Narcissists have an uncanny ability to quickly evoke a sense of admiration and positive energy upon first meeting. It’s only with time that we realize that their dark side runs much deeper than their superficial appearance suggests.

Traits of a Narcissistic Friend

Conversations always end up around them. Always. Even if you start the discussion around something going on in your own life, narcissists can hijack the topic and shift it back to their own experiences, opinions, or needs before you can even catch your breath.

Whenever you want to share a struggle or challenge you’re facing, a narcissist will typically offer some level of empathy, but will quickly launch into a monologue about a) how their problems are bigger or more unusual, or b) how they solved a similar problem in the past and how everything turned out great thanks to their brilliance or skill.

There’s no fun in asking a narcissist for help unless you want to belittle or minimize your problem or you enjoy hearing how great your friend is when she recounts how easy it was for her to solve a similar problem. If you’re looking for help, stay away — unless there’s a chance the narcissist will be able to come out as the hero of the challenge. Then step away and let your friend come to your rescue—but be prepared to constantly show appreciation for their help and acknowledge how grateful you are for them until you eventually part ways as friends.

Not only do narcissists have high opinions of themselves, they openly assume that everyone else has high opinions of them, too. Being a narcissist’s helper isn’t much fun when you have to play the sycophant or admirer 24/7 when you’re together. The narcissist doesn’t understand that friendships aren’t built on the master/servant or superstar/superfan model, unfortunately. The natural flow of “reciprocal” friendships is completely beyond the narcissist’s understanding. It’s not that she really wants to alienate potential friends—she may not even realize what she’s doing.

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Narcissists also expect their “friends” to be willing to shine the spotlight on the narcissist, no matter how great their performance or personality is. The narcissist’s friend’s main job is to make the narcissist look good—even when they’re not. This can be exhausting and requires you to learn how to suppress your need for appreciation or attention in order to keep the spotlight on your narcissistic friend.

Why Don’t We Run Before We Get Into Too Much?

I counseled a very level-headed person, Mindy, who realized after a few months of friendship that this type of relationship was not going to benefit Mindy in any way. Mindy initially thought her friend was just a bit “weird.” Over time, she began to realize that it wasn’t just some annoying quirks that were causing friction, but that Mindy’s friend was a narcissist and her “quirks” were actually integral aspects of her personality. Once the previously naive Mindy lost her naivety about what was going on, she tried desperately to break up with her narcissistic acquaintance. Unfortunately, it didn’t work at first. “I tried to break up with her three times, only to find myself drawn back to guilt trips and reminiscing about the ‘good times’ we had,” she says. Narcissists crave attention and become experts at reading other people’s needs so that they can position themselves as the best person they can be around. Until the other person realizes that the narcissist is simply not someone they would want to be around at all.

When people grow up in relatively toxic environments (perhaps physical abuse, substance abuse, or untreated mental illness was present in their homes growing up), they may actually seek out relationships that most of us would consider truly toxic because that type of relationship is what is actually “comfortable” for that person. It is truly tragic to see someone knowingly choose to maintain an unhealthy relationship when they know in their heart that they deserve a truly supportive, respectful, and mutually fulfilling relationship.

Others may find themselves unwittingly sucked into a toxic relationship and not know how to get out of it. In the painful cycle of relational abuse, the abuser/user has the power to convince the relational partner that they actually “deserve” the poor treatment. When a person has been in the cycle of abuse long enough, they may develop the belief that their behavior is responsible for the toxicity in the relationship.

While being friends with a narcissist is not quite the same as being in an abusive relationship, there can be a similar dynamic where the narcissist is able to back down on a friend who is trying to break up with them. Narcissists can be master manipulators who are driven solely by the need to gain power through any means possible that allows them to appear good on the surface even if they cause invisible psychological wounds.

Narcissists are often fun to deal with at first – they simply play on their audience to gain their applause. However, once the audience realizes that they have fallen into an unsatisfying relationship, they may actually believe that they can “help” the narcissist “change.” There is one truth about changing someone else’s behavior – it is simply impossible to get someone else to change if they are unwilling to do so. Unfortunately, narcissists are unable to understand that they may even need to change how they treat others and the world as a whole.

How to Escape?

Cutting ties with a narcissistic friend can be very energy-consuming in this day and age of electronic communication and 24/7 access to communication. Mindy feels that even though it had been months since she had seen her ex, the breakup was not easy. “After this incident, I proceeded to cut her out of my life completely, ignoring her calls and texts, and blocking her on Facebook. This only caused her to creep up on friends who had limited contact with her. She showed up at my work a few times, asked some of my friends to text me on her behalf, etc. In hindsight, I should have handled the breakup with more grace and expressed my reasons to her.”

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While Mindy’s regret about how the breakup was carried out comes from a very kind-hearted place (a space that narcissists initially target), it is unlikely that expressing her feelings would have softened the end of the friendship. There is no real way to leave a narcissist feeling “let down easily” if rejection of any kind was involved.

Always remember…

Don’t let a toxic relationship drag on too long. Don’t delay the inevitable; it usually gets harder the longer you wait, like taking a Band-Aid to get off a wound.

“Ignoring” and “being too busy” are always controversial ways to end a relationship.

If it’s a friend you only communicate with via social media or text, it may be possible to get rid of them without too much drama, but that’s the only time it’s acceptable.

Almost everyone knows that when someone complains that they’re “too busy” to catch up with them, they mean “you’re not on my list of best people.” Don’t hide behind your job, family, or other obligations. Remember, if you’re too convincing with excuses, you’re setting yourself up to deal with future efforts to keep someone’s name off your social calendar.

If you’re going to talk about a friendship breakup directly, always carefully weigh the “breakup” statement and make it about you, not them. Use “I statements” and acknowledge your feelings. Honesty can be a final parting gift to your friend who may soon be leaving you, and it can benefit her in the long run.

Avoid collateral damage as much as possible. If other friends feel the need to take a stand, reach out to them as soon as possible so that potentially difficult social situations can be avoided, if possible. In the case of mutual friends, be prepared for some losses.

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To avoid this type of relationship in the future, always remember to trust your instincts. If a relationship seems too good to be true, it’s a warning sign that the new person in your life may be playing a role they know will attract you. Give this relationship and person some space and time—don’t go overboard and become “best friends overnight” or start an “exclusive dating relationship” before you really get to know someone.

The people who often turn out to be the most toxic relationship partners are often extraordinary at playing the role you need them to play at the beginning of the relationship. Keep your eyes open and be aware of your own feelings. We can’t always predict the future with certainty, but our instincts have an incredibly high accuracy rate when it comes to our own interests.