Before exploring the relationship between narcissism and aversion to feeling emotionally indebted to others, it is important to first note that narcissism, a set of specific personality traits, exists on a spectrum.
While one person may exhibit some of the traits, another may meet the criteria for the full-blown disorder, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
NPD includes several criteria, such as excessive reference to others to define oneself and regulate one’s self-esteem, exaggerated self-evaluation, goal-setting based on gaining approval from others, unreasonably high personal standards to see oneself as exceptional or extremely low based on a sense of entitlement, lack of awareness of one’s own motivations, and largely superficial relationships that exist in the service of regulating one’s self-esteem.
The latter criteria are crucial in considering how the disordered personality affects those closest to the narcissist: in the mind of the narcissist, they exist and earn their place by serving and supporting the narcissist. (Note that pronouns can be used interchangeably.)
To understand the impact that narcissism has on others, the most useful word is “counterintuitive.” Specifically, the way a narcissist appears on the surface is very different from the way a narcissist feels underneath.
Conventional wisdom suggests that a narcissist has an obvious ego, or an inflated sense of self, as if the narcissist truly believes that he or she is inherently special and superior to others. However, the irony of the narcissist is that the bragging, or pretense of superiority, is merely a facade.
Related : Narcissistic Friends: What’s the Attraction?
Psychologically, the outward display of superiority reflects a combination of defense mechanisms created and maintained to defend against feelings of insecurity, embarrassment, self-consciousness, or even shame that arise when the narcissist feels vulnerable, exposed, or threatened.
Narcissism is clearly closely linked to a sense of entitlement. The narcissist’s belief that he or she is inherently deserving of extra attention and special treatment requires others to acknowledge how special and superior he or she is. When others support the narcissist’s specialness, his or her beliefs about his or her superiority and worth are reinforced.
However, if the narcissist does not receive the special treatment he or she craves (what clinicians call “narcissistic supply”), the narcissist cannot tolerate the feelings that are generated by perceived humiliation or rejection. In other words, without others’ attention, the narcissist is like a car without a key; it simply cannot run as expected.
Despite the outward appearance, colloquially, of being in love with himself or herself, the narcissist’s ego is actually a house of cards that collapses if others are not there to support him or her and continually reinforce how special he or she is. Although narcissists resist showing how much they need validation from others, they are deeply and dynamically insecure, and trying to prove their worth to others requires a lot of mental work (constant vigilance and guarding how others see them). Although they can never bring themselves to admit it, they are highly dependent on others, and what they do depend on is attention, validation, and approval.
A recent session with a client highlighted one of the hallmarks of narcissism—an intolerance of feeling emotionally grateful to others—which is not as often talked about as the factor of self-importance (in layman’s terms, having a big ego). My client talked about how he got into a fight with a friend after my client watched the other man’s dog for a week. When the man later did not thank my client for watching the dog, his friend, who was a narcissist, became defensive and reactive.
He explained, “You didn’t have to watch my dog. I thought you wanted to spend time with my dog!” (Read: The narcissist tells himself that he was doing the other a favor by letting him watch his dog for a week, as if a friend should feel privileged to be able to do such a favor for the narcissist.) To most people, how someone could turn the tables and not show gratitude for watching the dog for a week would be shocking. But this kind of manipulation is part and parcel of the narcissistic personality.
As my client thought more about his friend’s reaction, I highlighted how his friend was really trying to disrupt the idea that he owed my client anything or was in some way indebted. On a common sense level, the narcissist’s behavior can be very confusing, and my client felt confused. Psychologically, the narcissist’s thinking requires a special lens to understand, because perception is distorted and illogical.
Aside from the narcissist’s biological drive for survival, the narcissist’s primary psychological drive is to satisfy his extreme psychological needs for attention and validation. The effect of this drive on those in close relationships with the narcissist is that the narcissist is unable to meet the social expectations of fairness and equality that most adults accept as the basis of social relationships. The narcissist, because of his deep-seated insecurity, is so intent on being recognized as special by others that he is able to focus on the feelings and needs of those with whom he is in relationships.
The possibility of a mutually satisfying relationship with the narcissist is dim because he fundamentally does not believe in equality in relationships and can only tolerate being in a position of greater control. Acknowledging that someone has done something nice for the narcissist is seen by the narcissist as a potential leverage—a chess piece—that can later be used against him in some way.
In this context, it is clear how emotionally insecure and distrustful the narcissist’s mental life (clinically, the inner world) is, and how challenging the possibility of a good relationship, a consistent, positive, mutual relationship, is.
