Dear Narcissist and Manipulator,
I am the woman who will come after you. Make no mistake. I am not the runner-up or the consolation prize. I am in a league of my own—not the backup batter or the relief pitcher. I do not hold your place in line. I may not have caused you to go down this destructive path, but I am the woman who will have to help clean up the mess. You probably left a good person; after all, why did he stay so long and try so hard to make your “relationship” work?
Look, I get it. Ending a relationship is never easy. Whether you’ve been with someone for six months or sixteen years, ending a relationship is painful and upsetting. I’ve been in many relationships and suffered heartbreak. Although narcissists like you can’t feel true love, you may feel hurt and confused.
This is not the sadness you feel over the loss of a good person. What you feel is anger over such a terrible inconvenience. Your cheerleader, your bag carrier, your coat-bearer, your scapegoat, your punching bag, your house cleaner, your babysitter, your nanny, your chef, your bill-payer, your bank account, your ego-booster, your valet parking, or any other service provider is gone. You’re not losing your best friend, your partner, or your lover: you’re losing a source of service. Don’t confuse your claim to justice with feelings of love for someone else.
The man you abused? He served a purpose for you.
Yes, I’m using the word “abused.” Society tends to forget that men can be abused just as easily and often as women. Women can be abusers, and men can be victims. You may have claimed to love this man, but you were just taking advantage of him.
Maybe you should have ticked all the boxes on society’s to-do list: girlfriend, fiancée, wife, mother, but that probably didn’t satisfy you. So, you’ve taken out your self-loathing and self-esteem through name-calling and projection.
Narcissists and manipulators are just schoolyard bullies. They feel bad about themselves, so they attack others. But unlike immature children, adult bullies hide their cruelty behind a shiny veneer that others fall for. The narcissist’s inhumanity is covered up with talent and lies. Who would believe that this sweet, smiling, loving mother would also be the one to yell at her husband (behind closed doors, of course) that he’s a terrible father and a poor excuse for a human being?
I am the woman who will come after you. I will be the one dealing with the legal ramifications, the custody disputes, the financial struggles. I will be the one watching helplessly as your constant attacks tear down this man who has struggled to build his life from scratch. I will be the one who will try every day to convince him that there is truly love and goodness in this world, that I don’t want anything from him, and that I will not pull the rug out from under him.
Your goal was to destroy; my goal is to grow and heal. Unfortunately, the path to healing runs parallel to and often intersects with trauma. It will take time, but fortunately, my stubbornness is tempered by understanding.
I know that I will also have to deal with your manipulation. You probably have my phone number and email address saved in your inbox, and my social media profile is ready to be hounded every day. Once your attacks have drained my manhood, you will turn your poison on me; I expect it. You will take messages out of context; you will try to seduce him; you will use the children as weapons or pawns to turn me into the villain of the story. Eventually, people will see that the real villain is you.
You’re probably an excellent actress. You can easily switch between devil and angel, good cop and bad cop, Jekyll and Hyde. Your masks are interchangeable and you’re very quick to fool others, including your ex. This confuses your ex, and you take advantage of it. Making empty promises to “work together for the sake of the kids” or claiming that you’ll change for the better (with your fingers crossed behind your back) reminds him of the woman he fell in love with. All this does is make him vulnerable to feeding into the relentless cycle of destruction.
You don’t love him; you love the joy that comes from his pain and how you benefit from it. Unfortunately, you may have fooled everyone too. People may think he’s the one who betrayed you, that he’s the one who yelled at you, that he’s the one who made your life a living hell. Crocodile tears are useful when creating a story about a long-suffering, wronged wife; who would believe that you’re the one dishing out insults and self-loathing on him?
I’m the woman you can’t be, so I know you’ll try to break me too. So please, save us some time and find a new resource that will fill all those needy places your ex once occupied.
Cash in on your chips. Consider it a loss. Walk away from the table when your hand appears to be down. Then go ahead and spin a sad story that makes you the damsel in distress, not the bitter queen; you’ll find someone else who will believe you and fall under your spell.
I’m the woman who will come after you. I’m the woman who will make the man you broke forget about you. I am the woman who will entertain a man when he wakes up to be the person he was always meant to be, and you tried to destroy him. One day, you will be gone from his memory. I may not be with him forever, or I may be his great love; either way, I was the one who took off your mask.
