Key Points
Often, narcissistic parents see their child’s independence as a threat.
What distinguishes a narcissistic parent is their overarching tendency to deny their child’s independence.
The biggest signs of a narcissistic parent include emotional manipulation, lack of empathy, and neglect.
If my son doesn’t grow up to be a professional baseball player, I’m going to shoot him!
― Anonymous Father
“Aren’t you pretty? Aren’t you pretty? You’ll be pretty like my mom!”
― Anonymous Mother
“My father’s favorite responses to my opinions were, ‘But…’, ‘Actually…’, and ‘There’s more to it…’ He must always feel like he knows better.”
― Anonymous
A narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives in marginal competition with their children, possesses them, and/or participates in this competition. The narcissistic parent typically views the independence of the child (including adult children) as a threat and forces the child to live in the parent’s shadow, with unreasonable expectations. In a narcissistic parenting relationship, the child is rarely loved simply for being himself.
Many studies have been conducted on the subject of narcissistic parenting and its effects on children. It is important to distinguish between certain parent-focused tendencies and chronic narcissistic parenting. Many parents want to show off their children, have high expectations, may be strict at times (such as when a child is acting out), and want their children to make them proud. None of these traits alone constitute pathological narcissism. What distinguishes the narcissistic parent is their constant tendency to deny their children, even as they grow older, a sense of autonomy. Children exist only to serve the selfish needs and machinations of their parents.
How do you know if a parent might be a narcissist? Here are 10 telltale signs, with references from my books How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward Their Higher Self. While some parents may exhibit some of the following traits at one time or another, which may not be a big deal, a pathologically narcissistic parent tends to habitually live out many of the following personas while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned) of how these behaviors affect their offspring.*
- Using/Living Through the Child
Most parents want their children to succeed. However, some narcissistic parents set expectations not for the benefit of the child, but for the fulfillment of their own selfish needs and dreams. Instead of raising a child whose own thoughts, emotions, and goals are nurtured and valued, the offspring becomes merely an extension of the parent’s desires, with the child’s individuality diminished.
“My mother loved to dress me up in pretty dresses, even though I was naturally boyish. I think she felt that when I received compliments on my appearance, I looked good in retrospect. It boosted her self-esteem.”
― Anonymous
“You have opportunities I never had… After you become a doctor you can do whatever you want. Until then, do what I say!”
― Father to son in Dead Poets Society
- Marginalization
Some narcissistic parents feel threatened by their offspring’s potential, promise, and success, challenging the parent’s self-esteem. Consequently, the narcissistic mother or father may make a concerted effort to demean the child, so that the parent remains superior. Examples of this type of competitive marginalization include criticism, unreasonable judgment, criticism, unfavorable comparisons, invalidation of positive attitudes and emotions, and rejection of success and accomplishments.
Common themes throughout these insults are: “There’s always something wrong with you” and “You’ll never be good enough.” By lowering the offspring’s confidence, the narcissistic parent can reinforce their insecure self-esteem. “I begged my mother on the phone for lab fees for my college science class. She finally agreed to pay, but only after she said it was a waste of money for me.”
- Grandiosity and Superiority
Many narcissistic parents have an inflated, false self-image, with an arrogant sense of who they are and what they do. Often, the individuals around the narcissist are not treated as human beings, but rather as mere tools (objects) that can be used for personal gain. Some children of narcissistic parents are treated in the same way, while others are taught to have the same false superiority complex: “We are better than them.” However, this inflated sense of entitlement is based almost exclusively on superficial, selfish, and materialistic traps, achieved at the expense of your humanity, conscience, and connection to others. One becomes more “superior” by being less human.
- Superficial Image
Many narcissistic parents are closely associated with grandiosity, where they like to show others how “special” they are. They enjoy publicly displaying what they perceive to be their superior behavior, whether it be material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, connections in high positions, and/or a spouse or offspring. They go to great lengths to gain attention and flattery that will boost their ego.
For some narcissistic parents, social media is a wonderland where they regularly proclaim how great their lives are and how enviable they are. The underlying messages may be: “My/my life is so private and interesting,” and “Look at me—I have what you don’t have!”
“What my mother displays in public and how she is are completely different.”
—Anonymous
- Manipulation
Common examples of narcissistic manipulation include:
Guilt trip: “I’ve done everything for you and you’re so ungrateful.”
Blame: “It’s your fault I’m unhappy.”
Berate: “Your poor performance is an embarrassment to the family.”
Negative comparison: “Why can’t you be as good as your brother?”
Unreasonable pressure: “You will do your best to make me proud.”
Manipulative reward and punishment: “If you don’t pursue my chosen college major, I will cut off my support.”
Emotional coercion: “You are not a good daughter/son unless you live up to my expectations.”
A common theme running through these forms of manipulation is that love is given as a conditional reward, not the natural expression of healthy parenting. Withholding love, on the other hand, is used as a threat and punishment.
- Inflexible and sensitive
Some narcissistic parents are very strict when it comes to expected behaviors from their children. They regulate their offspring on small details and can become upset when there is deviation. Some narcissistic parents are also sensitive and easily provoked. The reasons for upsetting children can vary widely, from the child’s lack of interest and obedience to perceived mistakes and shortcomings to being with the parent at the wrong time, etc.
One reason for the rigidity and sensitivity of the parent is the desire to control the child. The narcissist responds negatively and disproportionately when he sees that the offspring will not always be under the strings.
“I hate it when you put the groceries on the checkout counter like that. I’ve told you before that I hate it!”
―Mother to her daughter at the supermarket
- Lack of Empathy
One of the most common manifestations of a narcissistic parent is the inability to pay attention to the child’s thoughts and feelings and to validate them as real and important. Only what the parent thinks and feels matters.
Children under this type of parental influence may respond over time with one of three survival instincts: They may resist and defend themselves. They may flee to create distance between themselves and their parents. Some may begin to freeze up and replace the unfit true self with a false (role-playing) persona, thus adopting narcissistic traits themselves.
- Codependency/Interdependence
Some narcissistic parents expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives. This type of dependence can be emotional, physical, and/or financial. While there is nothing inherently wrong with older parents being nurturing—it is an admirable trait—a narcissistic parent typically manipulates children into making unreasonable sacrifices, with little regard for the children’s priorities and needs.
“My mother (a single mother in her late 30s) expects me to support her financially on an ongoing basis. She says she can’t live without me.”
―Unknown College Student
Some narcissistic parents may also manipulate their adult children into becoming dependent on one another. Psychology professor Sean Byrne defines a codependent relationship as one in which “one partner’s assistance supports (enables) the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination, or poor mental or physical health.”
- Jealousy and Possessiveness
Because the narcissistic parent often hopes that the child will remain under the parent’s influence permanently, they may become extremely jealous of any signs of the child’s maturity and independence. Any act perceived as individualistic and separate, from choosing one’s own academic and career path to forming friendships not approved by the parent to spending time on one’s priorities, is interpreted negatively and personally (“Why are you doing this to me?”).
In particular, the appearance of a romantic partner in the adult child’s life may be seen as a major threat and is often met with rejection, criticism, and/or competition. In the eyes of some narcissistic parents, no romantic partner is good enough for their child, and no intruder could ever challenge them for control of their child.
“How dare this woman take my son away from me? Who does she think she is?”
― Anonymous
- Neglect
In some situations, the narcissistic parent may choose to focus primarily on their selfish interests, which the narcissist sees as more exciting than raising children. These activities may provide the narcissist with the stimulation, validation, and self-importance he or she craves, whether it be a career obsession, a social celebration, or personal adventures and hobbies. The child is left either to the other parent or alone.
“My husband is an absentee father. He’s always off doing something fun for himself, and he prefers to spend time with our child. He’s very selfish.”
