“Some people try to be tall by cutting off other people’s heads.”
— Paramahansa Yogananda
“The way other people make you feel is always a reflection of how they feel in the world.”
— Anonymous psychologist
The Mayo Clinic Research Group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an exaggerated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about how others feel. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Narcissism is often interpreted in popular culture as someone who loves themselves. It is more accurate to describe a pathological narcissist as someone who loves an idealized self-image, which they project to avoid feeling (and appearing to be) their real, wounded, deprived self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they don’t want to admit it.
What are some ways narcissists compensate for their inferiority complex? Here are five pointers, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists, and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward a Higher Self. While some people may engage in these behaviors occasionally, a pathological narcissist will regularly exhibit one or more of the following traits, while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned) about how their behavior negatively impacts others.
- Inflated Sense of Self
“It’s not easy being superior to everyone I know!”
—Anonymous
“My fiancé and I drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding drives a Mercedes, too!”
—Anonymous
Many narcissists enjoy bragging about themselves in grandiose and exaggerated terms, whether it’s their physical attractiveness, material possessions (awards), social popularity, exciting lifestyle, outstanding accomplishments, associations with high status, or other envy-worthy qualities. While there is nothing inherently wrong with describing oneself in positive terms, pathological narcissists do so in the following unhealthy ways:
A. Self-flattering statements are often exaggerated.
B. Self-flattering statements are often said, directly or indirectly, at the expense of others (“I’m better than you,” “You don’t have what I have,” “They’re nothing compared to me”). The narcissist’s fragile ego is not boosted by positive self-affirmation, but by belittling others.
C. Self-flattering statements are meant to be looked up to and flattered. Essentially, they want you to worship them, so they feel “special,” “exceptional,” and “important.”
Through this superficial, compensatory outer “mask,” the narcissist constructs a false identity, masking an insecure, wounded self.
- Reacts poorly to criticism
“How dare you tell me I’m wrong—she’s nothing!”
― Anonymous
One easy way to spot a narcissist’s fragile ego is to observe how they react to criticism, even when it is delivered in a diplomatic, reasonable, and constructive manner. Most mature adults are able to take fair criticism with open arms, evaluate its validity, and use helpful feedback as a valuable learning tool. However, chronic narcissists tend to be extremely offended and hypersensitive to even minor criticism, especially valuable ones, because they fear that the truth will “expose” their phoniness and hollowness (narcissistic injury).
- Jealousy of Others and Owning Attention
“How did she get picked? She must have been tricked!”
― Anonymous
Jealousy can be defined as the feeling of envy for not having what someone else has. While some people feel jealous occasionally, many people with chronic narcissistic personality disorder feel envious and resentful of others’ happiness and success on a regular basis, and make pathologically demeaning comments in order to make themselves feel better.
Many people with pathological narcissism are also attention hoggers in their personal and/or professional lives. They want you to constantly focus on them and meet their needs. Without your attention and appeasement, they feel unimportant.
- Manipulating to Get What They Want
“There are those whose primary ability is to spin the wheels of manipulation. It’s their second skin and without these spinning wheels, they simply don’t know how to operate.”
― C. Goebel C.
Examples of narcissistic manipulation include, but are not limited to:
A. Negative manipulation – aims to gain an advantage by making the victim feel inferior, incompetent, insecure, and/or self-doubt.
B. Positive manipulation – aims to emotionally bribe the victim to gain favors, concessions, sacrifices, and/or commitments.
C. Deception and intrigue – intended to distort the victim’s perception to facilitate their exploitation.
D. Strategic helplessness – intended to take advantage of the victim’s goodwill and guilty conscience.
E. Hostility and Abuse – intended to control and dominate the victim through overt aggression.
The truth about narcissistic manipulation is that deep down, many narcissists don’t believe they have what it takes to get what they want in a healthy and reasonable way. To compensate for their inadequacy, they resort to false personas and deceptive schemes to gain a measure of what they desire.
- Inability to Face Your True Self and Inability to See You as a Real Person
The end result of being in a relationship with a pathological narcissist is that your thoughts, emotions, and priorities are constantly invalidated. You exist solely to serve the narcissist’s whims and pleasures. The flip side of this dynamic is that the narcissist, in creating and facilitating such relationships, refuses to acknowledge the painful truth: that he or she is incapable of having a genuine, loving relationship. Many chronic narcissists have little to offer and will never admit it, because it is better to be a false, fake self than a deprived, real self.
Can a narcissist change for the better? Maybe. But only if he is fully aware, and willing to undergo the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of real relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from the fake, and gradually move toward the higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, discerning awareness and assertive communication are essential to healthy, mutually respectful relationships. See references below.
