Narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to occur in 1-5% of the population (Torgersen, 2001), and is more common in men (Stinson, 2008). Narcissistic personality disorder results from an interaction of biological and environmental factors. The core features of narcissistic personality disorder typically include an exaggerated sense of self-worth or self-importance, a need for constant admiration and attention, and a lack of empathy (Caligor, 2015).
Narcissistic personality disorder can look very different in different people and may manifest differently in different types and stages of relationships. Below are some signs that may indicate you may be in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Note that having one or two of these signs does not necessarily mean someone has narcissistic personality disorder, as it requires multiple symptoms to be present over a long period. Only trained mental health professionals can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, so if you notice these signs, seek professional help.
They shower you with affection, gifts, attention, and compliments early in the relationship (sometimes referred to as “love bombing”).
They constantly bring the conversation back to themselves.
They seem uninterested when you talk about yourself and don’t seem to be able to understand your feelings.
They use flattery and guilt to manipulate you when they want something.
They criticize you and belittle you in front of others.
They exaggerate their accomplishments and even outright lie about them.
They seek out praise and become whiny or critical when it’s not readily given.
They don’t admit when they’re wrong. They see disagreements as an opportunity to impose their point of view or teach you “the right way.” This can often be seen as a lecture.
They make you think you’re crazy, dramatic, or wrong when you’re upset with them (manipulation).
They are charming on a superficial level, and strangers/acquaintances are often drawn to them.
If you try to end the relationship, they initially try their best to get you back (sometimes referred to as “power grabbing”). If you leave the relationship, they become vindictive and seek revenge by spreading rumors, bringing up old debts alleged transgressions, or other similar tactics.
So, what can you do if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist? Perhaps the most important step is to determine what you can and can’t control. A narcissist can change with a lot of insight, self-reflection, and therapy. But this can be difficult, and you can’t control whether or not they change. However, you can decide what your boundaries are and what behaviors you’re willing to accept. When you set boundaries, stick to them, and remind yourself that their response to your boundaries is ultimately their choice. A therapist can help you set these boundaries and communicate them effectively. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may also notice that your self-esteem has dropped and that your support system is smaller than it used to be. If this is true for you, make it a priority to work on improving your self-esteem and surrounding yourself with people who build you up. Realizing your self-worth is crucial to breaking free from any toxic relationship.
