In recent years, there has been a tremendous amount of interest in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For many people, being able to give a label to someone they have been abused by has been an empowering and liberating experience. But along with the increased awareness of narcissism has come a tendency to demonize narcissists.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental illness, and even for those people who do not have a diagnosis or who may only exhibit some narcissistic traits, their ways of thinking and behaving are likely rooted in traumatic experiences. Narcissists have often suffered from parental neglect or abuse, or other traumatic childhood experiences, in much the same way that someone with a different personality disorder might.
As a liberal who is sympathetic to anyone who has a personality disorder—or exhibits other personality traits that limit their experience and enjoyment of life—shouldn’t we give narcissists the benefit of the doubt, rather than judge and criticize them?
On a theoretical level, my answer is a resounding “yes.” Personally, I can empathize with someone who has become a narcissist because they have experienced pain in their life. I can empathize with someone who has a high need for attention and feels the need to be constantly “available” because they lacked that attention from their parents—or who was made to feel bad about being poorer than others in society, or less attractive than their siblings, etc.
I understand that some people may have had narcissistic wounds early in life that they constantly try to compensate for—either by belittling others, using bullying tactics, or constantly projecting their own insecurities onto those close to them. If a client comes to me seeking help with their narcissistic traits, I will certainly start from this place of empathy.
The problem with this approach, and one that many people encounter when dealing with narcissists, is that narcissists probably don’t think they have a problem in the first place. If you can see that a narcissistic relative, partner, or friend is acting the way they are because they are in pain, and if you try to point it out to them, they may perceive your concern and empathy as criticism and judgment. Because they have spent their lives trying to cover up their narcissistic wound, if you do anything to encourage them to peel back the layers, they may feel so uncomfortable that they will see you as the enemy. And because many narcissists lack empathy, when you show narcissistic empathy, they may perceive it as a sign of weakness.
Narcissists often see empaths as people to be exploited and manipulated—at first, they attract empaths by making them feel needed and appreciated. You may think you’re being understanding and supportive, when in fact you’re being drawn into the narcissist’s world. For example, you might take on the role of “helping” a vulnerable narcissist by calling in their family members to resolve a conflict in which the vulnerable narcissist has told you they’ve been bullied by their siblings. You may be coming from a place of empathy and kindness—but you quickly find yourself being used as a pawn in the narcissist’s drama.
When we think of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a mental illness—or when we’re dealing with someone who simply has strong narcissistic traits—we need to remember that the defining characteristic of this condition is that narcissists need other people to meet their needs. They need a supply of people (sometimes called “narcissistic supply”) to bully them, to make them feel good about themselves, and to support them while they emotionally abuse others.
This is what makes giving narcissists the benefit of the doubt problematic, no matter how liberal you are. It can be amazing how quickly you can be drawn into their narcissistic bubble, simply because you felt sorry for someone who seemed to be struggling and were excited to be there for them.
As a class of people, it may be possible to maintain empathy for narcissists by recognizing the hurt in their lives and the boundaries they continue to impose on themselves. Like everyone else, if a narcissist has reached a point in life where they are open to exploring the impact they are having in creating problems for themselves and others, they deserve compassion and support in making positive changes.
But if you are in a relationship with a narcissist who has not reached the point where they can admit that they have problems of their own making, you probably need to be constantly aware of protecting your own boundaries and ensuring that you are not being drawn into their narcissistic supply. Should you give them the benefit of the doubt? Certainly not unconditionally, I would argue, as there is often a deeper motivation that you may not be aware of. However, maintaining empathy is possible—as long as it goes hand in hand with a realistic perspective of the many ways narcissists use and manipulate others.
