The human quest for love is pretty much universal. The abundance of dating apps, self-help books, wedding guides, and relationship experts points to our deep need to be understood, seen, and appreciated. An estimated 90 percent of adults have been married at least once, with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reporting more than 2.1 million marriages in the United States in 2018.
Despite the divorce rate hovering around 782,000 annually, Americans tend not to stay single for long. Most divorced adults end up remarrying or at least living together within three and a half years of their breakup. Ultimately, no matter how badly a relationship ends, there is statistical progress and an emotional drive to fulfill the human need for love and relationship stability.
Unfortunately, the blind desire for love and acceptance can sometimes lead to one of the darkest psychological partners: the narcissist. Many consider individuals diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or suspected narcissistic/Cluster B traits to be incapable of giving or recognizing true love. This is because the ego blocks out the scope for anything outside the self. Narcissists typically prefer exploitative relationships with others who will provide them with something they need: for example, attention or devotion, financial stability, or sexual fulfillment. Relationships of any kind—romantic, professional, friendship, or familial—are often created, maintained, and destroyed for specific purposes and fulfillment. These relationships can be painfully one-sided, selfish, and destructive to non-narcissists. Unfortunately, the feelings of these individuals do not matter much to narcissists.
On the outside, narcissists often appear to have unshakable confidence and self-esteem. They may have perfect relationships, beautiful homes, adorable children, and a white picket fence. But self-esteem is not the same thing that narcissists ridicule. In fact, the two are unrelated; the narcissist has extremely low self-esteem but covers it up with vanity and lies.
The narcissist’s vanity is like a luxury car about to turn bright red, and it can’t be fully fueled. The fuel is provided by those in their lives: children, partners, family members, coworkers, clients, etc. Narcissists are naturally boastful, displaying their real or perceived talents in an annoying way to make others jealous. The drive to constantly strive for status is what keeps the narcissist moving throughout life: establishing and maintaining social acceptance and appearing better than those around them is of utmost importance.
Because they lack emotional attachment to others, narcissists have a poor track record in relationships. Because of the lack of emotional attachment to others, the on-and-off relationship will continue until a new (or younger, better, or more promising) opportunity comes along. If a narcissist-controlled relationship succeeds in celebrating anniversaries or weddings, the outward image is in no way a true representation of what goes on behind closed doors.
Those with strong narcissistic or histrionic traits tend to have very low levels of relationship satisfaction and a high risk of infidelity; In contrast, they are very quick to become sexually bored and seek excitement outside of their partner. If a partner discovers the transgressions and threatens to leave or end the relationship, the narcissist will resort to two methods to hold on to the partner: benefit-providing behaviors or cost-inflicting behaviors. Both types of behaviors are methods of control. The purpose is to reduce the likelihood that the narcissist will leave before he or she is ready to let go. Narcissists cannot be left; they can only walk away. If the narcissist resorts to benefit-providing behaviors, the abuse is covered up with the sweetest excuses. The wronged party will be showered with gifts, surprises, flowers, and jewelry. Social media will be filled with posts highlighting devotion and (literally) perfect relationships that have been Photoshopped: since wrinkles can be erased, so can any sign of discord.
If a couple has a fight about dividing household responsibilities, for example, and the non-narcissist announces his or her intention to move out, the narcissist may make a full-on show of cleaning and cleaning the house from top to bottom. Not only does this present the other partner as controlling, the narcissist appears remorseful and loving, and the lies can continue. Rest assured, the narcissist will keep this episode tucked away for future reminders and attacks on their partner!
The second method of retention, cost-imposing behaviors, is darker, more intimidating, and just as abusive as the gift-giving method. Cost-imposing narcissists rely on bullying and threats to keep their partner in line. Violence can be actual or implied against the partner or other people. Narcissists also enjoy making their partners jealous and will use their uninhibited sexuality to this end. Overt flirting or making suggestions about a romantic relationship with someone else is a cruel manipulation designed to devalue and emotionally hurt their partner. By bragging about how desirable they are, the narcissist is trying to make the excluded partner jealous but also hinting that they are easily replaceable and not special at all.
Empathetic and honest individuals are easy targets for narcissists. Narcissists thrive on power and the ability to control others and can be exceptionally cunning in their success. All of us who are searching for love must remember that power and control should not be voluntarily surrendered to another person. Only by respecting ourselves and setting boundaries that protect our hearts and minds can we maintain our individual power and weed out the good people in the world from the narcissists. The right person will not want to take our power but will share it to create a new life.
If you need help and need to talk to someone about getting out of a narcissistic or abusive relationship, don’t hesitate to call 911 or your local emergency number. You can also click “Get Help” at the top of this page or do a quick online search for domestic violence shelters in your area. There is sunshine after that.
