You know at least one narcissist or manipulator in your workplace. In my book, Manipulation: Identifying Emotionally Abusive and Manipulative People—and Breaking Free , I devote an entire chapter to how these professional manipulators can turn your workplace (and you) upside down. A narcissist or manipulator is a coworker or manager who:
Take credit for your hard work
Gives you backhanded compliments
Mocks you in front of your coworkers
Blames you for everything
Knows your weaknesses and exploits them
Actively tries to demote or fire you
Lies to get ahead
Seems like they’re competing with everyone else to be the “best” at work
Spreads rumors about you and denies doing so when confronted
Sabotages your work
Presses you to do something unethical
Is jealous of your accomplishments instead of congratulating you
Their modus operandi is the same—they want to look good and be seen as the best, even if it means putting others down.
The narcissist will do anything to make them look better. While everyone at work is initially impressed or looks up to the narcissist, they eventually see through the narcissist’s game. Eventually, the narcissist runs out of people to sabotage or blame—until a new employee comes along. Everyone has learned to distance themselves. At this point, the narcissist has already done a lot of damage.
So how do you protect yourself from a narcissist in your workplace? Here are some tips. (Note: If you have any questions about your legal rights in the workplace, consult an attorney.)
Get everything in writing. If you receive verbal instructions at work, ask for them to be emailed to you. Your best defense is to have documentation of what the narcissist said and when. Better yet, if the instructions come directly from the narcissist via email. You can also write down the narcissist’s instructions and review your notes with them to make sure they’re accurate. Consider keeping written documentation of your problems with the narcissist—the date and time of the incident, what happened, and as many verbatim (accurate) quotes as possible. If you need to consult with an attorney or management later, you’ll have everything in writing.
Avoid fighting. The narcissist is looking for ways to bring you down—whether it’s by demoting you or firing you. Avoid giving them that opportunity. Narcissists are notorious for finding your weak spots and exploiting them. This means they seem to have a special power to figure out what makes other people tick. Then they use that as ammunition against you. Let’s say the narcissist knows you have children (you’ve mentioned your children to your coworkers and have pictures of them in your cubicle—normal office stuff). If the narcissist feels you’ve “hurt” them in some way, they may make a comment loud enough for you to hear, questioning your ability to be a good parent. This comment will have nothing to do with the issue at hand—the narcissist just knows that questioning your biggest role in life will trigger and anger you. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Consider that this person is sick—and then with all your might… walk away. Then document the date, time, location, and direct quotes from this interaction. Realize that it’s not personal. You may have the misfortune of being the narcissist’s primary target. The narcissist will often focus on people who are doing better than them at work, or who have a good group of friends at work. The narcissist hates anyone who is perceived as “better” than them. Keep in mind that the narcissist’s behavior toward you has nothing to do with you—it has to do with them, and their deep-seated insecurities. Yes, it’s true, the narcissist is deeply insecure—even though it seems like the opposite. Realizing that the narcissist’s behavior isn’t a personal attack can make it easier to walk away.
Don’t offer personal information or opinions to the narcissist. The narcissist is known for the classic question, “What do you think of [coworker]?” Beware of this trap. If you offer any answer, the narcissist will twist what you said and tell that coworker. Even if you say, “I think Sally is great,” the narcissist may tell Sally that you think she’s great, but she needs a lot of improvement. The narcissist is an emotional vampire, and they can sense when people are going through a rough patch. If you share personal information, like the fact that you’re going through a divorce, you can see the narcissist light up with this new information. The best defense? Change the subject. Walk away. Anything but give the information.
Related : Can A Relationship With A Narcissist Ever Work? New Study Says Maybe
Get a witness. If your narcissistic coworker says he or she needs to talk to you alone, consider bringing someone with you as a witness. Having a witness may make the narcissist think twice before saying or doing something. Having a witness also means that if the narcissist tells a lie about you or interacts with you, you have someone who saw the events and can back you up. Avoid contact. This is an effective step, but it can be one of the hardest to take. One of the best ways to avoid playing into the narcissist’s games is to refuse to interact with them. Sure, they may be in the room next to you. If you must interact with them, keep your information to “facts only.” See point 4 for why you might want to stick to facts and not express opinions. If working with the narcissist affects you, consider requesting a different location on the same building or floor. If you have any questions about your rights in this regard, consult an attorney.
Know your legal rights. Sometimes narcissists can do enough without it being illegal—they know what they’re doing. However, they often end up crossing that legal line. It’s important to know your legal rights in the workplace—especially if the narcissist is your boss. There’s a power differential here—and the narcissist may use it to their advantage. According to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), an employer generally isn’t allowed to discriminate against you or treat you differently based on age (if you’re 40 or older), race, creed, national origin, disability, genetic information, or sex (this includes sexual orientation, gender identity, and pregnancy). The EEOC also states that an employer generally isn’t allowed to make your working conditions so intolerable that a reasonable person would find it impossible to stay. The EEOC can provide you with more information about your rights. Rules can vary by employer.
Harassment is also a violation of your rights as an employee, according to the EEOC. This includes being harassed for reporting violations by your employer. You can learn more on the EEOC website. The EEOC website also provides steps it recommends if you feel your rights are being violated. In addition, there are labor attorneys you can consult.
