Modern technology has forever changed the way we parent. Today’s teens use their new phones and computers as multi-level, multi-faceted thinking machines intertwined with their biological brains. This mysterious interaction has produced a language unlike anything the world has ever known.
These tech-savvy teens spend most of their day talking or texting to devices that seem to be attached to their hands with invisible cords. They often communicate with each other through these tiny devices more than a hundred times a day.
Yet, despite their incredible power, these devices can only deliver a small fraction of the intended communication. Words make up only ten percent of any emotionally charged verbal communication. The other ninety percent is tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and other subtle cues. Video chatting can help, but it can’t replace the feeling of facing or touching another person in real-time. Add to that the thousands of texting abbreviations available, and character limitations and misunderstandings are inevitable.
Through these magical devices of communication, young people can gain false or objective knowledge without the guidance of a church, temple, or parent, often gathering information unknown to those responsible for their well-being. Tech teens are both extremely intelligent and naive. Unfortunately, many of their parents are completely uneducated about this new world in which their children spend most of their time. And because personal privacy is nonexistent once something is published, these young people are constantly exposed to their deepest, darkest secrets that are forever published for anyone to see.
I have worked with hundreds of teens throughout my forty-year career as a therapist. Life is not easy for them. They are neither children nor adults, and they live every day without the protection of childhood or adulthood. The emotional pathways in their brains are developing by the time they are fourteen, but the “choice-choice,” or synaptic connections for making long-term decisions, do not fully mature until they are in their twenties. This leaves them with four vulnerable years, where hormones and emotions drive them, but they haven’t yet developed the discernment they need to make good long-term decisions.
They are my favorite people to work with. Their emotional responses to life may change from moment to moment, but they are honest and authentic. I care for them and I grieve for them. In many ways, they can never be children again, and they don’t yet know what kind of adults they will become. Many have lost faith in the heroes they once worshiped and distrust those who don’t speak their new language.
Parents who want to understand, love, and guide them must not only recognize and respect this previously unknown gap between them and their teens; they must also learn to think and speak with this new technology. Otherwise, they are likely to be seen as technological dinosaurs, trapped in a dimension that no longer exists in their teens’ world.
Meaningful traditions are still important to children, as are fashions, friendships, and the insecurities of love in their youth. They still want to be known, understood, and forgiven for their selfish expectations. They still wonder what makes life worth living, and what challenges they will eventually face. They’ve been pushed to new heights that most parents can’t see or understand.
If you’re confused by your teen’s behavior, as many parents are, the following ways to engage with them may help. While I’ve gathered these tried-and-true techniques from hundreds of hours with teens, they’re still just suggestions. These are your kids, and you should ultimately trust your heart.
Communicate
Kids hate “trap” questions
Don’t ask a question you already know the answer to, as if you don’t know the answer. They tell me how much they hate these manipulative questions, and they’ll resent you pretending to ask innocently when you already know the answer. Not only will they obscure the indirect lesson you’re trying to teach, but they’ll also come up with clever, distracting answers to deliberately confuse you. For example, if you know your kids are lying about where they’ve been, don’t try to trick them. It’s always best to be honest with the truth as you know it.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“Did you and Molly have fun at the party at her house last night? I’m sure her parents checked in on you regularly, didn’t they? I’ve heard that some kids pretend to be at someone’s house but go somewhere else, but you wouldn’t do that, would you, dear?”
What is more effective:
“Honey, I heard you left Molly’s house and went to a party. Some of your friends called and told me you had been drinking. You threw up on the floor in Molly’s bathroom later and told her mom that her mom probably had the flu. I’m worried that you may not remember what happened and may have been hurt. Can we talk about this now, or would you rather wait until tonight? We’ll have to figure out some way to deal with this together, but I’d rather wait until you’re feeling better before we come up with answers.”
Unsolicited Advice
Try to refrain from making suggestions or asking too many questions in a row. It’s better to be direct than to preach. Teens often tell me that their parents never stop preaching, warning, and advising. It’s true that many kids forget and need to be reminded a few times, even about things they want to remember, but preaching often backfires and teaches hostile dependence rather than healthy independence. There are better ways to express your concern about his space-age behavior. Ask him what he needs and what he thinks would help him.
Try to refrain from telling stories about your childhood and how you handled things. Pay special attention to eye-rolling. This is a sure sign that your child doesn’t care about what you’re saying.
Example
What’s unlikely to help:
“You have to remember to bring that book tomorrow. You’ve been late with that teacher’s homework so many times, that you’ll regret it one day. Maybe you could put a note in the mirror or something, or I could remind you when we leave the house. You’re in a dream world these days, and you can’t seem to remember what’s important.”
What’s more effective:
“I know you felt bad when your teacher scolded you in front of the class for forgetting your homework. I don’t want to bother you, but I’m here to help if you want me to. Maybe you can come up with your ideas about how to do it, and then tell me what you need. I’d be happy to take requests if you think that would solve the problem. I understand that you have to solve this problem yourself, but I’m available if you need me.
Rushing to solve a problem
Parents often move too quickly to solve a situation without having all the information they need to make a better decision. Try to stay calm when you have to impose consequences. Children can tell that you’ve already made up your mind and are putting them in an imaginary choice. If you express your frustration with a situation too quickly, your children are more likely to argue or stay quiet just to get the lecture over with. They usually know that you’ve already made up your mind and are more interested in upsetting them than helping them solve the situation. Even when you feel the urgency inside, your patience in getting the full picture will pay off.
Example
What Probably Won’t Help:
“Your teacher called me and told me you were late on three assignments. I’m disappointed that you told me everything was fine when it wasn’t. Your mom and I discussed this and we agreed that you would be suspended until all of these late assignments were turned in. We won’t tolerate you making time for your friends before school, and you’re not making good choices. You need more control.”
What’s More Effective:
“I got a notification from your math teacher today that you’re a little late on your homework. He was really worried and thinking a lot about you. I was really glad he called early enough so we could get you back on track. Can you tell me what’s going on, honey? I know you’re usually in charge of these things. I don’t want to impose consequences if I’m missing information that could change the situation.”
Mastering Silence
Kids talk when they want to, not when they’re pushed. When you pick your kids up from school, they are very preoccupied with the many things that happened during the day, as well as unresolved internal issues. If you start your meeting by asking multiple questions, they are likely to move on or respond with a snarky comment. If you are very present, seem good yourself, and don’t pressure them, your kids are likely to start talking on their own. If they do, don’t be tempted to solve their problems or tell them what they should have done. Just listen without judgment. They may eventually ask for guidance. Resist the urge to be overly controlling.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“Hey. How was school? Did you get that grade on your physics test? Did that girl finally talk to you? I was thinking about your upcoming math test and was wondering if we should get you a tutor. What do you think? Oh, and your sister is bringing some friends home from college this weekend. Would you mind sleeping in the living room, just for a couple of nights? Would that help? Are you hungry?”
What is more effective:
“Hi, honey. Nice to see you. Hope you’re having a good day. I’d love to hear what’s on your mind if you’d like to talk.”
Then be quiet and wait for them to chime in. Make your responses less chatty than theirs and don’t worry about being quiet or choosing to listen to their music.
Keep your corrections short
Children quickly cover their ears when they have to listen to something unfavorable. Most parents overcorrect and overwhelm their children, and most children expect this to happen. If you seem agitated or stressed, they will respond to your angry disappointment and accuse you of being wrong or bad. They can easily overcome their neglect by dragging you into an argument, which masks your initial anxiety.
Example
What probably won’t help you:
“You left your room a mess again. This is the fourth time this month, and you knew we had guests coming. I do so much for you and ask for so little in return, and then you ignore me. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t believe you anymore. What happens when I’m not around? I need some respect here. I wonder if you care unless you want something. I’m sick of this behavior. I want to change it, now.”
What’s Most Effective:
“I just need to talk to you for a few minutes. It’s about the mess in your room that you promised to clean up yesterday. I know this probably isn’t something you want to talk about, and I’m not here to make you feel guilty or defend yourself. Just give me a minute and try to just listen.
We agreed that you would keep your room tidy in exchange for the things you want me to do for you. I’d like to make this work between us, but I don’t want to do what we did before because it didn’t work. Let’s do it differently so we can both get what we want. Tell me what you think might work better and I’ll give you my input. We can work this out together if we both agree on the same goal. I don’t want to punish you and I don’t want you to disappoint me again. Let’s put something together that works.”
Teaching
It’s every parent’s job to teach their child what the outside world expects of them and how they can succeed on their own one day. You want them to use their talents, character, and knowledge to become successful adults. Unfortunately, teens often don’t like being told what to do unless they are the ones asking for help, and this is usually in the midst of a time-sensitive crisis that can overshadow the deeper issues at hand.
Teens tell me all the time that they’re not sure if they want to grow up because they’ve never met an adult who seems happy. At this stage of their lives, they’re wired to gravitate toward pleasure and away from pain. As a result, they’re more likely to listen to adults who are having a great time. Because they’re looking for a future that isn’t primarily focused on problems, they’ll listen to you better if you seem to have mastered this process.
If you’re like most of us, trying to keep up with this ever-demanding world, your teens are more likely to see you as tired and stressed than excited and confident. Feeling stressed isn’t a compelling platform to offer advice they want to follow. Teens today don’t think their parents can understand the new technological world they live in. This has been true for teens in every generation, but today the gap is wider and harder to bridge on either side.
If parents aren’t tech-savvy, they won’t understand their teens’ intense attachment to their laptops and the intensity of connections they provide to their world. Many parents know how to text, but most of what they send is about concerns and instructions. Text them frequently about fun things that interest you, or something they might be interested in, like “I saw this adorable kid on the beach the other day who reminded me a lot of you.”
HealthyReactiveNarcissism.
Teens are inward-focused. They seem to be narcissistic and often don’t realize how their behaviors are affecting the people around them. Most aren’t sick or evil, even when they seem selfish. The swirling earthquake inside is enough to keep them busy.
Most parents do their best to accommodate their teens, and then feel disappointed or cheated when their kids seem to erase everything they’ve been given in light of their new, urgent need. Sometimes it’s best to let them know that you also have needs that are more important than theirs at the moment. You need to tell them without guilt or conflict and get the message across without using sarcasm or the need for punishment.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“Do you want me to drop everything and take you to the mall right now? Don’t you think I have anything else to do but make sure your life is going well? I asked you yesterday what you needed for this project and you ignored me. Why should I just be here like an insignificant person so you can use me whenever you want? You only think about yourself and what’s important to you. Maybe you should think about me, now and then.”
What’s Most Effective:
“This seems important and you forgot to tell me earlier. I do that too sometimes. It’s going to be hard for me to give up what I’m doing now, but I’d feel better about it if you could just sort it out a little bit for me. That way I don’t feel taken advantage of and you can get what you want too. If you could just help me out a little bit, I’ll have a little time in about an hour to help you get what you want.”
Stay Calm
If you can put aside your tech-using teen when you’re stressed, you’re more likely to be effective. Parents who are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, angry, irritable, or rushed tend to preach and expect an immediate solution. You won’t always be able to avoid these feelings when time is short, but if you have a choice, wait until you feel more focused and in control of yourself.
Example
What is unlikely to help you:
“Just get in the car. I have fifty things I need to do in the next few hours and I have a presentation at work tomorrow. I don’t know how I’m going to get everything done and deal with your mistakes at the same time. As long as you keep procrastinating, your life is going nowhere. You could have asked your brother to help you last weekend, but you were too busy with things you wanted to do. You need to plan for these things and not burden others. If you just get this lesson, it will make your life better too. Just listen to me, for once, okay?”
What is more effective:
“I’m stressed right now, and this is not the time to tell you what’s wrong. Can you take control of this situation now I’ll try to help you later when I’m thinking more clearly and less upset. I don’t want to overreact and I know that if I try to solve this problem now, I’ll handle it badly. Start doing your homework as soon as we get home, and I’ll help you get things organized later.”
Hiding the Truth
The next lesson may be difficult, but it is crucial. Don’t exaggerate or hide the truth from your children, unless it is very personal and would not be appropriate to share. Children know when we are making things up to make a point, and they also understand when we are being hypocritical. If you want to teach them anything, stay clear about your goals, your reasons, and your desires.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“You will never get into the college you want if you don’t change your study habits. I know you excel on tests, but you will face a lot more competition and you don’t know how hard it will be. I remember kids in my high school who made bad choices like you. They never got anywhere in life. You are walking on thin ice here, and I am not always going to be here to save you. This is not my life, you know. It is about you. I am not making any decisions for you. This is your deal.”
What might be more effective:
“I understand that you have your way of doing things and I respect that, but I worry that what you’re doing now won’t hold up well when the competition heats up. I know I can’t make you want to do things and I don’t feel comfortable trying to force you to, but I know how much potential you have and I’m afraid you’re wasting it. I know that many kids are late bloomers and maybe you are too, but I worry that you’re taking things for granted and not understanding what you’re up against. I won’t hide my disappointment if you don’t agree, but I want you to know the truth about how I feel.”
Re-educate Yourself
Punishment
Your children are constantly on the internet or learning things from each other. Like some of us, they read anything short, interesting, sexual, or about relationships. They read what their friends tell them whether it is useful to them or not. You need to know what they are reading and how they feel about it.
Don’t try to teach them about situations that they may already know more about than you. Tell them that you are comfortable with potentially embarrassing situations so that they can expect your concern and support. Don’t demand a response promptly. It can take some time for their embarrassment to subside from just mentioning these sensitive topics, and just knowing that you are receptive can make a big difference.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“How many hours a week do you watch porn? Did you know that’s not how normal people behave? I’m afraid you’re neglecting your schoolwork and your grades show it. I’ve read that porn is addictive and can ruin your real relationships. Porn isn’t about love, you know, or real caring. You’d better think about how it’s affecting you.”
What is more effective:
“I realize that most boys your age watch porn a lot, but you seem to be losing sleep and not doing well in school since you started. I respect your privacy, but I also know that porn is just the physical part of sex. Please make sure it doesn’t negatively affect how you treat your partners. You read a lot about things that you care about, and I just hope you get a good idea of the bigger picture. You know, the way you’re going to be with someone you love one day.”
KeepingYourKidsConnected
You may have noticed that tech-savvy teens don’t answer their phones anymore, but they usually respond to text messages relatively quickly (if they don’t expect a negative reaction). They can come up with pretty straightforward stories when they don’t want to call, like “I lost my phone,” “My friend had my phone,” or “My battery ran out.” On the other hand, it’s amazing how easily they can reach you when they need to. Suddenly, everything works fine. Agree with your kids so they know when they need to respond right away, or if they can postpone it if they’re busy with something important.
Example
What’s unlikely to help:
“You’re so busy with what you want to do that you don’t bother texting me back because you don’t have anything better to do. Well, what do you expect? If I call, it’s important and you should make it that way for you too. When you don’t, I worry that you’re in trouble, or that you’re just being selfish. I know you don’t keep your friends waiting, so treat me with the same respect. I’m paying for this phone, and I can take it from you whenever I want. You should see it as a privilege, not a right. You’re taking advantage of my generosity and I don’t like that.”
What’s more effective:
“I know you don’t want your friends to think I’m tying you down or anything, but when I text you to call you right away and you don’t, I get really worried. Can we come up with a text that says I need to talk to you right away? I’ll do the same. I also don’t mind if you tell me in advance when you have plans that are hard to interrupt, and I’ll be happy to make exceptions. But I need a special code for urgent situations.”
Learning More About Your Teen’s World
Today’s tech-savvy teens can communicate with each other through codes. Some of these abbreviations are commonly used, but others are created privately among friends. You should go online and explore many sites that will at least expose you to typical abbreviations. There are many drugs (including newly designed drugs), an abundance of information on the Internet, and technological tools that didn’t exist before. It’s never been more important for parents to be aware of what’s out there and what their teen is exposed to every day.
There are many things your teen won’t share with you, and probably shouldn’t. Your best chance is always to have a great relationship of mutual respect. Kids who don’t expect judgmental or biased reactions are more likely to share what they’re feeling and doing.
Drugs
No kid takes recreational drugs because of negative side effects. You should know what they’re taking, why they’re drawn to them, and what they’re trying to feel or avoid. Learn the names of all street drugs as well as their interactions with other drugs and medications. Go online and read about designer drugs, the new class of mind-altering substances that can cause terrible harm but are undetectable in drug tests. Your teen will not respect you if you use incorrect terms or exaggerate statistics that they know are not true. If they suspect you are exaggerating for effect, they will dismiss you.
Many of the drugs that teens regularly use are extremely harmful over time, especially in large quantities or mixed with others. These levels of intoxication ensure that the user’s memory is altered and certain behaviors are forgotten. This means that after a drug and/or alcohol binge, teens will not be able to reconstruct what they did or why. Teens should have at least one adult they can safely talk to without fear of judgment or repercussions. They desperately need factual, unbiased information about how to change their self-destructive decisions.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“You’ve been acting weird lately. Tell me what’s going on in your life. Are you on drugs? I know most of your friends drink. If you don’t tell me what you’re doing, or let me read your text messages, I’ll find out another way, so it might come from you. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on. If you exclude me, you’ll get in more trouble. If you end up getting in trouble, don’t accuse me of not asking.”
What is most effective:
“Honey, I’ve read a lot on the internet. I know the latest statistics on drugs and alcohol and how kids are when they use them. I know that at least one of your close friends uses drugs and has started cutting them out too. When she was very drunk, she told one of my friends that she might be pregnant.
I have read about all the new drugs and I am very concerned about you because you are experiencing symptoms from many of them. I also know that you and your new girlfriend seem very close. If you need some help, I am here for you. I have taken a drug and alcohol course, so I think I understand what you are going through. I am not here to hurt you or punish you. Whatever it is, please let me in so we can do this together.”
Discipline
Most children feel like they can make their own decisions without your help. At the same time, they depend on us to help them make their lives work. This combination of rebellion and dependence can make them arrogant and less likely to get what they want. They can be needy and fearful one moment, and independent the next. They make rash decisions that can have dire consequences they cannot foresee.
Most parents hate being the gatekeepers their role requires. They would rather their children act responsibly and keep themselves in check so they don’t have to constantly keep watch, control, and guide them.
Most children want more freedom than they can handle while believing they can handle themselves without outside guidance. They are bound to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Parents desperately want those mistakes to not be life-threatening or permanently harmful. They want their children to get through the teenage years educated and uninjured. Harmfully.
Teens who use technology have far more opportunities to connect with people who can influence them than their parents. They have more options than they did before, options that are both fun and dangerous. They can protect their privacy and keep their secrets, and they can easily distract most parents from their awareness or knowledge.
Today’s kids have countless ways to use technology to protect their privacy and keep their secrets, but they are often completely unaware of how anything they post on any website could be vulnerable to being hacked by the rest of the world, often forever. While they can fix or avoid being monitored, create multiple Facebook accounts, delete suspicious messages, and cover up drug tests, they cannot keep beneficiaries from looking into the most intimate details of their lives.
Many parents do not yet realize the power of texting. It is so powerful that teens can fill an unsupervised house in minutes. I have seen two hundred kids at an impromptu party in thirty minutes. They often bring their drugs and alcohol and are unaware that people are calling their names who will quickly seek them out and steal from them.
With so many opportunities available to them through their technological knowledge, it has become difficult to track and control today’s teens. Consequences only work if teens understand and agree to the agenda. We have given our children the right to speak out and have freedoms they never had before, but we do not have a sufficient understanding of the consequences. They can get support from their friends, but this is not always in the direction that will help them, and many friends walk away when they are needed most.
CreateConsequences with Your Teen
Most children, even young ones, can tell you a lot about what they need from you to behave as expected. Some teens need strict supervision with immediate and decisive consequences. Others can be given more freedom. But everyone can participate in the process of helping their parents be more effective in raising them.
Example
What is unlikely to help you:
“You should do your homework before you start playing computer games. Once you start, you won’t stop. You’re addicted to this damn stuff. I’ve read that it can ruin your mind if you keep playing it. If you can’t control yourself, I’ll have to do it for you, even if it means taking away some privileges. You won’t become one of those computer geeks who can’t communicate with people. I just don’t understand why you spend all your time on the Internet when you could be doing something useful.”
What’s Most Effective:
“I know how much you love these games. You seem to be in a different frame of mind and very focused on what you’re doing. I just worry about how disconnected you are from everything else in your life, including us. I think some of the skills you’ve learned are important. The problem is that your homework is suffering and I can see your grades slipping. I know you’ll eventually get a handle on this phase of your life, but I want you to realize how it’s taking you away from other things we care about together. Let’s talk about what we can do to allow you to have fun without regrets later.”
Make “Punishment Fit the Crime”
Always use consequences that you’ve agreed upon, and that fit the gravity of the situation. When you’re firm about consequences, express empathy for the distress your teen will be feeling. You don’t have to get angry to keep them on track.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“You screwed up. You stayed on that stupid computer after you promised to clean the garage before I got home. I’m sick of it. You lost your phone and computer privileges and you won’t be going to the game with me tonight. You’re banned from work for the rest of the weekend. Maybe you’ll see that I’m serious about my job.”
What is more effective:
“I reminded you twice yesterday and once this morning about our agreement. You can clean the garage by the time we need to leave for the game and we can have a great night. If you stay on your computer all day and don’t have time to keep your promise, I’ll have to break my promise and go to the game without you. I’ll miss you, and I hope you remember that next time.”
Parole
Use parole when the agreement is broken. This means giving your teen the immediate ability to start dealing with the consequences according to what you agreed to in advance. When teens are faced with irrefutable consequences, even if they agree to them in advance, they are more likely to rebel or back away from you because they are angry. Allowing them to start doing good things right away shortens the time for consequences and gets them on the right track faster. Dealing with the loss removes their guilt and shame while gaining your approval.
Example
What is unlikely to help:
“You can’t use your phone or iPad all weekend, so you might as well start thinking of something you’re going to do instead. No TV either. Maybe read a book for a change. And I don’t want any looks of disgust or rude comments. You knew what you were doing, so accept your punishment like an adult.”
What’s Most Effective:
“You didn’t make a curfew or call. We agreed on the consequences if it happened again. I hate to be the one who has to lay down the law, but that was our agreement. You can take the consequences of what happened, or you can work on it and get your privileges back sooner. Let’s take a look at the list we made together. What I want is for you to learn your lesson, but you don’t have to waste your time being angry and upset when you have the power to change it. I love you.”
Do Rules or Relationships Come First?
Rules always work best in close, mutually respectful relationships. In these types of relationships, teens are more likely to respect the rules that are set for them. Withholding love for the sake of punishment never works and often backfires. Combining fair rules with abundant love is the best balance.
Example
What is unlikely to help you:
“You know the rules and I don’t care about your feelings right now. You don’t care about me and I don’t care about you very much right now either. So do what I said and don’t complain. I don’t want to see your face or hear you complain until you do what I said. The rules are the rules and you know what I expected. Remember, love isn’t free. You have to earn it.”
What is more effective:
“Yes, I’m disappointed in what I did. You knew what I expected and you agreed. Maybe I shouldn’t have rewarded you before you fulfilled your end of the bargain. Maybe that was my fault and maybe we should try another way. Now you’re going to have to miss the party tonight. I feel sorry for you because you can’t go, but that was the deal. I want you to do the things you love, but you have to do what you promise or face the consequences. I hope you remember that so you don’t have to endure this again.”
Pick the time to fight
Don’t set consequences to get over when you’re angry. When kids are drunk, on drugs, tired, sick, or in real trouble, they often can’t hear you anyway and are more likely to rebel. It’s always best to tell your teen that you’re upset, but wait until you’ve both calmed down before deciding how to deal with the problem. You’ll be more fair and honest if you don’t blow up. Consequences will be easier for your teen to accept, especially if they’re agreed upon in advance. Timing is everything.
Example
What Probably Won’t Help:
“I’m mad at you right now. You know how much I had to do today and you’re still making me wait for an hour. Maybe I should just make you wait when you want to go somewhere. Then you can see how you feel. You’re not listening. Just get in the car and shut up. You’re not going anywhere today, and forget about the party tonight. I’m sick of you.”
What’s Most Effective:
“I’m mad right now and I’m probably overreacting. I’ve had a tough day and so have you. We need to set some consequences that will help you learn not to do that again but now’s not the time. Just go get something to eat and start doing your homework. We’ll figure that out later when we’re in a better mood.”
Adding Unfair Consequences
Whenever possible, avoid adding additional consequences that you and your teen haven’t agreed on before. It’s very common for most parents to set these “political consequences” when they have their child’s attention. Stick to the issue at hand and only do so by prior agreement whenever possible. There will be times when your teen does something that neither of you has talked about before. You should talk together about what’s fair in the new circumstances and use this time to make new agreements if necessary.
Example
What Probably Won’t Help:
“You broke the rules, acted like an idiot, and didn’t do what you were supposed to do. I know we agreed that you could get out of this if you finished your project early, but now I think that’s not enough punishment, so I’m going to confiscate your phone for two days. You can do the dishes for a week, too. And empty the dishwasher. Maybe think better of it next time.”
What’s More Effective:
“You’ve put this off until the last minute again and we’re stressed. I know most kids your age don’t want to think about things they don’t want to do, but we agreed that you’ll give up TV time for a week if you make this choice. That’s your only consequence. When you’re done, you can get your privileges back. If you want some ideas on what you can do with that time, I’m here to talk.”
Appropriate Humor
Whenever possible, use humor and maintain perspective. Don’t overreact. If a teen comes home drunk, for example, don’t attack him or the situation at the time. Tell him that you’re worried and upset, but defuse those initial moments and maintain control. If he knows you’re strong and assertive, he won’t think everything is okay because you’re not reacting in the moment. You can still be compassionate even when you’re angry. Telling your child that you’re sorry he made decisions that will cost him a lot doesn’t mean he’ll back out of his agreements or the consequences.
Example
What is unlikely to help you:
“Are you drunk? You’re acting weird and walking weird. I knew I shouldn’t have let you go to that girl’s house tonight. She’s no good. Did you have sex? Don’t you think before you do something stupid like that? I know you can’t even stand up but you’ll listen to me as long as I need to talk to you.”
What’s Most Effective:
“Your eyes are red and you’re swaying. I can smell the weed and the alcohol. I’m glad you didn’t drive yourself home. Before you inhale this device, what blood alcohol level do you think you’ll register, so you can gauge how you’ll feel when you’ve had that much to drink? I’ll get you something to eat and help you get to bed, and then we’ll talk in the morning. When you wake up, be prepared to tell me anything I might hear later from someone else. I’m sad that you broke your promise to us, and I need to know what prompted you to do this and how much trouble you’re in. After we get all the facts together, we can talk about the consequences.”
Privacy and Confidentiality
Masturbation is private. Using illicit drugs with friends in the bedroom is private. Privacy doesn’t hurt anyone. Secrecy can hide potential disasters. You and your teen should agree on which is which and review it regularly. This is a time that changes quickly for teens, and disagreements can happen quickly. Your teen should know up front that breaking a confidentiality agreement gives you full permission to do whatever you think is necessary to resolve the situation.
Children often won’t agree that their secrets are, or could be, harmful to them or others. You should discuss with them your understanding of what potentially dangerous secrets might be, and listen to their opinions. You should also empower your teen to talk to you about concerns they may have about friends who are in trouble. They need to know upfront what the consequences of what they tell you might be.
Example
What’s unlikely to help:
“What are you doing in there? Oh my god, open that door. It’s 2 a.m. You’re probably watching porn or playing video games. You know the rules on a school night and you’re defying me. If you keep doing this, I’m going to take your damn laptop and lock it somewhere. Maybe you just need to be treated like a kid. You sure are acting like one.”
What’s Most Effective:
“Honey, it’s 2 a.m. and you have a math test in zero period. I know you’re curious and it’s hard to watch these things when there are people around and they might accidentally walk into your room at the wrong time. Your body is yours and you need your privacy but I want you to get enough sleep. Please turn off the computer and go to sleep. I can tell you how to manage your life, but I’d rather we work this out together. We’ve agreed that school comes first and your late-night choices come second. I know this can be an awkward issue between us, but it’s my job to protect you, even if it’s from yourself sometimes.”
Check Your Skills
If you learn about today’s technology and “smartphones,” you’ll be better positioned to handle the new challenges of raising teens. It can sometimes seem overwhelming but you need to learn how to handle it to have better relationships with the young people in your life.
Here’s a simple questionnaire to help you remember. You can repeat this over and over to remind yourself of your promises to your children and yourself. Answer each question with the number that corresponds to the following:
Most of the time = 5
Often = 4
Sometimes = 3
Sometimes = 2
Not usually = 1
- When you are with your teen, are you the person he or she wants to be? _
- When appropriate, can you use comfort and compassion when disciplining your child? _
- When you feel your child is expecting too much, are you willing to renegotiate? _
- Have you mastered the art of selective silence? _
- Do you avoid trap questions? _
- Can you resist offering unsolicited advice? _
- Can you listen before you make judgments? _
- Does your child have a say in how they are raised? _
- Do you remember that rules work best when the underlying relationship is strong? _
- Have you learned enough about technology to communicate effectively? _
- Are you aware of what your child is learning, and what the resources are? _
- Can you stay calm and not overreact amid a crisis? _
- Do you keep your corrections short and to the point? _
- Do you try not to take things personally? _
- Can you postpone important discussions with your teen if Were either of you nervous? _
- Can you teach without being preachy or hypocritical? _
- If you text, do some avoid instructions, requests, or corrections? _
- Can you bring up difficult topics with confidence and authority? _
- Do you know the difference between privacy and confidentiality? _
- Do you live by the same commitments you want them to? _
Tally up your grades. Although you aim for the highest grades, the total isn’t as important as what it tells you about how you’re effectively parenting your kids in this new technological world. You can learn how to be stronger and more successful in any of these areas.
Given the pressures of normal life, you may find it difficult to keep your daily frustrations from affecting your kids. Your tech-savvy teens face their daily challenges. If you can communicate in their language, you can bridge many of the gaps that keep you out.
The good news is that today’s teens respect your willingness to learn new technology. They’re proud of it and often want to teach you about it. They may pretend that their 400 Facebook friends are real friends, but they know better. They may struggle with the emptiness of superficial relationships, but they want true love as much as any generation before them. They may use more secretive methods to achieve their goals, but they value the parents who came before them. Tech-savvy teens desperately want mentors they can follow. It’s our responsibility to be willing to meet them where they are. Without that connection, we lose the ability to teach them what we know about succeeding in the world they’ll inherit.
