Key Points
Emotional intelligence abilities are an advantage in relationships with others who share their emotional intelligence.
With a narcissist, two emotional intelligence traits may be manipulated early in a relationship.
Self-awareness may be exploited when they insist that you look at yourself through their distorted lens.
The ability to take perspective may be exploited when the narcissist refuses to entertain their partner.
Self-awareness and the ability to look from a different perspective are emotional intelligence abilities. While these are healthy tendencies that allow us to maintain close relationships with others who also share these strengths, they can also be easily manipulated by a narcissist early in a relationship. Knowing how a narcissist exploits these strengths can help you protect your self-esteem and mental health.
The ability to look in the mirror gives you an awareness of how your actions and words affect others. It also allows you to own your role in a conflict. These abilities tend to make you accountable and trustworthy in the context of personal relationships. Typically, you are someone who looks at yourself, and therefore takes responsibility for a selfish moment or mistake in the relationship. Admitting a mistake, correcting it, and gaining insight into yourself so you don’t repeat it can make you a more reliable and emotionally secure person in most relationships.
Related : Why Narcissists Hate to Feel They Owe Something to Anyone
Conversely, narcissists often lack the ability to truly self-reflect. They are often unaware of how their words and behaviors affect others because they don’t look inward. Instead, they quickly shift blame outward, exonerating themselves. The cognitive distortions involved in this dynamic are significant and allow narcissists to position themselves as the victim in many scenarios where they are actually the abuser. They distort reality to escape the discomfort of self-consciousness and then feel justified in pointing fingers at someone else.
Because of their cognitive distortions, a narcissist views the world through a fragmented lens, which means they also view you from that perspective. Because of your natural tendency to self-reflect and take a different perspective, you may unknowingly begin to view yourself through the narcissist’s skewed lens. Suddenly, you begin to see yourself negatively—just as they do. Your identity may suffer as a result, and you may feel profound shame. Because you are low on confidence and filled with self-doubt, your performance and focus may suffer, which can lead to additional anxiety. In this case, it is important to try to refrain from viewing yourself through the lens of the narcissist.
Perspective-taking is another strength of emotional intelligence that a narcissist can manipulate. You may be someone who is open to being wrong, even if it’s unpleasant. You strive to be a better person and resolve conflict with your loved one, so you’re able to suspend your opinion for a few moments in order to consider your loved one’s point of view. You value the relationship more than you value being right, so you’re willing to see things from another angle. This tendency often allows you to authentically understand your loved one and resolve conflict by identifying a compromise or solution that satisfies everyone. Even when you don’t agree with their point of view, your ability to simply communicate and understand their perspective allows your loved one to feel that their voice is heard and respected. Or, on the other hand, narcissists believe that they are always right. Their egos may be too fragile to risk being wrong, so they defend against it by constantly asserting their own point of view. Essentially, to them, being right is more important than anything else. They often repeat their own viewpoint in an aggressive manner, so talking to them can feel like hitting your head against a brick wall.
The problem here is that you may be seeing things from the narcissist’s perspective, but they rarely consider your perspective authentically. This means that the narcissist’s reality may be in your head, but your own reality is automatically rejected in theirs. Over the months, this experience can make you feel “crazy.” It can be especially difficult to stick to your beliefs when the narcissist insists that they are right. The narcissist’s distorted viewpoint gains more power in the relationship, thus giving them more control.
Knowledge is power, and education about how the narcissist manipulates your emotional intelligence tendencies is a must if you are an emotionally intelligent person.
