Key Points
The exhibitionist narcissistic mother craves attention and will always manage to make things go around her. She may do this gracefully or with humor.
The exhibitionist narcissistic mother may have cognitive empathy, but not emotional empathy.
Exhibitionist narcissistic mothers pressure their children to be perfect because they cannot separate their self-image from their children.
When I listen to some of my clients talk about how their mothers treated them, I sometimes hear an almost textbook description of the classic exhibitionist narcissist. Often, my clients do not realize that many of their horrific childhood memories and low self-esteem may be due to their mothers having Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
One can think of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as an adaptation to a childhood situation that left the person with unstable self-esteem and low empathy. These children grow up to be adults who lack what psychologists call “whole object relationships.” This means that they are unable to see themselves and others coherently and stably as simultaneously possessing a mixture of good and bad, lovable and disliked qualities. Instead, they alternate between loving and hating or idealizing and devaluing.
As parents, when a child makes them feel good about themselves, they will only have positive feelings toward the child. When a child upsets them in any way, they will only have negative feelings toward the child. As their feelings shift, their view of their child also shifts. Narcissistic parents also see themselves in this limited, binary way: either special, unique, and perfect, or they are worthless, flawed trash.
Child Abuse and Object Constancy
Narcissistic parents also lack “object constancy.” This means that when they feel disappointed, hurt, or angry with their child, they immediately lose touch with all their positive feelings toward the child and now see the child as very bad and deserving of punishment.
A great deal of the child abuse we read about is due to a lack of “object constancy.” If parents have “objective constancy,” it helps them manage their angry and punitive impulses. They can remember that while they are angry or disappointed with their child, they still love him and do not want to hurt him.
The Effect of Parental Narcissism on a Child’s Self-Image
If you were raised by narcissistic parents, you are unlikely to develop a stable, integrated, and realistic self-image. This is because we are biologically programmed to develop a large part of our self-image through how our caregivers treat us. This is similar to how we learn to speak whatever language the people around us speak.
A narcissistic parent can only project onto the child distorted and biased views of how they see the child—and these views of the child can change rapidly as the parent’s mood changes. This effect can be mitigated if there are loving, stable adults around the child who view the child in a realistic and positive light. This could be a non-narcissistic parent, loving grandparents, aunts and uncles, or even close family friends.
7 Signs of an Exhibitionist Narcissistic Mother
After listening to hundreds of my clients talk to me about their mothers, I have come to realize that those who were raised by exhibitionist narcissistic mothers describe the same seven types of issues over and over again.
If you can relate to the following examples, and these seven issues played a big role in your childhood, it may be a sign that you were also raised by an exhibitionist narcissistic mother. Hopefully, you don’t recognize many of them.
- She Needs to Be the Center of Attention
Like all exhibitionist narcissists, the exhibitionist narcissistic mother craves attention. Somehow, no matter who’s talking or what’s happening, she’ll always find a way to make it about her. She may do this gracefully with humor and a funny story, or by suddenly interrupting an ongoing conversation and changing the subject.
Related : Is Your Mother a Narcissist?
Example: A mother like this visited her daughter in the hospital. Her daughter was recovering from major surgery. Instead of focusing on her daughter, she began flirting with the doctors and talking to the people visiting the patient in the next bed. She was shocked when her daughter later told her how much pain and abandonment she was feeling. The mother was so focused on the good time she was having that it never occurred to her that her daughter might feel differently.
- She has low emotional empathy
An interesting feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or “adjustment,” as I prefer to call it) is that a narcissist typically does not “feel” what other people are feeling. A narcissistic mother may have “cognitive empathy” (that is, she may be able to intellectually understand that some of her behaviors might be causing her child pain), but without “emotional empathy,” she has little incentive to care. Her perception of emotional pain only goes one way. If you inadvertently cause her even the slightest bit of emotional pain, she is likely to react in a very exaggerated way, while completely ignoring the pain she is causing you.
Example: When John Carol’s mother celebrated her birthday, she expected everyone around her to make a fuss: to give her thoughtful birthday cards, buy her presents, take her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant, and generally make her whole day extra special. When John turned ten, he woke up all excited, wondering what special surprise his mother had planned for him: Would he get the bike he asked for? Would there be an ice cream cake? Unfortunately, Carol had been so busy all week that she completely forgot about John’s upcoming birthday and didn’t even get him a gift or a card. When John acted disappointed, his mother felt critical and instead of apologizing, she snapped at him and said, “Stop acting like a baby! You’re too old for special gifts anyway.” John’s father, David (who has “emotional empathy”), had assumed that his wife was the one planning the birthday. When he saw how hurt and disappointed John was, he quickly stepped in to try to save the day for John. He took John and his sister to a local amusement park and had ice cream, while his wife stayed home, angry. That night after the kids go to bed, Carol berates her husband for making her look bad.
- She dominates the house and uses devaluation to get her way
Everyone in the family tends to revolve around the desires of the exhibitionist narcissistic mother. Everything has to be her way because she feels she deserves it. People do what she wants because when they don’t, she gets angry, belittles them, and generally makes life miserable for everyone until they give in. She will continue to belittle anyone who challenges her and when she does, she hits below the belt. It’s not uncommon for a child who doesn’t please this type of mother to be told, “A man will never marry you because you’re too fat,” or “You’ll never be anything because you’re a worthless fool!”
Because the exhibitionist narcissistic mother sees her surroundings as a reflection of her status in life, it may be very important to her that the home be decorated the way she wants it and cleaned and maintained to the best of her ability. Conversely, if she is the type who does not particularly care about whether her surroundings are clean and organized, she will be indifferent to her family’s pleas to take more care of the home. Usually, she has managed to marry a man who will allow her to run the house and the children as she pleases.
Example: Bob remembers that he was never allowed to have friends over because his mother was afraid they would spill something on the carpet or ruin her furniture. His mother was more focused on making the house look perfect than the rest of the family enjoying themselves at home. One of his earliest memories is of being yelled at and told that he was a “stupid, stupid idiot” when he accidentally spilled his milk on the kitchen table.
- She Acts Selfishly
The needs and interests of the exhibitionist narcissistic mother always come first. If she works outside the home or is heavily involved in hobbies, everything else in the family will come second. She may not think twice about leaving her children behind when she takes long trips for work. She usually doesn’t bother to plan the details of how they will be cared for in her absence. She assumes that she has the right to go and that someone else in the family will do whatever is necessary to make it possible. Or she may return to school while her children are young without seriously considering how her absence will affect them or her husband. She expects everyone to be as enthusiastic about her plans for herself as she is. If anyone in the family objects or points out how her plans will negatively affect them, she is deeply offended and is likely to call them “selfish.” Because the narcissistic mother is so selfish, she is often oblivious to her children’s real needs. If she loves to see them dressed up, she may spend a lot of time and money buying them clothes; she ignores their pleas to play with them or listen to them practice the piano. Her constant focus on her agenda may lead her family to view her as cold or uninterested in theirs.
Example: Carly was about three years old when her single mother decided to leave her with her grandmother for a month to go hiking in Nepal. Carly remembers being afraid that her mother would never come back. Carly was too young to understand what a month meant and cried for days. When her mother suddenly showed up one day to take her home, Carly started crying and ran to her and clung to her leg. Her mother got angry and told her, “Stop being a baby!”
- She Expects Her Children to Be Perfect
The exhibitionist narcissistic mother expects her children to be perfect in the world and feels disappointed and angry when they do not live up to her expectations. This is because she cannot separate her internal image of herself (what object relations theorists call “self-representation”) from her internal image of her children. As a result, when her child fails, she feels bad about herself. Likewise, when her children fail, she feels good about herself. It’s like their image and hers are intertwined in her mind (what object relations theorists call “integrated representations of self and object”) and their boundaries are porous. This often leads to her putting a lot of pressure on her children to be perfect and special, and a lot of yelling, punishment, and withdrawal of love when they don’t live up to her expectations.
Related : The Struggles of Sons of Narcissistic Mothers
The exhibitionist narcissistic mother may choose one of her children as her favorite and devalue the other. In some families, she may change her favorites at will. Children are often pitted against each other: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
- She’s moody and will make a fuss when things aren’t her way
The exhibitionist narcissistic mother can be very moody. She may be happy and warm with her family when she feels special and the center of admiration, and then suddenly turn angry and negative the moment things don’t go her way. She’s hypersensitive to anything she perceives as an insult, and will immediately respond in a way that is completely disproportionate to what happened.
She is also likely to devalue anyone who disagrees with her. She cannot recognize that there may be different and equally valid ways of perceiving a situation. When her children or spouse disagree with her point of view, she takes it as a personal criticism. She is likely to lash out angrily as if she has been personally attacked. She may try to bully everyone into accepting her point of view and they may give in and agree just to restore peace.
- They may be overly intrusive
Because these mothers need a lot of attention and validation to maintain a positive self-image and do not feel that their children are truly separate beings, they often interfere in their children’s lives inappropriately. Sometimes they become overly involved in their children’s projects or schoolwork, doing too much of the work themselves and taking too much of the credit. This can take many forms.
Some examples: Lydia’s mother took all the credit for her success as an actress in the school play by insisting that the costume she made for her was responsible for Lydia’s success. Another narcissisticistic mother took over her son Mike’s science fair project and did most of it while he watched. Her son wanted to do it himself, but his mother told him that it was too important a project for him to do alone. The message Mike got was that he was not qualified to do anything really important. He also got the message that honesty was less important than doing well.
Related : Getting Over a Narcissistic Mother
As children get older, these mothers may try to be friends with their children’s friends—one of the group instead of the mother. They may feel left out if their child prefers to be with their friends rather than with them. Instead of seeing their child’s growing independence as a sign of maturity and health, they may become angry because they feel less important. They may try to regain the spotlight by doing inappropriate things, such as flirting with their teen friends. They may also want to know inappropriate things about their teen’s romantic liaisons and feel insulted when the teen wants some privacy.
Example: Joshua starts dating a girl, and his mother worries that he will get her pregnant and ruin his life. She uses this concern to justify secretly going through his things to see if she can find any evidence that he is sexually active. When she finds pornography and condoms hidden in his room, she confronts him and wants to know the details of his sex life. She is unable to acknowledge Joshua’s right to some privacy.
Bottom line: Exhibitionist narcissistic mothers tend to be very predictable. The details may vary, but the selfishness, fickleness, and lack of empathy remain the same.
