How many friends do you have?
Five? Ten? Maybe forty.
In the age of Facebook and Snapchat, it all seems like a numbers game: The more popular you are, the more friends and followers you have online.
But here’s the thing:
Quantity is not a good indicator of quality.
You may hit Facebook’s 5,000-friend limit and still feel lonely.
Sometimes, you don’t get messages from people you thought were close to you.
But you know what’s the worst thing?
Having fake friends.
In my experience, these are people who attach themselves to you for all the wrong reasons. Even if you were expecting a good time, you’re bound to have a terrible experience with these supposedly good friends.
A friendship with a fake friend can also be described as a toxic friendship.
According to Kelly Campbell, a psychology professor at California State University, “A toxic friendship violates the norms and expectations of friendship.”
She says, “Friends should have your best interests at heart, stand up for you when you’re not around, keep your secrets, treat you with respect, be trustworthy and supportive, and be happy for your successes.”
According to Campbell, failure to adhere to these standards is a “toxic friendship.”
I agree with this sentiment.
So how do you tell a fake friend from a real friend?
Here are what I believe are five common signs:
1) They don’t tolerate differences of opinion
See, real friends are always joking and arguing about both trivial and serious matters.
Fake friends discuss these matters too, but here’s the difference:
They won’t let you win.
These “friends” won’t let you rest until they point out that they’re right.
Somehow, they’re the ones who know the full context and have all the right opinions.
In other words:
Fake friends demand your full, unmerited support—no room for compromise.
And you know what?
This is bad for your emotional and mental health.
You need to have a way to express your opinions without being harassed. If your opinion is discriminatory, you should be rebuked peacefully.
And if they are the ones who say the truly offensive things, they should also admit it.
They have a hard time accepting that they are wrong. It’s like you’re there to please them all the time.
You’re not their friend.
In fact:
You’re just someone who is expected to echo their opinions. And if you keep disagreeing with them, they’ll stop talking to you until you ask for forgiveness.
“Respect” is a foreign word to them.
Related: What J.K. Rowling Can Teach Us About Mental Strength
2) They Make Excuses and Break Their Promises
There’s a very common quote about friendship.
It goes something like this:
“True friends will always stand by you.”
While this isn’t entirely true because even the best of friends have a lot of responsibilities, it still helps us understand why we want to have real friends.
In contrast, your fake friends won’t care.
At all.
And you know what?
We get it. It’s understandable to decline an invitation to hang out if you’re busy. Friends shouldn’t force your friends to participate in social activities.
But being unavailable all the time?
That’s a hallmark of fake friends.
According to Dana Peters, MA, a life, wellness, and recovery coach, “If you need help and you notice a pattern of your friend making excuses or just disappearing — you may be in a toxic friendship,”
If you have fake friends in your life who are wearing you down, simply learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend is Ideapod’s free, powerful course on love and intimacy. Check it out here.
In this course, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the difference between fake friends and real friends so you can make a difference.
Most importantly, he will teach you a powerful framework you can start applying today to truly free yourself from fake, toxic people.
Full disclosure: I have watched this 60-minute course myself and have found it to be extremely valuable as a means of improving my relationships.
The truth is, Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
Although he spends time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and beating his drums, he is different in an important way. Rudá has made shamanism relevant to modern society.
He communicates and interprets its teachings to people who live ordinary lives. People like you and me.
3) You’re Just Their Emotional Outlet
We’ve all been there:
After class or work, you meet up with your best friends and talk about anything and everything.
You ask each other questions:
“How’s work going?”
“Did you see anyone you’re attracted to today?”
“What book are you reading?”
The point is, that you’re sharing moments.
You both feel light and rich—knowing that someone is willing to listen to you, and vice versa.
So what’s the deal with fake friends?
Well, they still listen to your ramblings and ramblings. And you listen to them when it’s time to talk.
But here’s the problem:
They’re more eager to ramble than to ramble when they’re with you. What’s worse is that they listen to your advice—they’re not going to change their ways.
In short: You’re just there so they can vent.
Maybe something good happened to them yesterday. But despite that, they will focus on the bad things that happened to them yesterday. Or all week. Or even the past few months.
Do you know about stress management?
That’s why some people do yoga every weekend. Some play video games. Others read a book while sipping a good cup of coffee. And then some scream into their pillow.
However, the latter option is better than what fake friends do:
You are their chosen way to relieve stress.
And that’s it. They won’t change their ways. They won’t get better after taking all their frustrations out on you.
Why?
Because you’re taking all the emotional burden off your fake friends. They can then continue to live in toxic relationships or be unproductive all the time.
4) They’re just there to get what they want
According to Dr. Susan Diggs White, a red flag of a toxic friend is “that your friend seems to ‘like’ you or only wants to hang out with you when they need something from you.”
Have you experienced this?
While you’re scrolling through Facebook, friend requests pop up out of nowhere.
You check them out, and you’re shocked:
It’s someone you know from work or school.
You’ve never interacted beyond the usual greeting when you see each other in the elevator or at the end of the hallway. You can’t even remember their name.
“But so what?”
You proceed to accept the friend request. And you quickly realize the purpose of this so-called friendship.
It starts like this:
They ask you how your day was. You talk about the stresses of work or school life. You know, trivial stuff.
But then something happens:
Suddenly, they zero in on a specific topic.
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It could be about your current partner. Or your ex. Or one of your siblings. It could even be about a crazy, drunken night you had years ago.
You’re not entirely sure why they want to know something so personal.
But since you already see them as good friends, you open up to them.
So how does this relate to fake friends?
Well, that’s because they’re just around to get information.
They might be a close friend of someone you broke up with. They just want to know who you’re with now, or if you’re feeling miserable because you lost your ex.
Another reason they might be calling you is because they’re jealous of your recent promotion. This friend is hoping to get a shameful story out of you, which they can use to bully you.
The main point is:
They have no real interest in being friends with you.
5) They can’t keep a secret
It’s common to fall in love with someone.
It’s also not uncommon for your friends to share secrets about love.
It’s fun to have someone to tell stories to. Plus, who doesn’t like being teased about their love interests from time to time?
So here’s the dilemma:
Fake friends don’t know when to shut up.
It’s like they naturally spill their secrets the minute you’re not around. They don’t care about your right to privacy — or that you trust them enough to keep a secret.
According to an article in the New York Times, “betrayal makes for bad friendships” and “when friends break up,” “it’s often in situations where one of them shares personal information or secrets that the other wants to keep secret.”
For them, it’s all about the drama. They even lie if they have to.
That’s because spilling secrets makes them feel powerful — that it will somehow make them more popular or better in the eyes of others.
Did you know about Gossip Girl?
It’s like that.
Fake friends are just waiting for the next big gossip from their friends.
As long as it’s not about them, they’re more than willing to tell the world as soon as possible.
How to Deal with Your Fake Friends
Okay, so you’ve identified your fake friends. You’ve realized how manipulative and unworthy they are.
What do you do about it?
Here’s a suggestion:
Cut it off with them. We know it’s not easy being the one to start this, especially if you’ve had some really good times with them.
But remember:
You’re better off without them.
And secondly:
People are waiting to be your real friends. People who listen to you and are willing to be there for you from time to time.
So approach your fake friends, one by one.
Tell them what you’ve come to and how you honestly feel about them.
Let them defend themselves, but don’t let your guard down. They may just be trying to guilt you into getting out of the situation and appearing like a good person.
On the other hand, you may not want to get rid of them entirely.
That’s up to you to decide.
“It depends on the extent of the injury,” Dr. Lerner told The New York Times.
“Sometimes maturity is to tone it down and let something go. Sometimes maturity is to accept someone else’s limitations,” she added.
Or you can’t because you’ll see them every day at work or because they’re good friends to your other friends.
In that case:
Learn to distance yourself from them.
You can still be acquaintances or friends, but you won’t be as open to them as you were before. You won’t trust them with your personal stories and secrets, and you won’t expect any help from them.
This is where you can adopt the Grey Rock Method.
The Grey Rock Method gives you the option to blend in so that you are no longer a target for that person.
If you can’t cut them out of your life completely, try to separate yourself from them as much as possible.
But if you can cut them out of your life, you need to decide what is best for your emotional health.
Perhaps Dr. Karen Riedel says it best:
“Let’s get rid of all these ‘enemies’ who seem to provide us with a constant stream of biting sarcasm, indirect compliments, competitive comparisons, and false praise or encouragement.”
Your fake friends will realize that they can’t manipulate you again unless you change your approach.
