This is the first in a series. Names have been changed to protect individuals’ privacy.
“There is nothing more deceptive than the appearance of modesty,” Darcy said. “It is often just a neglect of opinion, and sometimes a disinterested boast.” —Jane Austen
Jane was stunned. Breakfast had quickly escalated from a small disagreement about her husband’s failure to follow through with her to his harsh, hurtful remarks: “No wonder your mother gave you up.” “I was single when I met you; no one could stand you.”
His words cut through her body. She took a deep breath to stop herself from crying. Dan stared menacingly at her. He told her she needed therapy, not very gently. Jane resisted the urge to reason with him, confessing that she no longer loved him and asking for a divorce. She braced herself for more insults but instead hoped to be ignored. Dan chose to ignore and leave the apartment.
Over the next few days, Jane vacillated between fear and relief. She had looked forward to leaving the man her husband had become after the birth of their son; yet the statistics of child abuse in blended families haunted and paralyzed her.
The following weekend, they were eating dinner in silence when Dan said, “I’m sorry, honey. Please don’t leave me.” He took full responsibility for his cruel behavior and, tearfully, asked for a chance to “grow out of the man I had become after an abusive childhood.” He even agreed to go to marriage counseling. Jane was grateful for Dan’s apparent humility. The couple contacted several counselors and were scheduled to meet with one in a month.
Related : 4 Steps to Leave a Narcissist
When the counselor introduced the couple to Imago exercises, Dan’s voluntary participation gave Jane hope. She began to believe that they would soon have the intimacy and friendship she longed for. Her heart would race every time her husband looked her in the eye and held her hand. Jane remembered his tendency to jump from emotion to anger when she dared to disagree with him, but she wanted therapy to work, so she continued to push through the discomfort and attributed her discomfort to her resentment.
The couple continued their weekly sessions; they reminisced about happier times and reflected on the current state of the relationship. Dan began sharing how he “really felt” about their marriage, while Jane listened, often in disbelief, as he criticized her. For the first couple of months, she resisted the urge to jump off the couch and scream, “Liar!” Instead, she held back her reactions; she didn’t want to be seen as argumentative and proving her husband right. As Jane listened to her husband’s list of complaints, she noticed that her mind was wandering; she was disconnected from reality. Marriage counseling was making her feel bad.
How Narcissists Sabotage Marriage Counseling
Narcissists bring their maladaptive behaviors to every aspect of their lives. In a therapy setting, responsibility for the poor state of the relationship is assumed to be shared, making the narcissist’s focus on himself and his behaviors particularly corrosive. Sometimes, these behaviors actively sabotage therapy.
They deceive and lie. By telling half-truths, narcissists lead the therapist to believe the false truths they have imposed on their partner. “Dan told our therapist that I spend my days cleaning every nook and cranny of the house, and that I expect him to do the same on his days off from work,” Jane said. “He made me sound like I had OCD or control issues, and he’s a counselor so he knew exactly what to say to raise these flags.” “What he didn’t tell her is that our son and I are both extremely allergic to dust so I have to vacuum everything once a week. While my husband sleeps, I wake up at 6:30 a.m. to deal with a pile of chores. I haven’t slept a day since our son was born. I’m practically a single mom juggling a full-time job and a toddler; but worse, he expects me to cook every night and clean up after him. Of course I get annoyed when he leaves his dirty cups all over the house. That’s not OCD; I just feel exploited.”
They push their partner’s buttons to make them seem irrational. Denial is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism for narcissists. They may deflect, deny, and shift blame to protect and reinforce the false reality that their partner is the problem.
They deflect and evade accountability. Narcissists aim to steer the conversation away from the real issue at hand, by any means necessary. “I felt like I was losing my mind. He would tell me one version of the truth in private and a completely different version in therapy. Once, Jane said, we were hiking in the woods when he shared that he had never learned how to validate and comfort others; his father would ignore or ridicule his mother if she started crying during an argument. We agreed to bring this up in therapy, but when I did, my husband claimed I was exaggerating. “According to him, I was remembering wrong and he had shared a much simpler version of the story. The therapist believed it. The session turned into a lecture on how to deal with each other without falling into psychoanalysis.
“After a month of couples counseling, I told my husband that if he kept lying, I would leave. He admitted that he was “afraid of being diagnosed with something.” He never admitted it, so I stopped scheduling our sessions. I wasn’t going to put myself on a waiting list for more manipulation.
