Key Points
The ability to associate a name with a face is a key memory skill needed to build good relationships.
New research has shown that people high in narcissism are so self-absorbed that they fail simple memory tests.
If a narcissist forgets your name, don’t feel bad, because they can’t process most new information.
When you first meet someone, you may struggle to register the connection between their name and face, especially if you think you’ll see them again.
Most people try to devise a trick to help nail the name-face match so they don’t fail in a future encounter. “Joey” might have a cute smile, or “Bill” might have a bigger nose. In a 1995 piece of advice, a Los Angeles Times article suggested these strategies: “When meeting people, divert your attention away from everything else and focus on any prominent facial features, and use them to connect with the name.”
Not everyone is willing or able to make this effort. You may have a newly acquired relative who you’ve noticed calling you by the wrong name of someone they should know. You’ve probably been the target of this somewhat cruel social forgetfulness. It’s annoying when a colleague, acquaintance, neighbor, or relative constantly asks you to repeat your name. They may say, “I’m so sorry,” or “I’m just bad at remembering names.” “Sorry?” you ask yourself. “If you’re so sorry, why don’t you try harder?” You may feel a little annoyed that you belong to the category of unimportant people that this person doesn’t bother trying to get to know better. According to Miranda Giacomin and colleagues from MacEwan University (2021), people who say they’re poor at remembering names and faces will have a harder time “navigating social interactions and fostering successful interpersonal relationships.” After all, they note, “everyone’s face is unique and reflects their life experiences.” When no one remembers you, you feel like there’s nothing really special about you.
As Giacomin et al. have suggested, the problem isn’t that you lack some special trait, but that the person who forgets your name is the one you should be worried about. They have hypothesized that this person is likely to have a high level of narcissistic traits. And if, as the Los Angeles Times article suggests, you need to “shift your attention away from everything else” to remember a name, that means shifting your attention away from yourself.
Narcissists’ Weaker Memory
In a summary of the literature, Giacomin et al. note that the grandiosity that characterizes narcissists affects what they remember, as they “selectively pay attention to positive, self-relevant, ego-affirming information… Their lack of interest in others tends to make them worse at processing information about others.”
While one might argue that narcissists might view facial memory expertise as a means of social advancement, if they suffer from this attention deficit, this desire will paradoxically be hampered by their excessive self-focus.
Giacomin and her fellow researchers began their investigation with a series of online experiments. They tested recognition memory not only for faces but also for nonsocial stimuli, including a range of objects such as phones and houses.
In one experiment, the authors added cars as stimuli to see if narcissists might pay more attention to symbols of material success, which are known to generally appeal to people high in grandiosity. However, people high in narcissism showed consistent problems with recognition memory across the board. These findings suggested that there is nothing particularly special about poor facial memory in people high in narcissism because they may struggle to process new information in the first place.
What do narcissists remember?
If they can’t succeed at a simple memory task, whether or not it involves a face, the authors wondered whether they could tap into the attentional processes that cause narcissists to ignore stimuli around them. To address this question, Giacomin et al. devised an interesting experiment that allowed participants to look at themselves on a webcam while processing cognitive information presented by another person on the screen. The authors concluded that “strong self-focus, including attention to one’s appearance, is a hallmark of narcissism.”
In their fourth and final study, the authors created a personal experiment in which participants watched an online lecture while also being able to see their faces on the screen (like a Zoom call). The research team tested memory for the lecture content and monitored participants’ eye movements as they stared at the screen.
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You can probably relate to this setup based on your own experience with video calls when your face is staring back at you. You can either think about it or pay attention to what others are doing and saying. You may have also noticed that some of the participants on these calls seemed to be constantly fixing their hair or trying to tidy up their appearance, which makes you wonder how much they were listening to what others were saying.
The 187 college students in this experiment (63 percent women, average age 20) thought they were being asked to provide data on the use of technology in education, so they had no idea what the study was actually about. Consistent with the prediction, people with higher narcissism had poorer memory for the lecture material. However, this effect was accounted for by factoring into the equation a statistical factor for the length of time participants spent studying their faces.
This latest finding provides an important clue to why narcissists can’t remember anything about others. They simply spend all their cognitive resources on caring about and thinking about themselves, which drains their ability to “miss out and then fail to remember events that are happening around them.”
In addition to their cognitive deficits, researchers have confirmed that a lack of empathy severely impairs narcissists’ social and emotional functioning. These individuals may not like it when someone else can’t remember their name, but they are unable to put themselves in the shoes of those who have treated them in such a seemingly dismissive manner.
How to Respond When a Narcissist Seems to Forget Who You Are
Giacomin et al.’s study provides a clear picture of what happens when a narcissist, perhaps someone you know, seems to have trouble remembering you from one occasion to the next. They can’t pay much attention to you “because they see the world through a self-centered lens.” Instead of feeling personally attacked, you can take solace in the fact that it’s not really “personal.”
People high in narcissism, may force themselves to learn other people’s names or remember events that are important to others but not important to them in some circumstances. They may make a valiant effort if they think it will help them move forward. However, suppose they’re also thinking about whether they’re achieving their intended goals. In this case, this self-focus will continue to hold them back, leading them to defeat themselves at their own game. Finally, you may be someone who has a hard time associating names with faces for reasons unrelated to narcissism. Names may just fly out of your head the moment you meet new people because you’re anxious or worried about the impression you’re making on others. In this regard, Giacomin’s study reinforces the well-known principle in cognitive psychology that to remember something, you have to pay attention to it in the first place.
