If you’re reading this post, you probably feel like it’s time to end a relationship with a narcissist in your life. Managing relationships with difficult people in our lives often reveals our weaknesses as well as our strengths. As I noted in a previous post, dealing with a narcissist can be particularly difficult because these people excel at manipulation. Their desperate need for admiration, approval, and recognition drives them to recruit people like you to become little more than ego-feeding stations. When you try to break out of this role, you’ll be met with anger and blame. Below, I offer some strategies for managing relationships with narcissists. These strategies can be helpful whether or not you cut ties entirely; at the very least, they’ll help you make sense of behavior that often seems trivial and confusing.
In my experience, especially when people are under stress, they’re better able to recall three overarching themes or pieces of information. So here are my three tips for managing relationships with narcissists.
- Develop Realistic Expectations
We often cling to the hope that the difficult person in our lives will change on their own. However, any experienced therapist will tell you that it is difficult for people to make meaningful behavioral changes, even when they are highly motivated and are paying the therapist for the opportunity. People with personality disorders, especially those with narcissistic personality disorders, tend to see problems as arising primarily from the actions or motivations of others. Instead of looking at themselves, they want you to act as you have always done—by accommodating them. They tend not to see their role in their difficulties. Hoping that the narcissist will suddenly see you realistically as a special person worthy of mutual consideration will only lead to disappointment.
Whether or not you decide that the relationship can continue, it is you who must act differently. Don’t expect the narcissist to respond with appreciation or a complete change. In short, expect little, but change the way you act with the narcissist.
- Minimize Contact
If allowed to do so, narcissists will dominate relationships and demand your time. They will expect you to be available day and night based on a generally exaggerated sense of entitlement. Because of their need to minimize or neutralize underlying feelings of shameful inadequacy, emptiness, inadequacy, or outright badness, narcissists bring a great deal of psychological energy to maintaining the unequal status quo in relationships with you. Being right, admired, or feeling superior to you is simply more important to the narcissist than it is to you.
When you begin to set boundaries on communication by not immediately responding to demands for attention or limiting the amount of time you spend with them, the narcissist may increase displays of hurt or anger in an attempt to provoke feelings of guilt. This is a maneuver that has always worked in the past. My advice to patients involved in such guilt codependencies is to avoid giving in to these feelings and to do what is needed to take care of themselves. Any feelings of guilt you feel can be seen as a reminder that you have an active and functioning conscience but are not being accounted for in the present.
You will need to be assertive and clear about how much time, attention, or help is available to you. It is important to stop justifying yourself or making excuses. When you begin to act more healthily, taking time for yourself, and maintaining boundaries that promote your mental health, you will feel empowered and whole when interacting with the narcissist. You are worthy of taking control of your mental health, and this is not something you need to explain or apologize for. Ultimately, the narcissist has nothing to do with it.
- Setting Firm Boundaries
The ultimate fate of your relationship with a narcissist will depend on your ability to set and maintain firm boundaries, and the narcissist’s ability to tolerate and respect them. You can begin by confronting the narcissist when he or she makes derogatory comments or puts you down. The narcissistic mind relies on a constant sort of score-scoring, constantly comparing itself to others, and repeatedly spiraling into anger and envy when the odds are against it. Angry, insecure narcissists often generate a form of ongoing abuse that is so subtle and spontaneous that it is difficult to even notice. One clinical example from my practice was a narcissistic parent who, in every interaction with an adult child, would unnecessarily bring up various embarrassing episodes from childhood. With therapy, the adult child began confronting the parent whenever such a thing was brought up and made it clear that she would no longer tolerate such comments. After several reminders, the narcissistic mother stopped making the comments.
It is important to abandon any expectation that the narcissist will sincerely apologize for the behavior; admitting wrongdoing would invite shame that must be avoided at all costs. The narcissistic parent is likely to view the adult child in the above case as unreasonably sensitive, failing to appreciate the narcissist’s charming and loving recollections of the events, which the parent concludes were not, after all, intended to embarrass or belittle her. By projecting responsibility for the affair onto the adult child, the narcissist can avoid conscious ownership of hostile and envious feelings toward the adult daughter.
With boundaries set, you will require ongoing reinforcement. This is where the diagnosis for continuing a relationship with the narcissist becomes apparent. You may need to cut ties altogether if you are unable to maintain boundaries, or if the narcissist becomes extremely angry and accuses you of making boundaries impossible. In particularly angry situations, narcissists misinterpret and distort reality to the point where you may find yourself routinely accused of things for which you were not responsible, and which were the result of the narcissist’s actions.
Finally, a few caveats: Posts like this can provide context and suggestions, but they are not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. If the narcissist in your life is an abusive or violent spouse or intimate partner, your safety (and that of your family) is your number one priority. In my experience, having an overabundance of narcissists in your life can be a sign that you have significant issues that could benefit from professional help. For example, people who grew up with narcissistic parents may unconsciously seek out partners or friends who perpetuate family themes of control, exploitation, and belittlement.
