Key Points
When someone is in a relationship with a narcissist, they may devote a lot of their time and attention to their partner’s needs.
A person may find it difficult to leave a narcissistic partner because the narcissist may make them feel needed or special.
Others may be drawn to the push-and-pull dynamics associated with being with a narcissist.
Several problems can come with dating a narcissist. However, many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Studies have found that narcissists are more attractive and appealing to people as potential dates. Getting into a relationship with a narcissist can eventually leave a person feeling like they’ve lost themselves, as their partner becomes the focus of their energy and attention. However, even after a rocky relationship, it can be difficult to leave a narcissist.
It’s not surprising that a person might be drawn to someone with narcissistic traits. They can be charming and bring a lot of energy to the room. “Narcissists can be very charming and lovable at first, they can delight and seduce us, they can be interesting, funny, mysterious, and sexy. However, in long-term relationships, their true nature comes out and we keep wondering if they are the same person from the beginning of our relationship,” said Bojana Dinčić, an assistant professor at the University of Novi Sad in Serbia, who recently completed a study on the love patterns of narcissists.
The early stages of a romance with a narcissist can be very emotional and exciting. There may be a sense that if this special, larger-than-life “great” person has chosen me, then I must be special too. Narcissists can be prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and can be very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily maintained.
Over time, some negative traits often begin to emerge. Narcissists tend to be controlling, possessive, and jealous. They may demand attention, seek reassurance, and build up. They can feel hurt easily and are overly focused on their wants and needs. If we hurt their inflated self-perception, narcissists often lash out. Their communication can be painful, making the other person feel devalued or inferior.
When someone is in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s not uncommon for them to feel isolated. The narcissistic partner may consume their energy or even try to limit their contact with others. Much of their time and attention will go to the narcissist’s wants, needs, and emotions, and they may be neglected. With all of these challenges and negative aspects of a relationship, why is it so hard to leave a narcissistic partner?
- Narcissists can make us feel needed.
The fact that a narcissist demands so much of their partner comes as no great surprise. A recent study showed that narcissists are actually “driven by insecurity, not an inflated sense of self.” In this way, while they may feign confidence in public, much of their identity behind the scenes feels fragile. Therefore, when we are close to a narcissist, we may become a tool that they use to try to lift their spirits or feel good about themselves. They may feel that if they get one chance at their self-image, it will all come crashing down. Because of this, we may feel extremely guilty about leaving a narcissist.
- Narcissists can make us feel special.
Although narcissists can take up a lot of space in our lives and put us in their shadow, we may feel like we’re basking in their glow by staying close to them. If we lose them, we’ll also lose their spotlight. We may feel resistant to leaving, because we fear sacrificing the sense of specialness we’ve gained by being associated with them.
- We may feel like we’re losing ourselves.
Because in a narcissistic relationship, we’ve taken on so much of the other person’s struggles and so much of their identity as our own, it can feel like we’re giving up a part of ourselves if we leave them. If they’ve become the center of our world, we may feel lost without them. So, even though the relationship has its dark sides, we imagine that we’ll be left completely in the dark if we walk away.
- Narcissists can mess with our self-esteem.
Unfortunately, we all have a side of us that questions and belittles our own identity. We all have an “inner critical voice” that tells us we’re unworthy or unwanted in all sorts of ways. Being with a narcissist can make us feel a little better about ourselves in some ways because we feel good that someone with such a high opinion of themselves chose us. Our partner may also build our immunity, making us feel special as a significant other because they’ll only be with someone special.
On the other hand, a narcissistic partner may make us feel small by belittling us when they feel challenged or when we fail to meet their exaggerated need for praise. Or they may do this by ignoring us entirely, making us feel unworthy. These ways of treating us reinforce our already negative attitudes toward ourselves, and our inner critical voice is likely to become even stronger. While it can be painful to listen to this inner critic’s self-destructive attacks, it’s also something we all struggle to challenge. This is because we tend to internalize many of their messages as our perspective, rather than seeing the external forces that shape them throughout our lives.
- We’ve Become Addicted to Push and Pull
Relationships with a narcissist have their ups and downs. “The common trait of all narcissistic love is obsession,” says Dinich. Narcissism is often associated with a “playful love style.” One minute, our partner may make us feel like we’re the center of their universe. The next, we may seem like their last priority. A narcissist may not give us much attention when we’re there for them, but they’ll make us feel great when we’re not.
While we may feel overwhelmed, confused, or frustrated by this dynamic, we can also become addicted to it. The push and pull of the other person can make us more attractive. We may think we need that exciting emotional love back to feel worthy inside. As one partner of a narcissist described it to me, “If I can get her to love me, I’m really special.”
Because we feel lost and like we’re nothing without the other person, we may stay with them and keep trying to reclaim their interest in us. This dynamic can be especially seductive for people who had an insecure attachment style early in life where they felt their needs weren’t being met or didn’t feel consistently cared for or loved. The intermittent reinforcement they get from the narcissist, in all its glamorous excess, can feel like something they need to feel good inside.
- Narcissists can recreate our past
There are often reasons from our history that draw us to narcissist. These reasons are often based on our early relationship experiences and attachment styles. If we had a parent who needed us to reassure them or who would flip the roles and have us take care of them, then devoting ourselves to someone with similar selfish patterns would be familiar.
If we grew up feeling anxious and like we couldn’t get the love or attention we needed from our primary caregiver, staying in a relationship where we feel the same sense of hopelessness can be something we unconsciously gravitate toward. These dynamics may be unpleasant, but they are familiar. We feel compelled to recreate them because they are the patterns we’ve learned about how relationships work.
Since the forces that draw us into relationships with narcissists have a lot to do with our internal patterns and personal history, breaking up with a narcissist may require some self-reflection. We may be struggling with our sense of self or with injuries from past relationships that are causing us to fall into painful patterns with a current partner. By looking at what draws us to a narcissist, what dynamics they recreate with them, and what negative self-concepts they reinforce, we can learn a lot about ourselves. We can then begin to challenge these patterns and thoughts. We can break free from relationships that limit and hurt us. Finally, we can direct ourselves to choose healthier, more fulfilling, and more equal relationships in the future.
