Key Points
For the Non-Narcissistic Parent: With your guidance, let your child know how to deal with a narcissistic parent.
You might try writing a letter or email explaining your feelings and how your partner’s behavior has affected you and your child.
You might want to consider parallel parenting, where the parents don’t communicate but stick to a set of agreed-upon terms for the child.
What separates healthy self-esteem from narcissism? It’s simple. Narcissists typically have a very undeveloped sense of self-worth. Their schemas about themselves and the world are fragile, black and white. Their self-esteem is unable to handle a lot of adversity or criticism without being criticized. These people need constant praise and attention to maintain their egos. In some cases, this can lead to depression or substance abuse.
Self-esteem is built from early childhood and comes from something called cognitive schemas. These are bundles of information stored in the neural networks in your brain that have been built up over long periods. As a child and observing the world around you, you are constantly collecting data points to put into your schemas. When good things happen and you receive praise, you put them into buckets (schemas) in your mind.
Related : 10 Tips for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
When negative things happen and you don’t receive praise, these things create self-defeating schemas. Narcissism arises when parents express love inconsistently, not because parents praise the child excessively. They may praise the wrong qualities, such as beauty, money, or winning. They withhold love and praise for things like caring for others, kindness, or individuality.
As a result, narcissists need constant praise and admiration; they need to be the center of attention. As parents, narcissists view their children as extensions of their ego and expect praise for their children’s accomplishments. They also become upset and angry if the child deviates from societal norms. For example, parents may feel angry if their child wants to be an artist, despite the parents’ preference for a business career. Narcissistic parents may also feel disappointed if their child is not heterosexual. This is because this type of parent has internalized a lot of shame, which can cause them to lash out at their child if the child does not go the way the parent had hoped. This can lead to two main types of reactions in their child: either it causes anxiety within the child, or it can make them feel isolated and hopel
Either way, this makes it difficult for your child to live an authentic life. As the non-narcissistic parent in this dynamic, it can be extremely difficult to live this experience. The best thing you can do is allow your child to figure out how to deal with the narcissistic parent on their own, with your guidance. Continue to be a positive and stable role model for your child. Children learn to see the world through the eyes of their caregivers, and you have an equal opportunity to make a positive impression on your child as a narcissistic parent. Be careful not to point out the other parent’s flaws. Eventually, your child will see the other parent’s limitations.
Help them navigate the murky waters of building a relationship with the other parent. Suggest that they find a therapist to air their frustrations and find solutions with a neutral party. At the end of the day, your child and the other parent have to figure it out for themselves. However, if you do your best to be a good role model, parent, and mentor, you can help your child develop healthy, intimate bonds. You can also alleviate some of the shyness and preserve their self-image and sense of individuality.
If you think you might be a parent to a narcissistic child, it’s possible to make a co-parenting dynamic work. You might want to write a letter or email explaining your feelings and how their behavior has affected you and your child. Give the other person a chance to process before approaching. This can serve as an opportunity to start a conversation about your boundaries in the future.
I talk a lot about the importance of positive reinforcement for a child’s development, but this tactic can be crucial to building a better relationship with a narcissist. They need approval for their behavior, so when they do something good, be sure to praise them for it. Supernanny Mary Poppins once said, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
If you’re at a crossroads with a narcissistic parent, you might want to consider co-parenting, where the parents don’t communicate with each other, but stick to a set of agreed-upon terms for your child. You can swap the child in neutral areas to avoid contact with other children or foster parents. This works best in high-conflict situations where any involvement could lead to fighting and tension that could negatively impact the child. This is also helpful in cases of a narcissistic parent who frequently engages in aggressive or hostile behaviors, especially when their constant need for admiration is not being met by the situation they are in. Sometimes, this is the best course of action to avoid putting children in the middle of an argument until things cool down and emotions subside.
