Key Points
Only about 1% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but narcissistic behavioral traits are more common.
People who develop narcissistic traits are often children of parents who are inconsistent and unpredictable in their expression of love.
Boundaries can help protect someone from the onslaught of criticism or abuse from a narcissistic mother.
It is not easy for a child to grow up with a mother who has narcissistic traits. It can be psychologically damaging if not given the proper attention. About 1% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but narcissistic behavioral traits are more common. People who develop narcissistic traits are often children of parents who are inconsistent and unpredictable in their expression of love.
How do you know if you are the child of a narcissistic mother? They are often incredibly concerned about being seen as the “good mother” in the eyes of others. They may be overly concerned about how their children look and how that reflects on them. A mother’s diminished sense of self can be seen when she attacks others by pointing out shortcomings and/or praising her children for superficial qualities.
Mothers with narcissistic traits often see situations as either all good or all bad; they are either in or out. This is called splitting. Splitting causes a person to see everything and everyone in black and white. Individuals who see their world through this lens cannot accept people as good or bad, resulting in their ability to love only conditionally. Splitting causes a lot of rejection from outsiders and can lead to failed relationships. A mother who is prone to splitting is more likely to raise fragile children with low self-esteem.
Narcissistic mothers place more importance on their child’s accomplishments than their happiness. The expectations they place on their children often lead to children feeling disconnected between their acting selves and their true selves. Two common patterns of children of narcissistic mothers are the anxious, favored child and the withdrawn, depressed child.
Narcissistic mothers may also exhibit the following common traits:
- Lack of empathy
- Fragile self-esteem
- Inability to handle any form of criticism
- Self-centered exploitation of relationships
- Tendency to cheat in marriages
- Verbal aggression and abuse
- Disordered aging and will do anything to avoid it
- Lack of insight into how they affect others
- Prone to depression and substance abuse
- Friendly and lovable in social settings, but serious behind closed doors
Children of mothers with narcissistic tendencies may find that they indulge their needs to please their mothers. This behavior is an attempt to gain love and acceptance from an individual who is unable to provide unconditional love. These children may be more prone to depression and substance abuse. They may also have fragile egos and have difficulty saying no. Mistrust, domestic violence, and instability can be common in partnerships with children of narcissists.
Tips for Building a Relationship with a Narcissistic Mother
While maintaining a healthy relationship with a narcissistic mother is not easy, it is possible. Here are some suggestions that may help guide the relationship toward mutual peace:
Set boundaries and stick to them. The narcissist’s charm may make this difficult, but remember that boundaries may look different for each relationship. A common tendency for a narcissistic mother to bring up triggering topics and offer “expert” advice on how to fix these issues is common.
If your mother always wants to talk about your physical appearance and what you need to do to improve your fitness, or if she regularly criticizes your relationship with your partner, let her know that these topics are off-limits. If she brings them up, let her know that the conversation is over and that you will connect at a different time.
Set a time limit for spending time with your mother. Don’t allow an open-door policy. Your time together can be scheduled with a fixed start and end time. This allows for less rigid behavior and gives you a light at the end of the tunnel if you start to feel overwhelmed by her behavior.
Compliment her when you can. If your mom does something you admire, let her know. Narcissists thrive on praise. Show her that you pay attention to her positive qualities as much as you do to her negative ones.
If a fight breaks out, let the fire run out of fuel before addressing the root cause. Dealing with a narcissist while they are “on fire” will only make the situation worse. You are unlikely to be able to see anything wrong in the moment. Give the situation space and revisit it when things calm down.
Narcissistic tendencies are easily passed down through generations, but children of narcissistic mothers can break the cycle. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great resource for stopping the flow of narcissistic traits across generations and healing the emotional wounds of childhood. You can break the cycle by recognizing your mother’s flaws and identifying other positive role models.
Setting boundaries with your mother can provide you with an important lesson in learning what she can and cannot offer you emotionally. Boundaries can help protect you from an onslaught of criticism or abuse; however, this is not something that can be done easily as a young child. For daughters who have decided to cut more permanent ties with their mothers, I recommend remembering the mantra, “It’s not the family you’re born into, it’s the family you choose.” Find mentors who validate you and give you the praise that your mother can’t.
