Start Breaking the Narcissist’s Grip
As mentioned earlier, part of the abuser’s game is for narcissists to add more bricks to Rapunzel’s tower by blaming their targets. “If I were a better wife, friend, daughter, or employee, I wouldn’t have to abuse you.” This creates a cognitive dissonance dilemma that makes the addicted target think, “Why wasn’t I a better _? What attracts the narcissist to me?” “Who does these crazy things and why?” and “Why am I doing these things to this person?”
After Asking “Why?” Stop Asking Why
It stands to reason that narcissism is most likely the result of the interaction of nature and nurture. For example, a child who is taught to be selfish and pampered (nurture) is more likely to remain that way into adulthood. Some, but not all, children raised by overly empowering caregivers go on to become narcissists.
It’s also true that many narcissists have experienced abuse and trauma (nurture). Consider a serially angry, charming narcissist who is beaten and verbally abused by one parent. He or she is then further affected by the second parent’s role-playing of other people—a double whammy. Narcissistic behaviors are likely the result of an interplay of genetics, self-protection, and learned and empowered behavior. Thus, with narcissism viewed as a firewall, abusers often see their target’s resistance behaviors as a form of abuse—even when the narcissist is the one hitting them. “Why?” is a valid and rational question, but it’s not entirely helpful. The answer is clear: Whatever the reason, pathological narcissists are incapable of expressing genuine empathy. They seek power and control and cause harm to justify their perceived self-protection or for the sheer pleasure of doing so. In many cases, they also break the law. They view the target as a source of twisted adrenaline, oxytocin, and dopamine rewards. While healthy people experience these biochemical connections within loving, engaging, and meaningful relationships.
YouAreNotAKeeperOfYourAbuser
If you are being targeted and abused (usually Levels III-V), it is unlikely that you will be able to “cure” the abuser with your devotion and love. It is not within your power—while the relationship is ongoing—to change the behavior of a violent narcissistic abuser without outside help, if any. Some narcissists (usually Levels I-III) after the loss of a relationship or even incarceration do consider seeking help to change their behavior. However, change is very rare and is not the responsibility of the abuser or their partner.
As we mentioned in a previous post titled “Growing Up with a Narcissistic Bipolar Illness, MD,” narcissism is a condition that must be accepted as a fact. In some cases, healthy, recovered people can manage a desired “relationship” from a distance with clear boundaries, for example, a relationship with a parent or ex-spouse that includes children.
All former targets need to know that even if they have been abandoned by their abuser, many narcissists continue to contact either on an ongoing or periodic basis to maintain control. This is called “vacuuming,” like vacuuming. Targets often allow the abuser to maintain contact in the misguided hope of change and restoration. In “romantic relationships,” the target may still be in love with (read: addicted to) the abuser, and thus remain single after many years. They may also be afraid that the abuser will step in and act violently against the relationship in the future. The abuser justifies continued contact as a bizarre form of revenge on the one hand and reconciliation on the other. Why? They blame the abuser and only see the target’s alleged “failures” during their relationship. Some narcissists believe that they are the abuser. According to author Joe Navarro (as noted in a previous blog), abusers collect and reflect on the “wounds” they perceive to have been inflicted by the target (Navarro, 2017). Therefore, in the case of the serial narcissistic abuser, the goal of the narcissistic personality is often to remain entangled with past victims and inflict pain on them.
Escape the Tower – Get Out Quickly and Safely
After singing “When Will My Life Begin,” Rapunzel finally found the courage to escape the tower. Like Rapunzel, individuals who have been abused will likely need the help of others to make this decision.
Targeted individuals need to get out quickly and safely. They may need to move to another location and cut off all contact with their abuser, especially in-person and electronic contact. If the law requires a recovering victim (for example, in child cases or cases involving children) to maintain contact with their abuser, they should strictly limit such contact. According to therapists, police, and prosecutors, if you are being physically abused, call 911 as soon as possible. You need to get to a safe place. You may need to file for a personal protection order. Keep a log documenting each instance of abuse, including a description of the behavior, photos of the victim’s injuries, and the date, time, and location. If necessary, these documents can be used in court. If you are being emotionally and verbally abused, ask friends and family in confidence to help you get out of the relationship before it turns violent.
Author Joe Navarro (2017) strongly recommends getting professional help, especially if you are dealing with an abuser who has the same illness, for example, an emotionally unstable narcissistic predator. In addition to getting legal help, transitioning into a mature, well-adjusted adult requires professional counseling. Qualified counselors understand abuse and can help victims accept what happened and show them how to move forward. PTSD, depression, and co-occurring addictions are often the result of abuse. If you are a former victim and are having difficulty functioning in daily life, you need to get help immediately, especially if you are contemplating suicide. Free counseling services are available at most local universities, county governments, and some private nonprofit organizations.
Remember that narcissistic abuse is a type of addiction that chemically bonds the victim to the narcissist—the trauma bond. Recovering individuals often find themselves hoping and longing for the “good times” they had with their abuser. For many people targeted—both men and women—they feel they can’t tell anyone because they might not be believed. Get help anyway, right away!
DoesItGetBetter? Yes!
We’ve spent a lot of our focus here on pathology. In our next post, it would be helpful to borrow from our colleagues in positive psychology by asking, “What does ‘health’ look like?” (Seligman, 2011). Let’s explore some ways to recover from manipulation by becoming our best selves (Arabi, 2016; Sarkis, 2018). Things will get better.
