All narcissists fear revealing their insecurities, but overt and covert narcissists take very different paths to hide the emptiness that resides within them.
Overt narcissists, sometimes called “grandiose” narcissists, are the ones we typically think of when we imagine narcissists. Like a peacock, overt narcissists strut and flaunt, taking up physical and emotional space, and pretending to be larger than life.
Covert narcissists, sometimes called “vulnerable” or “covert” narcissists, are like ostriches with their heads in the sand. They try to blend in or fly under the radar, seeking to get their narcissistic needs met indirectly or covertly.
If you have narcissists in your life, it’s helpful to know the difference between these two styles. Both overt and covert narcissists can cause significant damage to relationships and groups, but because their styles vary, it’s helpful to know the best ways to deal with each type.
Narcissistic types also differ in how they seek attention and how they respond when they don’t get the attention they crave.
Overt narcissists will do anything to get the spotlight. When they don’t get attention, they may become angry and aggressive.
Covert narcissists also want admiration but seek it less directly. When they fail to get positive attention, they may feel abandoned and respond in indirect or subtle ways.
Covert narcissists can be harder to spot than overt narcissists. Covert narcissists may appear apologetic or humble, which may reflect their fear of rejection if they publicly seek admiration. Covert narcissists may also internally rage about how others treat them, but instead of showing their anger fully, they may respond with isolation, indirect complaints, or stubbornness.
There are other differences between how the two types of narcissists behave:
Overt narcissists vs. covert narcissists
Demanding vs. complaining
Braggers vs. demotivators
Arrogant vs. self-critical
Feeling naturally special vs. feeling special based on who they know
Acting superior vs. acting like a victim
Hogging the spotlight vs. treading the edge of the spotlight
Provoking conflict vs. avoiding direct conflict
Of course, many narcissists have a combination of these characteristics. To determine if someone might be a covert narcissist, check out this assessment of maladaptive covert narcissism or read physical therapy blogger Julie Hall’s covert narcissism checklist.
Hall’s signs of covert narcissism include pathological fear, gossiping, judging quietly, enjoying other people’s misfortunes, and denying their anger.
Dealing with, working with, or negotiating with narcissists can be difficult and risky. Often, the best way to deal with difficult or dangerous narcissists is to walk away. But if you have to deal with a narcissist, you may want to tailor your approach to whether you’re dealing with an overt or covert narcissist. For example:
- If You’re Seeking More Cooperation
With overt narcissists: Ask yourself how you can enlist their cooperation in ways that make them feel like they’ve gotten more attention, respect, a better image, or won.
With covert narcissists: Ask yourself how you can enlist their cooperation in ways that make them feel more liked, accepted, and trusted.
- If You’re Being Humiliated or Undermined
With overt narcissists: Let them know that their treatment doesn’t feel respectful and that your disrespect will interfere with your ability to help them achieve their goals.
With covert narcissists: Let them know that they’re making it hard for you to care about them and that caring about them is crucial if you’re going to help them get what they want.
- If You’re Feeling Used or Manipulated
Covert narcissists: Recognize their overwhelming need to feel in control, special, and the center of attention. Then figure out how to meet those needs while maintaining your boundaries and dignity.
Covert narcissists: Recognize their overwhelming need to avoid feeling inadequate, helpless, or wrong. Then figure out how to avoid triggering these feelings while setting healthy boundaries and maintaining your dignity.
