Key Points
Narcissistic behavior often begins in childhood as a form of self-defense against feeling unloved.
The resulting self-protective patterns can prevent narcissists from personal growth.
Narcissistic personalities can change, but they must be open to self-reflection and criticism and not indulge in comforting illusions.
One of the most frustrating things about narcissistic personalities is their resistance to growth. Throughout life, we all—narcissists included—have the potential to develop ourselves. So why do they rarely develop?
Narcissistic behavior begins as self-protection from the shame and low self-esteem that results from insecure attachment to parents. Children who develop a narcissistic personality will adopt defensive behavior patterns to protect themselves from negative reactions, whether from others or their thoughts and feelings.
7 Reasons Why Narcissists Rarely Grow Emotionally
Hiding their negative self-concept (repressing it) and compensating for it with their exaggerated superiority is meant to be a defense against pain, but in reality, it is a deal with the devil that also prevents them from personal growth.
- They avoid self-reflection.
A hallmark of emotional maturity is the habit of self-reflection. We check in with ourselves about how we feel, how others respond to us, and what we do that works and doesn’t. Self-reflection is an act of self-agency that enables us to learn from our experiences and better adapt to our circumstances.
Narcissists’ refusal to self-reflect allows them to suppress their shame and avoid looking at how their ego affects others, but it also prevents them from developing self-awareness and learning from their mistakes. This is why they tend to take a simplistic view of their childhood, lack insight into their relationships, and become angry when confronted with their behavior. Narcissists are strangers to themselves, and they want to stay that way.
- They distort reality.
In addition to avoiding self-reflection, narcissists hold facts at a distance and replace them with lies and distortions that align with their inflated self-beliefs. From denying uncomfortable truths to having delusions of superiority and entitlement to justifying neglect and abuse to manipulating those around them, narcissists constantly try to evade reality, making objectivity, fairness, and accountability impossible. Clinging to magical thinking causes them to fail to deal with the truths that enable us to know ourselves and others.
- Projecting Negativity.
Another self-protection mechanism of narcissists is to project their negative thoughts, feelings, and actions onto others. Like avoiding self-reflection and denying reality, projecting what they wish to deny about themselves onto those around them allows them to release uncomfortable feelings, such as aggression and jealousy while giving them complete freedom to avoid consequences, deny responsibility, and shift blame. Forcing narcissists to project themselves makes them reckless, callous, and unprepared for the learning that only comes from honest self-evaluation and accountability.
- They See Themselves as Special or Perfect.
As ridiculous as it may seem, narcissists have a special or grandiose illusion of perfection that aims to isolate them from any possibility of flaw or wrongdoing. 5. They Have a Victim Story.
Like a special defense or ideal defense, feeling like a victim is a common mindset of narcissists, especially the more passive-aggressive types. Adopting an attitude that they are always the wronged party when they don’t get what they want is a loophole that allows them to avoid accountability and blame others. Playing the victim’s fiddle is also a strategy to get attention, sympathy, and care from others. The problem with constantly framing the experience as unfair is the lack of agency inherent in seeing themselves as perpetual victims powerless to change their circumstances.
- They lack empathy.
Perhaps the narcissist’s lack of empathy is their greatest disability and impediment to growth. The inability to emotionally connect with the experiences or feelings of others stems from their internal isolation and lack of empathy for their vulnerable childhood self. Standing at a distance from their humanity is supposed to protect them from vulnerability, but it keeps them fear-driven, rigid, and isolated.
- Others protect them from consequences.
Narcissists are emotionally disturbed, ruthlessly selfish, and deeply traumatize others, especially their family members. Many were protected from consequences as children (while also being emotionally deprived). As adults, they seek out partners who accept and enable their delusions and abusive behavior, and often align themselves with narcissistic careers and institutions that reinforce their entitlement.
TheNarcissismTrap
Like the rest of us, narcissists can change and evolve. But as long as they avoid self-reflection, distort reality, project negatives, inflate themselves, play the victim, and emotionally detach without being held accountable by the people around them, they will not get the impetus they need to develop moral responsibility and healthier ways of coping. What begins as a childhood defense against feelings of unloveability becomes a self-fulfilling trap that makes it impossible to experience trust and a loving connection with oneself or others.
