Whether you realize it or not, it’s very likely that someone in your life is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It could be your friend, your lover, your boss, your teacher, or your relative. This means that it’s almost inevitable that you’ll find yourself at some point on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. The main reason for this is that one of the ways narcissists deal with their own low self-esteem is by putting others down.
This means that no matter how well-intentioned you are, the narcissist in your life is likely to feel offended by something you say or do and will want to punish you. If you’re reading this post, it’s very likely that you’ve already experienced some form of narcissistic abuse that has left you traumatized and hurt.
The good news, if you can call it that, is that narcissistic abuse is often very predictable. It may be possible to avoid some of this by knowing the three main things that typically trigger it—and if you can’t avoid it, at least you’ll be better equipped to understand what’s going on and protect yourself.
What is most likely to lead to narcissistic abuse?
Any comment or action from you is seen as confrontational or critical.
When your behavior doesn’t match what the narcissist wants, they may feel the need to control you and your behavior.
When the narcissist stops idealizing you and starts seeing your flaws.
Note: I will be using the terms “narcissist” and “narcissistic” in this post as a shorthand way to refer to individuals who have adapted to their childhood situation by developing the thinking and coping styles that are commonly referred to today as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No disrespect intended.
3 Main Triggers of Narcissistic Abuse
- If you confront them or criticize them.
You may not mean what you say as criticism. For example, you may simply be stating a preference that is different from the one they expressed. People with narcissistic adaptations suffer from “single-mindedness.” This is the belief that there can only be one valid and correct viewpoint in any situation. Therefore, once they state their viewpoint, if you state a different viewpoint, they are likely to feel criticized and retaliate by devaluing you.
Example: Bob and Jim Going to Dinner
Bob: You should definitely order the steak here. It’s amazing!
Jim: It looks great, but I think I’ll order the fish.
Bob: Why do you always have to be so hard on them?
- When they feel the need to assert their dominance over you.
Example: Bob and his wife Jill
Bob and Jill go to dinner with another couple, Bill and Craig. Jill, Bill, and Craig start talking about a topic that Bob doesn’t care much about or knows much about. Later that evening:
Bob: You ruined my entire evening!
Jill: What are you talking about?
Bob: That’s exactly what I mean! You can’t be that stupid! You know what I did and that I was unhappy and you did it anyway!
Jill: I still don’t know what you mean. I had a great time and I didn’t know you didn’t enjoy the evening either.
Bob: Well, you should have known. Didn’t you notice how quiet I was? I felt like I was completely out of the conversation. The next time you do that, I’ll just get up and leave you there!
- When Their Initial Ideal of You as a Perfect Person Goes Away and They Start to See Your Flaws.
At the beginning of a new relationship, when your narcissistic partner thinks you’re perfect and idealizes you, they’re likely to be very nice to you. When narcissists get to know you and start to see your natural human flaws, they belittle you. When this happens, they feel disappointed and cheated. You quickly go from being special to being low-status trash. Then they feel free to mistreat you.
Example: Bob and Jill
When Bob first met Jill, he found her very desirable. She was beautiful and from a more cultured background than he was. He pursued Jill relentlessly and truly believed he had found the perfect woman. He showered her with gifts and compliments and quickly proposed.
Jill was very impressed and happily said yes.
Unfortunately for Jill, once they were married, Bob’s attitude toward her slowly changed. Unconsciously, Bob believed that he was worthless. Therefore, anyone who truly valued him must be worth more than him. Bob began to look for faults in Jill and because she was a real human being, he found many.
Now the ratio of praise to blame changed until all Jill heard was a long list of abusive complaints about her.
Bob: Do you have to wear so much perfume?
Jill: I put it on especially for you. You bought it for my last birthday and said it was your favorite.
Bob: Well, you must have overdressed yourself. You probably need to take a shower. Since you’re up for it, please change that dress too. You look fat. I feel embarrassed to be seen with you.
Bottom line: Most narcissistic abuse is not only predictable, it’s inevitable. It may come when you least expect it, but when you stop to analyze it, you’ll likely find that it falls into one of the three categories listed above.
