Narcissists are often envious, arrogant, lacking in empathy, manipulative, entitled, and desperate for attention and admiration, and they can make our lives difficult and challenging. They are also confusing.
When I sit with a narcissistic patient, I must prepare myself to listen beyond the words or narratives they offer to a secret world of fleeting changes in subject matter, sudden subtle flashes of emotion, and sudden but unexpressed shifts in the way my patient relates to me. These shifts and deviations, which indicate underlying pain, generally occur in the context of grandiose self-narratives, along with complaints about other people, including myself. Based on clinical experience in treating narcissistic patients, here are some guidelines and tips to help you understand the strange mental world of the narcissist.
To understand the narcissistic mind, we must recognize the logic of shame avoidance. The focus of shame (as opposed to guilt, in which we regret an action that harmed another person in fantasy or reality) is on a degraded sense of self as a whole. When we feel shame, we feel inadequate, small, bad, or deficient in the eyes of another who diminishes our internal value.
The characteristic narcissistic behavior evolved to protect against the experience of shame. As a result, people with narcissistic personality disorder appear to be shame-deficient and defiant. Because the characteristic human responses to shame include hiding, deflecting blame, and lashing out in anger, these responses dominate the narcissist’s behavior. Here are some examples of these responses.
Hiding. Ironically, the person who appears to crave attention and is always seeking center stage is actually adept at hiding in plain sight. It is important to keep in mind that the narcissist is not hiding from you—in fact, it is rarely about you. Narcissists hide from aspects of themselves. Narcissists often complain that they do not get the attention or appreciation they deserve. Themes they do not reveal include a sense of a weak, flawed self that is always lurking in the background, yearning to be fixed. Any empathic awareness of the impact of the narcissist’s neediness and demands on others is forbidden.
In my clinical experience, the narcissist’s inner world is often plagued by a sense of emptiness and inadequacy. Many narcissists grew up in environments where at least one parent was abusive or unavailable, while the other compensated by overindulging, conveying to the child that the child could do no wrong. As a result, exaggerated fantasies of success, power, and self-admiration become secret havens, providing shelter from contact with a pervasive sense of self-loathing. When the narcissist brags endlessly, criticizes, or abuses you, the trigger is often a memory or a frustrating fantasy that has only a peripheral connection to you. You rarely know the reason for the conflict or sudden display of grandiosity, but it is all too easy to take it personally. A special case of hiding from self-evaluation occurs in envy, a core narcissistic trait. In envy, attention shifts from the self to an external object that is somehow admired and seen as immune to some flaw in the envious person. At the same time, there is a hostile element to envy, in which the envied object is demeaned to reduce the perceived distance between the self and the other.
Whether you know it or not, if you are in a permanent relationship with a narcissist, you will be the object of envy. This may surprise you because the narcissist may often seem to be overly critical of you and seem to look down on you. But if you are important to the narcissist, it is because he or she views you as a source of valuable ego supplies, including traits that he or she would like to possess or control in you.
Related : 10 Ways Narcissists and Alcoholics Are Similar
Diffusing blame. Compulsive blame can be seen as an attempt to fix or relocate the sense of “fault” at the core of narcissism (Zaslav, 1998). Assigning blame to others frees the self from responsibility for the perceived flaw or fault. Thus, the basic algorithm for the narcissist is that when complaints, criticisms, or failures are in the air, it must be someone else’s fault. People in relationships with narcissists are often surprised when they are blamed for things they didn’t do, or that the narcissist did. The hard task is not to accept the distorted version of what happened between you. It often takes courage and tact to simply state the obvious truth to defend your position. There is rarely any benefit in engaging in arguments.
Extreme anger. When a narcissist feels insulted or offended, whether imagined or real, he or she may enter a state of extreme anger. In these states of mind, the narcissist lashes out in “tormentor” anger. A common mistake is for the recipient of this anger to try to argue with the narcissist while he or she is in this state. In states of anger, the narcissist is unable to think clearly or see you realistically.
In my work with narcissists and other severe personality disorders, I have learned to offer anger management measures when angry individuals threaten to lose control. The danger is that if allowed to escalate, the confrontation can have serious consequences for the relationship. It can be helpful to calmly but firmly point out these negative consequences if the escalation continues. You should try to detach, take a break, and avoid getting drawn into an argument at these times. Remember, anger and rage are usually short-lived and easily extinguished. It can be helpful to revisit the issue that led to the conflict when the iron is cold.
It is helpful to understand that narcissists see the world differently than you do. The underlying issues that are bothering them are rarely shared. Be prepared to take the blame for things you didn’t do, and have an unrealistic outlook, especially if you refuse to be reduced to a mere self-promotion agent. If things feel overly toxic, and certainly if there is a threat to physical safety, you may need to withdraw completely and seek professional help or protection.
