Take a few moments to think about what sex means to you (intercourse, for example).
…and stop.
Now, go ahead and rate each of the 14 words below in terms of how important they are to your understanding of sex, that is, what sex means to you. A rating of 1 means it’s not important at all and a rating of 9 means it’s very important. Of course, you can also use any number between 1 and 9. Don’t worry if some of the words sound a little strange. Just follow your instincts.
- Loyalty
- Power
- Love
- Dominance
- Trust
- Ego
- Closeness
- Influence
- Honesty
- Leadership
- Respect
- Manipulation
- Happiness
- Boldness
Now add up your scores. You should get two. There will be two scores for odd-numbered words and one for even-numbered words. Let’s call your odd-numbered word score “group sex” and your even-numbered word score “effective sex.”
People who score high relative to others on group sex tend to view sex as mutually rewarding (that is, both partners get something positive from it) and relationship-enhancing. People who score high on effective sex tend to view sex as personally rewarding and self-enhancing. To some extent, sex is more about “we” for people high in group sex and more about “me” for people high in ineffective sex.
A few years ago, we (i.e., Joshua Foster, Ilan Shrira, & Keith Campbell, 2006) administered this test to 272 students at the University of Georgia. So you can get an idea of where you fall: The students in this study scored an average of 57 on group sex and 23 on effective sex. Women scored slightly higher than men on group sex (59 vs. 53) and men scored slightly higher than women on active sex (27 vs. 21).
However, what we were most interested in was how these concepts of sex related to the narcissistic personality construct. Consistent with what we expected, and perhaps what you would expect, narcissists (i.e., people who scored high on the narcissism scale) tended to score higher on active sex and lower on group sex than less narcissistic people. This suggests that, like everything else in their lives, narcissists view sex as “all about m
To some extent, we suspect that narcissists view their sexual partners as objects that fulfill their needs for pleasure, status, and power. As you might imagine, this kind of attitude probably doesn’t bode well for long-term relationships. One thing we suspect, but haven’t tested, is that frequent sexual activity may be detrimental to relationships involving narcissists. Here’s why. Sex generally works to bring partners closer together (both physically and psychologically). In other words, sex can be seen as a mechanism for strengthening relationships. However, for narcissists, who view sex more in terms of personal gratification, sex may increase separation. Think of it this way. It’s hard to imagine a marriage therapist suggesting that a couple engage in more frequent, solitary activities in the hopes of becoming closer. Surely, this would instead lead to more separation. Similarly, if sex is essentially an isolated activity (even in the presence of another person), it is possible to imagine how frequent sexual activity might lead relationship partners to feel more disconnected from each other.
Granted, we are taking the narcissist’s perspective in our speculation. It is certainly possible that the (less narcissistic) partners of narcissists become more and more attached to them with each sexual act. This is particularly stark because while sex makes one partner more connected, it pushes the other away. This could go some way to explaining our lab’s findings that former romantic partners of narcissists report feeling particularly anxious about their relationships. Again, we haven’t tested this idea directly, but it certainly seems like a logical possibility.
If we accept that sexual activity can undermine relationships involving narcissists, we might wonder: Is there anything we can do to change this? The short answer is that no one knows. One might try to prevent sex with narcissistic romantic partners, but other research we’ve conducted leads us to believe that narcissists will simply look elsewhere to get their sexual needs met. See, narcissists tend to take a “what have you done for me lately” approach to their relationships and are quicker than most people to walk away from relationships that don’t meet their needs (Foster, 2008). Another option might be to somehow get narcissists to adopt a more collective view of sex. None of us are quite sure how to do this, or whether it’s even possible, but if we can encourage narcissistic romantic partners to view sexual behavior in terms of “we,” perhaps their long-term relationships will work a little better.
