Key Points
High-achieving narcissistic children deal with narcissistic vulnerabilities through exceptional performance.
Bullying narcissistic children have an underlying “evil streak” that they wield to control others.
Manipulative narcissistic children use others to achieve their goals, often without regard for their feelings.
It’s hard to imagine that your precious child could develop in undesirable ways to the point of being considered a narcissist. However, children can detect certain tendencies and traits that indicate they are on the path to narcissistic disorder.
Technically, a narcissist cannot be diagnosed until age 18; however, specific attitudes and behaviors that signal narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may be evident earlier. However, it’s important to recognize that narcissism looks different in adults than it does in children.
How to Spot an Adult Narcissist
This list is not exhaustive, but it’s a good starting point. Narcissist:
- Needs appreciation
- Believing he or she is special
- Overestimating his or her skills and abilities
- Believing his or her opinion is exaggerated
- Needs to be “right”
- Lacks interest in things that are not self-related
- Becomes overly sensitive to real and perceived slights
- Idealizes or devalues others
- Expects special treatment
- Makes unrealistic demands
- Maintains superficial and exploitative relationships
- Fails to take responsibility for his or her behavior
- Blames others for mistakes and misunderstandings
- Lacks empathy
There are two main types of narcissists identified in adults: the vulnerable narcissist and the grandiose narcissist. The vulnerable narcissist appears to be more anxious, anxious, sensitive to criticism, and often successful. The general public rarely recognizes this type of narcissist.
The grandiose narcissist, on the other hand, is often recognized early on, and tends to behave in a showy, charismatic, controlling, and manipulative manner. This latter type can be popular and socially prominent, seen as a leader, while also being mean and exploitative in their interactions with others.
Grandiose and vulnerable narcissists do not appear in the same way, which explains why many people do not realize that both types suffer from the same negative core traits of selfishness, entitlement, and lack of empathy. They also suffer from the same negative outcome of problematic and poor interpersonal relationships.
What a Narcissistic Child Looks Like
Identifying narcissism in children, rather than adults, is complicated. Narcissistic children of the future (N2Bs, or future narcissists) come in all sizes and shapes—or so it seems.
While these children generally fall into the broad categories of vulnerable or grandiose, several subtypes can be identified within each category. The wide range of types can be difficult to define.
6 Presentations of Emerging Narcissistic Children
- High-achieving narcissists (coping with narcissistic weakness through winning). High-achieving narcissists cope with their narcissistic weakness through exceptional performance. They must be the best or practically perfect at everything. The effort they put into achieving their accomplishments is often of a manic quality.
They work harder because they must perform and be better than everyone else. The areas of exceptionality vary, but these children get A’s or are the teacher’s favorites. High-achieving narcissists are the most challenging children to diagnose because their perfect performance masks any underlying flaws or distress.
It is important to emphasize that diagnosing high-achieving narcissists is not based on their exceptional performance but on what drives the need for achievement.
- Unsuccessful narcissists (coping with narcissistic weakness and fear of failure through avoidance). Unsuccessful children with narcissistic personality disorder are those who value recognition and attention but are unable to achieve their lofty goals. Frustrated and hurt by their underachievement, they cope by avoiding it.
Some withdraw from competition and display an attitude of “not caring.” Others act in maladaptive ways, trying to attract attention through misbehavior or risk-taking. All have given up on the idea that they can succeed in a way that will earn them recognition and positive regard.
- The Narcissistic Bully (Coping with narcissistic weaknesses and values through unrestrained aggression). Narcissistic bullies have an underlying “evil streak” that they exercise in controlling others. They mistreat others socially through exclusion and physically through ridicule and teasing, which can turn into bullying in adolescence.
Some are “queen bees” and the most popular boys on campus. They often mediate inclusion and exclusion in social groups without regard for justice or honor, with only their own power. They are often charismatic and likeable, and their flaws are difficult to see. Their social skills are strong, so their misbehavior can be difficult to detect.
- The Impetuous Narcissist (Coping with Narcissistic Weakness with Unrestrained Grandiosity). Impetuous narcissists are young adults whose grandiosity has not been tempered over the years. In school years, their grandiosity can be seen in eye-catching clothing or schoolyard feats such as riding a bike at alarming speeds down a steep hill.
In older children, they may engage in risky behaviors ranging from drug or alcohol abuse to dangerous driving and promiscuous sexual relations. Their lack of good judgment is their fatal flaw.
- The Covert Narcissist (Coping with Narcissistic Vulnerability by Associating with a Narcissist). Covert narcissists don’t look like narcissists at all. Aware of their narcissistic vulnerability, they cope by allying themselves with a powerful narcissistic friend or colleague, and they bask in the reflected glory they experience from the relationship.
They are content to associate with a high-status or high-status exhibitionist or successful narcissist, and are often obedient and sycophantic, working to find a place near the throne of their high-status peers.
- The Manipulative Narcissist (Coping with Narcissistic Vulnerability by Exercising Power and Getting What They Want). The manipulative narcissist is determined to achieve his or her goals. Manipulative narcissists use others to achieve their goals, often without regard for their feelings. Their self-validation comes from exercising power and their ability to control others and the environment.
Some manipulative narcissists have gifted leadership skills that can influence groups to achieve higher, broader goals, and this type of narcissist often seeks political or high-ranking positions. As children, some may earn a spot on the student council or be elected as a team captain.
Others have an antisocial component, meaning they tend to be dishonest or live outside the rules. As children, this may mean stealing pencils from the school store or taking desirable items from a classmate’s backpack. Many manipulative narcissists come from families of wealth, status, and power.
Parents and teachers need to be aware that the development of narcissism begins earlier than one might think, and that understanding the diversity of “childhood types” is crucial. As hard as it may be to believe, a narcissist who is a high achiever and perfectionist has the same psychological makeup as a narcissist who is a famous football captain with his controlling, manipulative, and bullying behaviors. The good news is that identifying narcissistic tendencies and traits early—rather than later—provides more opportunities to get a child back on track. Early intervention not only makes correction easier, it leads to much better outcomes.
