Leaving a relationship is always difficult and painful, and leaving a relationship with a narcissist can be even more difficult because you’ve invested so much time and effort into trying to make it work. And even when you find yourself starting over, many of us end up in a similar relationship with someone else and wonder how we got there and how we can break the cycle. Changing your relationship patterns comes down to realizing that there are two people in any relationship and the only person you can change is you.
Highly sensitive people are natural caregivers and nurturers who are sensitive to the feelings and needs of others and narcissists can sense this from a mile away. They may be drawn to us because they know they’ll get what they need from us. And that’s what usually happens in a relationship – the narcissist gets what they need and the highly sensitive person keeps trying to be loved.
So how do you stop being drawn to people like this? How do you break the pattern of relationships with people who treat you poorly? If you simply try to remind yourself to avoid such people in the future, you know that it won’t work. Change isn’t a push of a button, it’s a process.
Many of us struggle to make a relationship work and please our partners by working harder at it. We tell our partner what to do differently or try to do what they want. But even though we feel deep down that this relationship feels familiar, we start to feel increasingly sad because we still aren’t getting our needs met. The struggle to get this person to love and accept us isn’t working.
As we continue to try to hold on to the relationship, we know deep down that whatever we’re getting isn’t enough and that’s why we feel sad. It’s the struggle for love and the subsequent unfulfillment.
Our needs for love, respect, attention, affection, and acceptance are important. We all need these things. That’s what romantic relationships are for. But many of us haven’t gotten what we need in the past to the point where we’re starving for it now, so we try to get what we need from our partner by reaching out, holding on tight, and being afraid that they’ll leave us. We think we need to hold on to whatever crumbs of love fall on us because it’s better than nothing. We feel grateful for it and are willing to accept anything, no matter how small.
The process of change begins when we realize that we need to expect more. Crumbs are not enough. What you are getting in your relationships now and in the past has not been and will not be enough, because if it were enough, you would be happy. The answer is to stop fighting.
Not fighting for what you want can feel wrong, and it can be scary and unfamiliar. In the past, when you were a child, not trying to get what you wanted usually meant that you didn’t get anything. But now that struggle attracts people who know you’re struggling and will use it to meet their own needs. When you stop trying so hard, you begin to trust that someone who truly cares about you and loves you will give you what you need. And when you believe that, change happens. You change what is acceptable and what isn’t. And that can attract someone who is loving and compassionate. Here’s how to get started:
- Figure out what you need. Did you feel like you didn’t get enough attention or affection growing up?
- Express your needs. Tell your partner clearly what you need and how you feel. That’s all you have to do. You have the right to have your needs met.
- Stop trying to help your partner. They should help themselves and they will if they want to. You are not responsible for their growth, their health, or even the relationship. You are only responsible for yourself.
- Expect to receive what you need.
- If you express your needs and feelings and your partner ignores them, you will know it is time to move on and find someone else.
The process of changing your expectations and beliefs can create change in your life. When you recognize what you need and express it, you create an expectation that you will get what you need. This new way of thinking will begin to change you and that will lead to better relationships. You will no longer be someone who tolerates hurtful behavior. You will be a different person, someone who has self-respect and knows that they are worthy of being loved and accepted. This is where healthy, loving relationships come into play.
