Personality disorders such as narcissism are characterized by distortions of healthy norms for feeling, thinking, and communicating. The most prominent distortions among narcissists are a comprehensive set of double standards and paradoxes.
For example, people with narcissism demand attention but listen poorly. They appear highly confident but are insecure. They expect special treatment but rarely reciprocate—unless they get something in return.
Such double standards can cause confusion, frustration, and humiliation. To deal with narcissists, it is helpful to recognize eight key paradoxes.
Narcissists Are:
- Grandiose, but Fragile
Narcissists often present a larger-than-life persona. They pretend to be more capable, accomplished, and intelligent than others. They feel entitled to special treatment that matches their “status.”
However, narcissists can be extremely sensitive, exploding at the slightest slight. When they don’t get what they want or are not the center of attention, they may lash out or revert to a state of childish anger and irritation.
- Hostile, but resentful of questions or opposition
Many narcissists seem to enjoy denying others’ requests or needs. They often need an enemy or adversary, and they often seek legal action, revenge, or retaliation.
However, if anyone questions or opposes them, narcissists are quick to use force. They deflect attention, play the martyr, or personally attack anyone who challenges them.
- Desperate to be heard, but uninterested in listening
Since narcissists cannot provide the self-esteem they need from within, they greedily seek it without it in the form of attention. The joke, “Enough with me. What do you think of me?” 4. Feeling emotionally entitled, with no regard for others’ feelings
Narcissists expect others to regard their feelings as sacred and supreme. When a narcissist has needs, they expect others to accommodate them.
However, when others express their feelings, these feelings are often ignored or ridiculed. If someone asks them for something, narcissists often become irritable or label the other person as “selfish” or “demanding.” Narcissists appear unaware of the impact their selfishness has on others and act surprised or angry when the consequences of their behavior are pointed out.
- They are quick to blame but hate to admit their part
People with narcissistic behavior are quick to blame. If they fail, the blame always falls on someone else. (Although when they succeed, the blame falls entirely on them.)
However, narcissists seem to hate admitting their part, rarely saying “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry.”
- They are image-conscious, but not self-aware
People with narcissism seek status through external means such as power, wealth, sexual conquest, appearance, and the people they know. They seek to be with “the right people” and despise those they see as inferior.
However, narcissists are extremely shortsighted when it comes to their superficiality. Their sense of entitlement makes them expect worship, admiration, and respect, without realizing that respect must be earned and that admiration is based on character as well as achievement.
7) He’s charismatic in public, but quick to anger behind closed doors
Many narcissists are extremely charming in public. But those who live with narcissists often see the dark side behind the scenes: selfishness, manipulation, abuse, and more.
It can be frustrating when others fall for the narcissist’s charm and fail to see his or her strange nature. But if you live with a narcissist, you’re not imagining his or her unhealthy behavior. It’s just another double standard.
8) He demands absolute loyalty but is quick to betray others
Narcissists fear abandonment, humiliation, and betrayal. Because of this, they demand and test the loyalty of others over and over again.
However, narcissists will sell out almost anyone without thought or remorse if it serves their needs.
Knowing these double standards can help you deal with narcissists. Remember:
Double standards like this are unhealthy and unfair
You shouldn’t play by these rules
When confronted with narcissistic behavior, ask yourself, “At what cost?”
Dealing with narcissists almost always comes at a cost, but your power comes from choosing which costs you will and won’t bear.
