There is a saying that some artists, musicians, and skilled craftsmen are “born, not made.” In some ways, our DNA imprints much of our future personality and talents on our human form, but some of the paths we follow are made by us, not born.
Narcissism is one of those traits that seems to be programmed into a person’s behavioral repertoire after birth, not before. It is one of those byproducts of preverbal interactions that, according to current thinking, can shape our adult lives.
Do you crave connection and control—from womb to room, from cradle to grave?
Narcissism is based on two beliefs attributed to infants—omnipotence and limitlessness. Before birth, we spend the better part of a year swimming alone in an environment designed to meet our every need. This tank of isolation provides everything a developing person needs, and then we are pushed out of this safe space into a world very different from what we have known before. Not only is the newborn’s equilibrium shaken like a snowball, but so are the equilibrium of his or her caregivers. At no other time in life can a person’s strengths or shortcomings have as much impact as when they assume the role of primary caregiver to a child who relies solely on them for their existence.
How do you know if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist?
The most common description of a narcissist addresses the person’s selfish, self-interested nature, obsessive concern with appearance, and positive self-esteem. We’re talking about people who have never met a mirror they don’t like, who brag or embellish their own successes, and who belittle or show disinterest in the accomplishments of others. If you find yourself with someone who seems unable to receive adequate praise or who incorporates you into their own identity, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist.
The positive side of a relationship with a narcissist is when they incorporate your identity into one and see you as a powerful and enjoyable extension of themselves. In the early stages of a relationship, this merging of selves can be intoxicating and satisfying. However, it doesn’t last long once you begin to assert your independence and individual identity along with your likes, dislikes, preferences, etc. However, letting go is not as easy for the narcissist as one might like; when one’s deepest fears are rooted in limitation and helplessness, letting go of a failed relationship brings the narcissist face to face with these most combustible and inflaming fears.
How Do You Know You Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
It’s a frustrating fact that many of us with personality disorders don’t even realize we have a problem—we always blame the other person for our failed relationships. The same goes for narcissists. Their cycle of failed relationships is used as proof of their own superiority and their partners’ inferiority. The Mayo Clinic notes that the only reason narcissists go to a therapist’s office for help is when their feelings of loneliness and disconnection have turned into depression severe enough to warrant seeking clinical help.
Sometimes, the most significant sign that you may be a narcissist comes in the form of a series of accusations from romantic partners and others. Hearing the words, “You’re such a narcissist!” usually leads us to immediate denial and apathy. And that’s perfectly normal—narcissists are adept at dismissing any form of criticism of themselves. “You always expect me to do what you want, but you never do what I like to do,” is another criticism you’ve probably heard from people in your life if you have narcissistic tendencies. “I don’t want to wear this, I prefer this,” is something you’ve probably heard as you try to assert your will for your partner to reflect your assimilated identity and look the way you find most satisfying. “Why can’t you be happy for me when my life is going well?” is a complaint you’ve heard. Narcissists have such fragile egos that they feel threatened when others, even friends and partners, experience success.
When you find yourself tying your self-worth and self-esteem to the experiences and emotions of others, it’s a sign that your ego system is out of balance. A narcissist’s self-awareness rarely registers that something is wrong, but if you keep hearing the same complaints or perceiving the same unpleasant relationship patterns, perhaps a visit to a counselor can shed some light on the role you play in relationships and offer some suggestions for building a relationship based on healthy emotional connection.
Being in a relationship with narcissism isn’t easy; before you can find treatment, there has to be an acknowledgement of the problem.
Trusted caregivers make a difference—but often the barn door is already closed.
Infants are assumed to believe that they and their caregivers are one entity; they do not recognize the separation between them and the caregivers for some time. The baby cries and their needs are met. Over time, infants learn that an immediate response may not come, but caregivers will care for them before long. This cycle creates a bond of trust and recognition of the separation between self and other. This is healthy and necessary for the development of a healthy ego and the ability to engage in mutually satisfying adult relationships.
We learn that omnipotence is impossible and that we face personal limits in our abilities and relationships. We can accept that we need others to meet our needs and that our behavior must conform to the circumstances in order to meet our needs. It is about balancing detachment, interdependence, and mutual support. It may seem simple, but narcissists have erected almost impenetrable walls that protect them from learning these truths. It is true that suddenly taking on the responsibility of another person’s survival can be overwhelming for even the most emotionally stable person. However, some people are unable to meet the challenge because of their emotional developmental limitations. Thus, when an infant is unable to develop trust and accept that a caregiver will meet their needs, unpleasant consequences can ensue. Without learning about the limits of power and control in a healthy early relationship, the desire to control others and demand that another person’s personal boundaries be dissolved limits their efforts to develop successful relationships in adulthood.
