Key Points
A narcissist may be charming and polite, but only with people who are “important.”
A lack of conscience toward others in close proximity may indicate narcissistic tendencies.
An unconscious belief that he or she is entitled to the treatment he or she demands may indicate selfishness. A narcissist often derives satisfaction from publicly berating others.
A narcissist is often charming, but he or she may do three things in public that reveal narcissistic tendencies. First, a narcissist is often polite, but only with people he or she believes are “important.” Second, a narcissist often lacks conscience. Third, he or she tends to expect the outside world to revolve around him or her. Although a person may occasionally and accidentally display one of these tendencies, they are only indicative of narcissism when they are routine and pervasive.
A person with strong narcissistic tendencies typically ranks people on a hierarchy of money, status, or power. Rather than viewing others as equal human beings, the narcissist unconsciously categorizes people according to wealth, power, or popularity. Because of this viewpoint, the narcissist may be less kind to people he or she considers “less important.”
For example, a narcissist offers a warm “thank you” to a restaurant owner when he or she shows him or her a table but ignores a bus boy who clears a plate or fills a glass of water. Additionally, he or she may hold the door for a wealthy person but allow it to be closed for an “average” person. These behaviors may seem casual, but if the routine inconsistencies persist, they may indicate superficial tendencies.
A lack of awareness of others may also indicate selfishness. But in this case, the self-absorption does not arise from a stressful moment or a need to “hold back” for the sake of self-preservation, but rather from a general lack of conscience. For example, a young woman finds a seat on a crowded train.
She stretches out, pushing her bags into the space next to her, and indirectly provokes another passenger. Her phone slips out of her hand and lands on a pregnant woman’s foot. Instead of apologizing and offering her seat to the pregnant woman, she carefully checks her phone, oblivious to the inconvenience she is causing others.
A latent sense of entitlement is also present within the narcissist. This feeling is manifested openly when he demands perfection and constantly complains about things being substandard. The satisfaction he derives from berating others is noticeable, even though it makes everyone uncomfortable. He often believes that special attention should be given.
For example, Rick and his son go shopping for running shoes. Rick grabs the sole salesman by the arm and asks him to bring the shoes in his son’s size. The salesman disappears and immediately returns with three boxes of shoes. After Rick hands over the shoes, he quickly resumes helping other customers.
Rick interrupts again and asks the shoe salesman to measure his son’s feet and look at the fit of each pair. Rick asks several more questions, and the shoe salesman monopolizes them.
A crowd of people waits patiently while Rick tells the salesman a long story about wearing ill-fitting shoes as a child. The store assistant laughs and agrees that shoes are important. Rick asks the salesman to check the sizes of the other two shoes as well.
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During a break in the conversation, a customer politely asks the salesperson to bring a pair of sneakers for his daughter when he has a chance, but before the salesperson can agree, Rick steps in and says firmly, “He’s helping us now. You’ll have to wait.” He then turns to the shoe salesperson and says loudly, “What a rude person.” Rick seems to derive satisfaction from his dominance over the store’s only employee.
Although he realizes that others are waiting, he feels entitled to control the situation and to put his needs and demands above those of anyone else. Rick’s core belief is that he comes first and that the world should meet his needs.
Additionally, he has a different standard for himself than for others. For example, Rick interrupts the shop assistant when she is helping another customer, yet publicly berates another person when she tries to ask the salesperson a quick question. The belief that he is morally superior to others and therefore allowed to “correct others” may indicate a serious vein of narcissism.
Most people may occasionally lack consideration or mistakenly fail to maintain awareness of others in public. However, when these tendencies are prominent most of the time, the person may be primarily selfish. The underlying sense of entitlement that exists among others may also indicate that the person has an all-encompassing selfishness.
Although this type of person can be annoying, it may not be helpful to confront him. Lack of insight is often coupled with a strong streak of narcissism, so the person may not be able to see things from an alternative point of view. The conflict may escalate, allowing the narcissist to continue the attack. The person may be better off ignoring this type of confrontation, avoiding it, and moving on with their day.
