At first, narcissists are charming, fun, and supportive. Their true colors only come out after their partner invests in the relationship. But by then, the narcissist has manipulated their partner into believing that they are the problem.
As a therapist, I watch people who have been oscillating in a relationship for years, not realizing they are dealing with a narcissist. Skilled narcissists justify their actions and unfairly blame others. Because the narcissist is skilled at creating a positive public image of themselves, the treatment they receive behind closed doors is at odds with the narcissist’s worldview. This often creates confusion. The oscillation between kindness and cruelty also allows the narcissist to camouflage their abuse and trap the person in an additional cycle of self-doubt.
Although narcissism is often considered a defense mechanism, and in very small doses, a natural human tendency, the true narcissist is governed by their narcissism. The defense mechanism is a powerful, ever-present force that protects the narcissist from any blow to their ego. Unable to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that a close relationship evokes, they employ a myriad of defenses. This defensive set prevents them from resolving conflict appropriately and is a clear sign of narcissism. Three tendencies indicate that an individual has narcissistic tendencies and is unable to handle interpersonal conflict.
First, they avoid. The response to even mild, supportive confrontation is anger or withdrawal, usually followed by excuses and justifications. The narcissist consistently assumes a straight, innocent position and fails to look at the situation authentically from the partner’s perspective. The lack of personal accountability is striking and conspicuous.
Related : Red Alerts for Narcissistic Lovers
Second, the project. Narcissists unscrupulously succeed in turning the situation around and blaming the other person. This takes the focus off the original issue and allows the narcissist the opportunity to direct accusations at the person who had the “audacity” to confront them. Regaining control by launching an unfair attack is a common narcissist’s go-to maneuver.
Third, narcissists often play the victim when confronted. They feign hardship to justify their wrongdoings. Using past trauma as permission to hurt someone or avoid unpleasant consequences is manipulative but common among narcissists. Trying to take advantage of a partner’s sympathy and get out of “hot water” can also be routine.
For example, Lisa invites her partner Ron to an important work event. Ron declines the invitation because he has several deadlines that day. Lisa arrives home and assumes Ron is working late. She is surprised when Ron walks through the door dressed for tennis. Lisa tries to remain calm and convince herself that there is a reasonable explanation. Ron searches the refrigerator and does not explain. Lisa approaches him and expresses her disappointment.
Ron responds angrily, “Really?! Am I required to go to your work events? You are so controlling, Lisa! Do you realize how stressed I am at work? You have no idea. I need to de-stress. I think you need to talk to someone about your controlling tendencies and insecurities.”
In this example, Ron avoids taking responsibility, plays the victim, and unfairly blames Lisa. Lisa has two options. The first is to continue trying to help Ron see the situation from her perspective. However, this perpetuates the argument and gives Ron more opportunities to attack her. The second option is to agree with Ron and blame herself. Either way, Lisa walks away more devastated than ever. The second narcissistic response is to dismiss. Ron ignores the situation completely. When Lisa approaches Ron and expresses her displeasure, Ron haughtily says, “The players needed me tonight. They couldn’t have played without me. Don’t start,” as he heads into the next room to watch TV. Lisa feels unimportant, angry, and alone.
Instead, say that Ron is not a narcissist. He may be defensive at first, but eventually, he sees the situation from Lisa’s perspective, understands the hurt she caused, and feels genuine remorse for disappointing Lisa. “I’m so sorry, Lisa. I was selfish and hurt you. I’m truly sorry. When is your next work event? I’ll be there to support you. I’m proud of you and I love you.” The experience of regret is painful and reminds Ron to avoid making the same mistake again. In the future, Ron enthusiastically attends Lisa’s important work functions. Being in a relationship with someone unable to admit their mistakes, address issues, and repair the breakdowns in the relationship is frustrating, painful, and isolating. Trust disappears and resentment grows. Because a person is systematically attacked for feeling unloved by their partner, their sense of self is diminished. Although a narcissist may have some redeemable qualities, the damage to a person’s dignity, self-esteem, and overall happiness can be profound.
