Be honest. Do you feel calm and content with your life as it is?
Or do you often hear voices in your head nagging at you, “Why are you like this?!” or “This isn’t how you’re supposed to be!”?
If the latter is true for you, then you probably aren’t at peace with yourself.
The good news is that you can change this by doing some inner work and adjusting your habits.
So, if that inner peace and calm is missing from your life, here are some things you should stop doing right now.
1) Thinking about “what ifs”
In life, we can only choose one path at a time… and that’s bad because it means we have to constantly say goodbye to a million possibilities.
Sure, you could have been a poet, a scientist, or a sailor… but you’re not any of those things because you chose this life now.
There’s no point in focusing your energies on all the things that could have been.
When I think about the possibilities, I always think of this quote by Sylvia Plath about the paralyzing effect of wanting to have it all.
I can relate to that because I often feel at peace with myself. I often wonder about the many other lives I didn’t choose. And it often makes me sad.
Are you too?
Do you wonder, “What if I wasn’t meant to live here? What if I would have been happier in Morocco, Iceland, or Peru?”
Or, “What if I chose a different partner? A different career? A different group of friends?”
While it’s natural to wonder about other possibilities, thinking about them will keep you from finding peace with yourself.
Practice finding peace with your choices. Focus on living the life you have and experiencing it fully.
Remember: as long as your choices align with your core values, you are exactly where you are meant to be.
It’s always possible to change course and make changes if that’s what you truly want. But for now, make peace with your choices, so you can truly make peace with yourself.
2) Asking “Did I do the right thing?”
The thing is, just like “what if,” there’s often no definitive answer to this question. But you can’t help but ponder it, anyway.
Let’s say you fired an employee, do you blame yourself and ask “Did I do the right thing, or should I have given them another chance?”
Or, say you left your parents to work in another country, do you feel guilty and ask yourself “Did I do the right thing by leaving them, when they sacrificed their lives for me?”
In life, we face tough choices and we are often asked to make tough decisions. There are some things we don’t want to do, but we have to do them anyway.
So constantly asking yourself “Did I do the right thing?” is pointless.
All it does is exhaust you and make you lose confidence in yourself.
You tried to make the wisest decision at the time. To feel at peace with yourself, you just have to trust that it’s the best.
3) Setting Unrealistic Expectations for Yourself
“I have to be a millionaire by the time I’m 30!”
“I have to publish a best-selling novel!”
“I have to be fit and swimsuit-ready in six months.”
If you let your ambitions take over, it’s going to be hard to be at peace with yourself.
Let me explain.
While ambition is great, if your entire self-esteem is based on whether or not you can achieve a goal, you’re always going to blame yourself for something.
Yes, you’re going to end up torturing yourself if you don’t have self-compassion!
You’re going to drain yourself from the pressure of constantly working hard to prove to yourself that you’re worthy.
What about thinking of yourself as deserving of love and respect by default?
Because what if some of those great goals don’t come true? Does that mean you have to deny yourself your love and respect?
4) Blaming yourself for all the “bad” things that happen to you
Is your relationship over? You think it’s your fault.
Did your child fail a test? Your fault.
Did your car break down? Your fault.
Did you get fired from your job? Again, your fault.
And you look at them and think, “If only I could have done better.”
Blaming yourself will slowly destroy you.
You have to realize that some things are beyond your control. You didn’t want any of these things to happen, did you?
It can be hard, but sometimes the best course of action is to move forward.
Make peace with your past, so you can be at peace with yourself in the present.
5) Comparing yourself to others
Let’s say your sister bought a five-bedroom house. Instead of being happy for her, do you become a bit competitive and tell yourself “Wait a minute. I’ll buy an eight-bedroom house!”
And if your friends are successful in their businesses, do you think “Hmm. If they can do it, so can I!”
That’s toxic.
Yes, it’s natural to look at other people’s lives and compare them to our own.
But while it’s great to be inspired by other people’s success, it’s damaging to your self-esteem and inner peace if you’re beating yourself up for not being like them!
That won’t give you peace because you’ll be so hard on yourself that you feel like you’ve outdone the people you envy!
It’s a never-ending cycle – trust me.
So what can you do?
Start by accepting who you are.
Accept that you do things and achieve them at your own pace.
Enjoy your journey.
In short, realize that everyone’s path is unique.
Open your eyes and appreciate your life, and you will be happier and more at peace with yourself.
6) Transform Yourself into a Project
Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been trying to fix myself like there was something wrong with me.
I listed what I wanted to change about my body – from head to toe!
I listed what I thought I needed to change so I could achieve my dreams (and the list was long because I had big dreams).
The saddest part of all was that I listed the ways I needed to change myself so people would love me.
I felt like there were 1,000 things I needed to fix about myself before I could start living my life.
So, I spent a good part of my 20s and early 30s not feeling at peace with myself.
I’ve always had to prove to myself that I’m truly worthy – and that never happened because I haven’t achieved half of what’s on my list yet!
If you’re like me, give yourself a little love and compassion while you work on yourself.
It’s important to try to be a better version of yourself, but we can’t destroy ourselves in the process.
So even when it seems hard, tell yourself that you’re a great work in progress – with all the flaws – because it’s true.
7) Letting the world influence you too much
To feel at peace with yourself, you have to be your advocate.
You have to be less harsh on what others say.
You have to be able to stop and ask yourself “Wait a minute, am I doing this for others or myself?”
And you have to be your own best friend and champion for your true self.
You have to know when to give someone your middle finger and say “No, I don’t care what you think of me. I care what I think of myself!”
Through this, you become more at peace with who you are. This is one of the most amazing feelings ever – to finally love yourself as you are.
Final Thoughts
Being at peace with yourself may seem easy to some.
But unfortunately, there are many reasons why it can be nearly impossible for many of us.
There’s a culture of hard work. It makes us believe that we constantly need to produce and achieve something. And if we don’t? Then we’re inferior.
Then there’s religion, there’s parental influence, and there’s the media that tells us that being at peace with ourselves is just plain lazy.
It takes a lot of work and courage to identify and change patterns that are making us miserable, especially when they’re deeply ingrained in our mindset.
But we do have to unlearn a lot of things and do the work.
Catching yourself when you start to regret, beat yourself up, or compare yourself to others is a good start.
Take it one day at a time. It’s all practice.
Because feeling good and at peace with yourself is worth it.
