One of the most challenging concepts about narcissism is its many different facets. Like antisocial personality disorders, borderline personality disorders, and histrionic personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is a notoriously difficult condition to diagnose.
The good news is that a diagnosis is not necessary to move on from an abusive partner and begin the work of personal healing. Identifying the traits of a narcissistic individual and learning how to respond and protect oneself is more likely and possible than achieving a full clinical diagnosis. Unfortunately, even if someone is diagnosed as a narcissist, change is extremely difficult. The term and label of “narcissist” should not be thrown around lightly, but unfortunately, narcissistic traits are pervasive.
Narcissists are the chameleons of human nature. They can project whatever image they choose to fit into a variety of situations or social circles. For example, a controlling and aggressive person may typically appear broken and weak if it means they get their needs and desires met. Gaining and maintaining control is the driving desire of any type of narcissist.
Personality theorists believe that narcissism can be divided into two main types: covert/fragile narcissism and grandiose/malignant narcissism. Prominent personality traits are what separate the covert narcissist from the grandiose narcissist. These subtypes and their accompanying traits can overlap, supporting the chameleon comparison. However, by understanding the façade structure, one can learn to deconstruct threats and become immune to abuse.
Related : 7 Reasons Narcissists Rarely Grow Emotionally
Both types of narcissism share the core traits of arrogance, lack of empathy, and excessive self-focus. It is how these traits are expressed that defines an individual as fragile or malignant. By identifying the characteristics that make up the narcissist structure, an abused victim can prepare for how they will be treated. Anticipation plays a major role in increasing anxiety as the mind and body are in a constant state of readiness for confrontation. By anticipating how a narcissist will act, you can not only manage unnecessary stress but even protect yourself from future attacks.
GrandiorNarcissists
These narcissists are the classic representation of a personality disorder: they are exploitative, adrenaline-seeking, and carry an intense air of entitlement with them wherever they go. These individuals have high self-esteem to mask their self-loathing and are not afraid to brag or show off to maintain the facade. They are boastful, egotistical, and arrogant (“I can have any man I want.” “I don’t need you, you need me!”). Grandior narcissists rely minimally on friends, family, or lovers and avoid real emotional closeness. These chameleons can give the appearance of a devoted spouse or caring friend (think social media and photo accounts), but the focus of the relationship will always be on them alone.
Grandiose narcissists may depend on another person for a reason, but they never depend on them for an emotional reason beyond meeting needs. If a narcissist is in a relationship, it is often for a selfish reason: power, good looks, connections, or service from their partner. Instead of a relationship that consists of equal give and take or mutual support, the narcissist expects to be served and satisfied, but will never feel satisfied.
As a result, demands can escalate dramatically, and the partner will begin to lose favor and will always be trying to please them. When the narcissist is not treated exactly as they demand or the service stops producing the desired results, they will react explosively. A breakup will not derail the narcissist for long because they simply move on to their next victim or producer. However, the partner they leave behind is the one who has left a huge mess to clean up and heal from.
CovertNarcissists
Covert narcissists are also referred to as vulnerable narcissists. Like grandiose narcissists, covert narcissists suffer from low self-esteem; however, that’s where the similarities end. Grandiose narcissists hide their vulnerability with an explosive, arrogant exterior while covert narcissists embrace it and use it as an exploitative tool to elicit sympathy and attention. This less obvious type of narcissism is hidden behind shame. Covert narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism, prone to depression and anxiety, and love to share their heartbreaking stories with anyone who will listen.
Covert narcissists have possessive feelings toward their friends, family, children, and partners. A covert narcissist may not want to stay married to their spouse or even move abroad and date other people but will become angry if their partner files for divorce or if they start dating other people (“How dare this woman go out with my husband!”). The “do what I say, not what I do” mentality is particularly strong in covert narcissists because of their possessiveness and high emotional needs. They will manipulate their children, friends, and family members to maintain their loyalty to themselves alone. These individuals have expectations of grandeur and desirability and will adjust the narrative to fit these expectations. For example, society considers adultery to be wrong and immoral. If a covert narcissist is called out for having an affair, the blame is placed on the ex-partner for allegedly pushing them into the affair and thus it is accepted. On the other hand, covert narcissists may accuse their partner of cheating if their partner mentions a coworker after a day at the office, and bring sympathy upon themselves.
Related : 5 Ways to Deal With Narcissists at Celebrations and Holidays
Covert narcissists are highly sensitive and passive-aggressive. They believe they deserve something—power, attention, forgiveness—but are being unfairly denied or unwilling to do the work necessary to achieve the ultimate goal. These individuals believe they are better than others but are being unfairly held back and will respond with resentment and resentment. It is much easier to blame others than to point the finger at themselves.
Ultimately, narcissists are impossible to satisfy. This is not a reflection on their partner but on the grandiose narcissists themselves. There is no true love or affection; nothing is ever good enough, and when something satisfies the narcissist, it doesn’t last long. Feelings of inadequacy and helplessness deeply hurt the victim by eroding their self-esteem. If they truly love the narcissist, they will do anything they can to please him or her without reward. It’s a vicious, abusive cycle that has the potential to shatter self-esteem. Children and spouses of narcissists say the same thing: I was never good enough. Counseling, self-reflection, and cutting off contact are all ways to reclaim yourself and heal. Abuse can masquerade as love, but love is never abusive.
