went through was the result of your parents’ emotional issues. There’s nothing wrong with you, and with time, patience, and support, you can learn to love yourself and heal from the trauma of your upbringing.
