Key Points
There are many social media sites dedicated to those who have “survived narcissism.”
Humans are naturally selfish, at least as much as they are naturally helpful.
We often notice selfishness easily in others, but not in ourselves.
Although two types of narcissism have been identified (grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism), recent research suggests that only vulnerable narcissism is the latter.
Psychological terms have long found their way into mainstream language. However, in common parlance, they are often misused. When you call someone a “psychopath,” you generally don’t mean they are a diagnosable mentally ill person. People are often asked if they have bipolar disorder because one moment they are fine and the next they are upset. However, this reaction is not a reliable indicator of bipolar disorder, just as feeling down for a day or two is not a sign of depression.
One psychology term I’ve seen misused recently is “narcissist.” I’ve seen posts on social media from “my narcissistic ex,” and when I searched, I found many others (“recovering from narcissistic abuse,” “narcissistic mothers,” “raised by narcissistic mothers,” the list goes on). It seems that almost everyone has been affected by a narcissist close to them. However, this is statistically unlikely.
Although many believe that narcissism is on the rise (see The Narcissism Epidemic by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell) and that millennials are often blamed, the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder remains fairly stable at about “0 to 6.2 percent in population studies,” according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (APA, 2015).
As I mentioned earlier, it seems likely that the general public overestimates the prevalence of narcissism, and labels people who may exhibit traits of narcissism, or the trait of narcissism (as opposed to the disorder), as narcissists. When researchers say that narcissism is on the rise, they are talking exclusively about the trait, not the disorder.
Humans are selfish. As I wrote in my article “You’re So Selfish,” studies have found that humans are at least as selfish as they are cooperative (Robinson, 2014). If you hold to evolutionary theory, our primary goals are survival and reproduction. If most of what we do boils down to these two motivations, isn’t it easy to argue that we evolved to be selfish? Even cooperation has been theoretically linked to evolution. After all, if you were selfish all the time, you would eventually be ostracized from the group. Historically (though not today), this would have led to lower survival rates.
Although humans are selfish, one rarely sees oneself as selfish. This is due to cognitive biases that protect the ego. As such, one is more likely to see selfishness in others but has reasons and justifications for why one’s behavior is not selfish.
Studies show that empathy is declining and that narcissism is on the rise. People are becoming more selfish, and they see less benefit in empathy (see, “Are You Entitled? Lack of Empathy? Research Shows There Are Benefits”). Perhaps this is the rational mind trumping the evolutionary mind. One does not need to be accepted by one group today as was the case historically. There are so many people that new groups can be found.
Perhaps there are other explanations, besides the “ruining” of the world by younger generations. This is probably what is always blamed for it. I have often referred to this quote that I read a long time ago: “Children now love luxury; they have bad manners and contempt for authority… Children now are tyrants… and they tyrannize over their teachers.” The author of the quote is not a contemporary. It was Socrates (470-399 BCE).
Before I leave the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I want to share some recent research. Two types of narcissism have been identified, grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. However, recent research has challenged this classification, suggesting that the only true narcissism is vulnerable (Kowalchyk, et. al., 2021). They argue that grandiose narcissism is a type of psychopathy. What this generally means is that true narcissists are who they are because they have used this strategy to cope with insecurity.
So what does one do if one has been hurt by another selfish person? First, one must acknowledge and acknowledge one’s pain. In a recent podcast on compassion and forgiveness, psychologist Charlotte Witvliet discusses viewing forgiveness as a process, how it is important to honor the pain, not force forgiveness, and to recognize one’s power in forgiveness. Additionally, there is an emphasis on the benefits of genuine forgiveness (as a moral response to a perceived relationship betrayal, not for the physical or psychological benefits). In her research, she has found that empathy, particularly understanding the other as human and flawed, is helpful for forgiveness (Vedantam, 2021). However, it is also understood that empathy and forgiveness should not be forced, and again that forgiveness is a process.
I am not sure whether all social media accounts dedicated to victims of one type of narcissism or another help with this process. At best, they provide a community of people who have in common the fact that they have been hurt by a selfish individual. This can lead to a process of working through the pain, and perhaps ultimately begin the process of forgiveness. But at worst, they continue to re-invoke and feed the hurt, focus on the victims, and are likely to falsely label the selfish person as a narcissist.
