Self-promotion, flattery, and other manipulative strategies are just a few of the ways narcissists can trick unsuspecting people into believing they are real. If you’ve ever been fooled by the arrogant ways of a smooth-talker, a job candidate, or a boss, you know how easy it is to fall under their spell.
This is typical of your first encounter with people with these strong self-aggrandizing tendencies. They greet you enthusiastically, flash you an engaging smile, and seem genuinely interested in you. They may compliment you on your appearance (“I love your shirt”) or, if they’re job hunting, on your company (“I’ve always wanted to work here!”).
No matter how high the stakes, they never seem intimidating or intimidating. With their shoulders straight and their heads held high, narcissists are the picture of high competence, efficiency, and self-confidence. Once you start talking, you’ll be blown away by the spell they cast on you. Your mind starts looking for the perfect ways you two will get along because this person is the most qualified for the position (if it’s a job interview) or the most suitable to be your romantic partner for life (if it’s a first date). You’re willing to throw away all your other possibilities because you know this person is the perfect match.
How do people who are usually thoughtful, if not skeptical, get swayed so easily by a single encounter? The answer is that narcissists explore every angle to make themselves appear as attractive and desirable as possible. Although narcissists are generally not empathetic, they have a sixth sense of what they need to do to impress an audience, even if it’s an audience of just one person. And because they’ve learned how to manipulate and exploit others, they’ve learned to twist the truth to match what their listeners want to hear.
Research on the performance of people high in narcissism in job interviews has shown how easily they can be fooled by this tendency of narcissists to exaggerate their qualities. The findings are due to be published soon in the Journal of Applied Social Psychology by psychologist Peter Harms of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and colleagues Delroy L. Paulhus, Bryce J. Westlake, and Stryker S. Calves of the University of British Columbia.
In the first part of their study, Harms and his colleagues recorded “job interviews” of 72 participants who varied in their levels of narcissism. As Harms expected, people high in narcissism were more likely to display signs of self-promotion during the interview. But when challenged by their interviewers, the narcissists behaved in ways the researchers hadn’t anticipated. In contrast to their less narcissistic counterparts, the high-narcissists were more likely to increase their self-promotional tendencies.
Put yourself in the shoes of the interviewer, right now. You decide to tease the person you’re interviewing, expecting the intense pressure to wear down if not demotivate the victim. Instead, the interviewer succumbs to temptation and becomes more pompous than ever. Your doubts are allayed, at least temporarily, because you’re now more likely than ever to believe that what you see is what you’ll get when this amazing person starts working for you.
The second part of Harms’ study involved the evaluators actually judging the apparent competence of the “interviewees.” When they watched videotapes of their interviews, participants gave higher ratings to the more narcissistic and self-promoting people. The key factor in the narcissists’ “success” was the sheer volume of talk they produced. People tend to think that those who talk more are also more competent. The louder wheel gets higher competence ratings. It wasn’t just that they talked more; the narcissists were singing their praises publicly. Their wheels were loud and self-congratulatory.
We know that in real life, narcissists can be manipulative, get angry when challenged, and are more likely to shirk job duties—which correlates with interview outcomes. So while interviewers may think they’ve hired the best person for the job, they may have hired the worst possible candidate. Narcissists talk, but they don’t do.
While we should be careful about generalizing from a simulation study, especially one involving college students, the results certainly align with the experience many of us have when we’re overwhelmed by a narcissist’s ability to function on our first date.
It could be someone like your best friend’s new best friend who’s wowed everyone in the room with her success stories in everything from her athletic prowess to her climb up the career ladder. Or a potential date who’s confidently bragging about the many friends she has in high places. Because you’re so charismatic, you can’t help but feel drawn to these people on your first date. By the time you realize that they either don’t have the qualities they pretend to have or simply don’t feel like putting in the effort, it’s too late.
People who talk their way into a position they don’t deserve can also cause significant emotional pain to others. When things start to fall apart, they blame everyone else, including you. It’s not that they didn’t have the wherewithal to do the work or stay in the relationship, but that you were a bad supervisor or dating partner. They don’t take responsibility for the outcome, and they make you feel like it was your fault. If you’re not careful, you’ll start to doubt and question yourself and create unnecessary and undeserved misery for yourself.
Fortunately, there are relatively simple ways to prevent these devastating outcomes. Here are four ways you can fend off a narcissist’s entrapment tactics:
Learn how to spot a narcissist. Psychology Today author Scott Barry Kaufman provides a detailed breakdown of how to avoid falling for a narcissist. It’s important to make sure you observe the individual in a variety of situations before you dive into a relationship. As the Harms study showed, narcissists also tend to talk more and in higher self-praise. If you hear a lot of self-congratulatory talk, the person you’re evaluating may be this manipulative type of narcissist.
Watch the narcissist under pressure. As the Harms study showed, narcissists excel when more humble people give in. Don’t be afraid to ask tough questions. It may feel uncomfortable to heighten the tension, but it’s important to see how the person you’re interviewing (or your potential date or a friend of a family member) reacts. Non-narcissists will respond in the same way to your tough questions. They’re likely to stumble or seem like they’d rather be anywhere than in the room with you right now. However, if they have the qualities you’re looking for (and not the narcissist’s), they’ll regroup and come back with an appropriate, but not outlandish, answer to your questions.
Gather alternative sources of data. You shouldn’t rely solely on your impressions when interviewing someone you’re looking to hire, work with, or date. Find out from as many sources as possible about the person’s actual qualifications. Remember that if narcissists distort the truth when they are face-to-face with you, they will be even more likely to do so when they are composing something on paper or online. You need to check with others who know this person, who have written recommendations, or who also work with this individual. Since you may also be intrigued by the person’s apparent qualifications based on your personal meeting, you also need to look for anecdotal evidence. Avoid the tendency to confirm your positive impressions and take any warning signs seriously.
Follow your instincts. If people seem too good to be true, they probably are. If something doesn’t quite feel right, you need to listen to that voice inside you that tells you to take it slow. As people age, they usually get better at spotting fakers, but even professionals may have to suspend judgment. If you are even a little cautious, it means you need to go back to point #3 above and gather more information.
Whatever you do, don’t rush into a decision even if you feel pressured to do so. Don’t hire the person, don’t eliminate other romantic possibilities, and don’t invite the person into your family or friends. Time and second thoughts are your best friends when dealing with narcissists. Also, make sure you carefully screen the quieter, more humble people on your list. What you should be judging is competence, not someone’s ability to make a good first impression.
On the positive side, however, you can also learn some self-presentation tactics from the research conducted by Harms and his colleagues. Knowing that you’re competing against these self-promoters, you need to come out from your own perhaps overly modest shell and make sure that others know about your abilities. Being too reticent or self-critical may cost you the opportunities you seek. While still remaining true to your personality and sense of self, there’s nothing wrong with leveling the playing field. You don’t have to join the narcissists, but you can definitely beat them at their game.
